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96 Public Reviews Given
96 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Spilled  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like the imagery here. I think lines 2 and 3 are more impactful without their entry. They just read better, "My flesh hangs" "My soul drips" Additionally, the same for "The wind whips my flesh."

I thought the poem had beautiful imagery. I think you can take it further. I get, from the description what you're trying to capture, but without the summary I wouldn't really know. This is how I know there's more.

I feel a lot of feelings in "I hold myself up with sticks," I wish there were more lines like this to ground me into what is being described.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
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Review of It's Too Late  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This story seemed to be up my alley. I'm also naturally a big lover of science stories and things which can be found in space; black holes and the link. The story had a strong beginning, middle, and end and seemed to have an interesting way of keeping me drawn in until the end.

I think the story needs another read through and edit for a bit of mechanical work. Some sentences may have been more impactful if a bit shorter. Especially, in the longer paragraphs which communicate a great deal of information. There are places where a comma is used which would be better served by periods.

I loved the name Osborne for a Detective. I thought there were many missed opportunities to build his character. I envisioned him as a strait-laced career detective on the name alone. I felt he would have initially come into the room with a bit of bias and spoken to Kevin either playing good cop or bad cop or may have been distracted by another case on entry and thought this to be a waste of time. I got a lot of character from Kevin, but at the beginning his actions don't match his motivations. For example, in the beginning Osborne may have expected Kevin to be antsy like so many of his other suspects, but a bit put off by the fact that Kevin is so calm. This may have made Osborne feel like Kevin thought he was a bit above the law at the beginning.

I also loved the detail of Kevin correcting Osborne every time he called him professor. It was a nice thread throughout the story. I kept thinking it would have been funny if Kevin sarcastically referred to Osborne as Mr. Detective or Dave in reply.

Anyway, thanks for indulging me on this long review. I clearly enjoyed the read :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
3
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Review of Dimitriou  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
This is an interesting story and premise. Essentially a mean-spirited financier becomes the victim of vampires. What's not to love?

I think there's still a bit more work which needs to be done. The story glazes over real motivations and pivotal moments. How did his parents spoil him? How did he come to be so dark?

I also think the story should focus on "showing" by slowing down the scenes, rather than telling. Focus on having the scene describe the feeling you're trying to convey rather than say the feeling outright.

Lastly, a bit of organization is needed throughout the story. I think the placement of some facts come as a bit of a surprise and with motivation that seems to be found in later sentences.
4
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Rated: E | (4.0)
An older fellow was Sam Awn;
his face was pale and kinda drawn.
Yet Jack, like Muhammad Ali,
was in his prime at twenty three.

This is my favorite part. I laughed when I read it. I liked the comparison. It really made me see both.
5
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I love this. It’s so cute and made me smile!
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I've been doing this unofficially for about a week. The prompts are awesome. I love the folks in the challenge! This is a great idea!
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Review of Hodgepodgery  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thanks for letting me read and review your work!
Of course you are not obligated to apply my suggestions, nor will I be upset if you don't agree.


First Impressions:
This could be amazing, but right now I'm just feeling MEH about it.

Structure:
Your poem flows to well. Consider breaking it up and adding more stanzas

Flow, Pacing, Meter, and/or Sentence variation(deductions: 1 star):
The main problem in this poem is sentence variation. Here is where my "meh" comes in. This would be cool if it were a few emotions but it goes on with the same structure long enough for the reader to wander away and check the text messages on her iphone.

Longing for a love not returned,
Embarrassed for holding on,
Aching for the touch of a man, my man,
Jealous of those in whom I should take shelter,
Angry for not possessing their charm to use,
Resentful for allowing others to abuse,
Bitter from betrayals by those who did harm,
Exhausted from battling unrevealed fears,
Grieving over the loss of wasted years,
Thirsting for freedom, pressured by the urge to run,
Confused by the constant chatter in my mind,
Desperate for a new stimulus or change to find,
Yearning for peace, for discontentment to cease

Your rhyme sceme in this part is also too simple and not well-metered. I think you also need to consider if you want a rhyming poem or not.
I colored most of the rhymes.
use abuse
fears years
peace cease

These are all too simple and seem to occur at the same time. Play with this, set up a meter. The rhymes you have are okay, but play with this and add to it. Don't just repeat rhyming words but repeat sounds as well. For example:

Cake appreciate.
use refuge
tears seeringly
peace people



Theme, Conflict/Dialogue,(deductions: .5) :
Your theme was very clear, but it lost impact in the repetition of emotions I mentioned earlier.

