A beautiful and heartfelt song here. It's so hard to lose someone so close to our heart and nothing in this world harder than losing a child. I can feel the rhythm and flow easily.
If you don't mind, can I make just a couple small suggestions? In the 'B' it says "...don't cry I will wait for you" and then "In heaven I will be God's angel too." She's saying she's waiting from heaven. Seems a bit contradicting. I was thinking something like,..
"Mommy, don't cry I will *watch over you.* In heaven I will be God's angel too."
Also, in the second Verse..speaking as the little girl who's dying and yet she's talking about Mommy going to heaven. her regret is Mommy can't go. Instead, changing one small word, would change the meaning.
A couple of examples from "Mommy, you can't go to heaven yet." to
"Mommy, you can't *come* to heaven yet" or "Mommy, you can't come with me yet"
I REALLY hope you don't mind I made these suggestions. Everything else with it is perfect!! The rhythm, flow, grammar, sentence structure, punctuation, etc. I love it and would love to hear it sometime!!
It's been awhile since I've done a full out thorough proofread/edit. But I'll do my best.
Okay...first, watch the long running sentences. It's good to give good descriptive sentences. But sometimes, less, more concise sentence structures are better. Remember, "less is more". Your first and second sentence/paragraph are all one sentence. Try breaking it down. Don't be afraid to 'play with words'.
Also, there are places where one is speaking and it is said who is doing the speaking and other places where it's not. If two different people are speaking, try not to include both in the same paragraph. Seperate them. Otherwise, it tends to confuse the reader.
Your writing is well thought out, and descriptive and grammar and punctuation is right on!
Hi Cynaemon...this short piece was very well written. The sentence structure was right on and descriptive just enough I was able to somewhat picture the character in the setting. And it left me curious at the end. I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation. Nice job!
Hi Bob County: Well, I have to say for this being my first Review returning from a long journey, your piece was very original, unique and creative! All I can say is, keep an eye on your Punctuation and you're good. And I'd give you some GPs, but because I've JUST returned, I haven't had a chance to acquire any. Soon though!
Temagami (Guiding Light)
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/temagami29
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 4:48pm on Dec 26, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "