Thanks for letting me read and review your work!
Of course you are not obligated to apply my suggestions, nor will I be upset if you don't agree.
First Impressions(deductions:0 stars):
You have a good short story here, but it needs a little help and a little more focus. Or as my head keeps thinking...a little less jumbly
General Grammar(deductions: 1 star):
I'm not the grammar police, but
I would suggest being cautious of consecutive word repetition.
I was a painter once, although I can’t
quite remember when it started. I know
quite vividly when it stopped, for the scars still have yet to heal.
The word quite is repeated to close to the quite before it. You do this in other areas as well.
Rambly run-on sentences:
So the girl dies, and it’s a shame, but the real tragedy is that I can great incredible masterpieces that would stand the test of time, if only I were still allowed on the open road.
Please Consider:So the girl dies,and it's a shame. The real tragedy is that I can make incredible masterpieces that would stand the test of time if I were still allowed on the open road.
It looks just like a stop sign should, and if the one that I ran were as bright and vivid as the ones in my paintings, then maybe that mother would still have all of her kids in working order.
Please Consider: It looks like a stop sign should. If the one I ran was as bright and vivid as the ones in my paintings, then maybe that mother would have all of her kids in working order.
Your ending line:
This is what you leave your readers with and it says more than it needs to..
After all, what’s one human life, more or less, when I have the ability to build a world?
Please Consider: After all, what is one human life when I have the ability to build a world?
Structure(deductions:.5):
More space is needed in between each paragraph. Also, please consider that every paragraph represents a new thought. You have a narrator who does a lot of digressing.
Flow, Pacing, Meter, and/or Sentence variation(deductions: 0 star):
Please refer to rambly run-on sentence comment in grammar section.
You may want to give this a read-through in a few months. Your narrator does a lot of rambling, and telling instead of showing. Think to yourself when you read through:
Does this progress my plot?
Does this give added detail or dimmension to my character?
Does this show what is happening?
If it doesn't do one of those things consider tossing the thought/sentence.
Theme, Conflict/Dialogue,(deductions: 0 stars) :
I liked the narrator. The narrator seemed to understand what he did was wrong, but at the same time he cared more for his art. How obnoxious, and great for a short story. The theme and conflict are great! The narrator is a great character!
I wish you'd added some interaction in the story. Just to get it out of the narrators head and show how people react to the artist.
Maybe some dialogue to:
Like an apology scene, where the mother doesn't believe the narrator is sincere. This is a great character just give him a little more.
Other Notes & Overall Thoughts:
I think you just need to edit and re-write. Put the story away for a little while and come back to it. You seem like you've got some great ideas. Good job! Keep Writing!
Thanks,
The_Cavity
P.S.: If you decide to edit your item, and want me to re-review or re-rate. I'd be delighted to do that. Just send me an e-mail with your item's bitem.