I have no words,that could aptly describe my feeling here,and with said, you captured in vivid imagery,the evocative position of everyone and everything involved...
This is a nice piece,however,with some "modifications" it could "flow" better,without risking it resembling a "run-on-sentence"..You are using capitalization sporadically ..as well as punctuation..
Try this:
"I am me!"
"I am SOMEBODY!"
"I really love myself!"
"I was born to be happy."
"I have (instead of "got")a smile on my face when I wake up in the morning!"
[et cetera]
I would encourage you to finish this piece, and maybe present it as a poetic verse .
This evokes a deep reverie for me as well,about those faded photographs.I have some (copied) from my dad's collection...One of my baby pictures,of my brothers and I ,on a red satin pillow...in a row...my brothers ,dressed in green and yellow...and I in pink..
That was 53 years ago!...We three (triplets!) are all middle aged,and grey-haired..
A lot of imagery here..were you writing this as a personal experience piece? It came across as that of someone who experienced in some way ,these things..I can relate to this.
This is relate-able...on EVERY point you have made. It helped me see the perspective of my own inner child when I grew up with these conflicts. Absolutely wonderful,and great advice!
I am a mother,myself...and my own mother is aging quickly,so I can relate to the expectation of wanting her there ,and her presence(physically) isn't. Hang onto what you can...of her memory...even if it's writing about her ,to keep her memory alive.
I am not a script critic....but I do feel that subtle changes could be made..I am a little lost in the narrative,but,I would say ,keep working with it ...!!!
Very heartfelt content.It is amazing just how our best friends bring out the best in us,even when we feel our worst...I know..I have a best friend like your song says...Best wish on your lyrical,poetical,and wonderful journey.
Nice bit of poetry here,however ,I might advise the following adjustment...albeit a minor one ...separating it into small stanzas ,may help it flow better...Best wishes on your literary journey!
George,you wrote it ,dare I say.."perfectly".The concept you bring is finally realized ,if only to yet"another drop in the ocean"...which "collectively,and in unison,make up the ocean!Thanks for sharing this...
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