I really enjoyed this piece! I thought it was well done, well crafted -- at least in the beginning. It seems like you could have just ended it after Malsidious released the Liches on Salt Lake City and it would have been a good piece. Your description in that first part is wonderful, and it falters slightly in the second half. This is obviously not done, but I'm looking forward to reading more!
Couple of nitpicky things:
As the being that once was human recited the ancient spells, a pentegram began to glow in a reddish hue around him.
Pentagram is misspelled.
Malsidous, bringing the incantation to it’s pinnacle point, crescendoed into a roar, raising is open palms to the violent sky.Lightning now danced around the Servant of the Void, but never touched him. The ground rumbled, and the black arts took effect.
A couple things that need fixing in that paragraph. I understand that his voice crescendoed into a roar, but that's not really clear in the writing. I think you should maybe rewrite it as
Malsidous, bringing the incantation to it’s pinnacle, raised his voice further until it crescendoed into a roar,
Also, raising is open palms -- you just forgot the h on 'his'.
And finally, to the violent sky.Lightning now danced around the Servant
All that really needs fixing there is just space between sentences. I saw that in a couple places. Overall I'd just recommend reading it through one more time and fixing any obvious errors.
Very interested to see how this turns out! Please keep writing, and keep me posted
This was an interesting story. The idea is fantastic, but the dialogue is a little bit unoriginal and undescriptive. Also, I would have thought that Andy would catch on right away that his sneakers were giving him the super speed. Waiting to introduce that point drags the story down a little. The part where Ruby and Carmen turn on George at the end was a little unexpected -- you don't lead the reader to believe that that could happen before. It just comes out of nowhere. But, like I said, this is a great idea for a story. I think you could do a lot with it. Keep up the good work!
I'm not sure what split structure is, but if that describes this piece, I'm not sure I like it. You jump too quickly to seemingly unrelated subjects. In places you are too tense, too formal, you use large words where smaller ones would do just as well. Other than that, the paragraphs are well written. They just don't cohere well, and I lost interest after a while.
~Tenea
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