Hello, Abigail. I enjoyed your story overall. First, some positive feedback. I feel that you have a very good imagination, and I can sense in your efforts that you are quite talented. I can "feel" what you are imagining, if that makes sense. The relationships between teens, especially girls, are complicated and complex. You have represented that well. The addition of slang and teen language are nice. For the most part, your grammar usage is fine, with a few mistakes here and there, but those are easily corrected.
I'm a little confused about exactly what happened with the ending. I understand your use of ambiguous hints, rather than bluntly listing what happened, and I apologize if I'm just not getting it, but I really don't. Did Delphine kill Regina? Did Regina absorb Delphine's personality and become her? Is this a zombie thing? If it is, that's why I don't really get it. I don't completely understand the whole zombie thing. If you could possibly give some additional hint as to what happened, such as, "Daphne screamed as Regina raised the knife..." blah, blah, blah. Does that make sense? Your ending also feels a little rushed, but I do like the way that you wrap the ending back into a new beginning. That is a chilling way to end a suspense story, in my opinion. Bravo on that bit.
I would recommend that you "show, not tell". For example, you describe the town as being "exotic" but as the reader, I don't know WHY it is exotic. Is it located in India? Are there elephants carrying logs down the street? Are street vendors selling deep fried crickets? If you show the reader instead of telling, it adds depth to your story and helps the reader to understand the characters and events in a more imaginative light. For example, instead of saying, "this cookie is good," I could say, "The scent of the chocolate reached my nose before my teeth sunk into the chewy treat." That sort of thing. You completed this well when you described the teacher's high pitched voice. Lovely stuff there.
I really like that you change up the sentence structure instead of always using the "Subject, verb, object" structure all the time. I see a few places where you use the same word or sentence structure repeatedly, but I think for the most part you are doing well with the sentences. I would suggest that you do a word count and see where the repetitive words are, and I would replace some of them with similar words. I mention this because I have received advice of a similar sort in my writing. I often have the habit of beginning the sentences or sentences with the same word, as I have deliberately done in this paragraph. Do you see?
I see a few places where you can probably trim unnecessary words to tighten up the word count. I have to do this over and over again in my writing. This comes with practice. Overall, you have done well, I think.
My last suggestion is to double check your verb tense. For example, " Delphine went into the classroom, tried to search for Regina Smith, who would usually sit on her table chatting with others. But she can’t find her!" Can't should be "couldn't".
I look forward to reading more of your work! You have a great talent and flair for writing! Keep polishing your gems, and you will end up with a portfolio of beautiful jewels! Fantastic work, my dear! |
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