Other Notes & Overall Thoughts:
you've got a lot to work with here. Just take some time, sit back, and then read through your poem again.

Thanks,

The_Cavity

P.S.: If you decide to edit your item, and want me to re-review or re-rate. I'd be delighted to do that. Just send me an e-mail with your item's bitem.


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Review of The creator  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thanks for letting me read and review your work!
Of course you are not obligated to apply my suggestions, nor will I be upset if you don't agree.


First Impressions(deductions:0 stars):
You have a good short story here, but it needs a little help and a little more focus. Or as my head keeps thinking...a little less jumbly

General Grammar(deductions: 1 star):
I'm not the grammar police, but

I would suggest being cautious of consecutive word repetition.
I was a painter once, although I can’t quite remember when it started. I know quite vividly when it stopped, for the scars still have yet to heal.

The word quite is repeated to close to the quite before it. You do this in other areas as well.

Rambly run-on sentences:

So the girl dies, and it’s a shame, but the real tragedy is that I can great incredible masterpieces that would stand the test of time, if only I were still allowed on the open road.

Please Consider:So the girl dies,and it's a shame. The real tragedy is that I can make incredible masterpieces that would stand the test of time if I were still allowed on the open road.

It looks just like a stop sign should, and if the one that I ran were as bright and vivid as the ones in my paintings, then maybe that mother would still have all of her kids in working order.

Please Consider: It looks like a stop sign should. If the one I ran was as bright and vivid as the ones in my paintings, then maybe that mother would have all of her kids in working order.

Your ending line:
This is what you leave your readers with and it says more than it needs to..
After all, what’s one human life, more or less, when I have the ability to build a world?

Please Consider: After all, what is one human life when I have the ability to build a world?

Structure(deductions:.5):

More space is needed in between each paragraph. Also, please consider that every paragraph represents a new thought. You have a narrator who does a lot of digressing.

Flow, Pacing, Meter, and/or Sentence variation(deductions: 0 star):

Please refer to rambly run-on sentence comment in grammar section.

You may want to give this a read-through in a few months. Your narrator does a lot of rambling, and telling instead of showing. Think to yourself when you read through:

Does this progress my plot?
Does this give added detail or dimmension to my character?
Does this show what is happening?

If it doesn't do one of those things consider tossing the thought/sentence.

Theme, Conflict/Dialogue,(deductions: 0 stars) :
I liked the narrator. The narrator seemed to understand what he did was wrong, but at the same time he cared more for his art. How obnoxious, and great for a short story. The theme and conflict are great! The narrator is a great character!

I wish you'd added some interaction in the story. Just to get it out of the narrators head and show how people react to the artist.

Maybe some dialogue to:
Like an apology scene, where the mother doesn't believe the narrator is sincere. This is a great character just give him a little more.

Other Notes & Overall Thoughts:
I think you just need to edit and re-write. Put the story away for a little while and come back to it. You seem like you've got some great ideas. Good job! Keep Writing!


Thanks,

The_Cavity

P.S.: If you decide to edit your item, and want me to re-review or re-rate. I'd be delighted to do that. Just send me an e-mail with your item's bitem.


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9
9
Review of Marriage  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thanks for letting me read and review your work!
Of course you are not obligated to apply my suggestions, nor will I be upset if you don't agree.


First Impressions(deductions: .5 stars):
It's a good poem, but it isn't a great poem. It's a good poem in that it meets most of the requirements I think a good poem should have, but I just don't think that it is a memorable poem.

Flow, Pacing, Meter, and/or Sentence variation:
This poem flows very well, and I think that it has an excellent meter.

Theme, Conflict/Dialogue,(deductions: .5stars) :
Here's what takes this poem away from being great. Characterization. What makes this couple more than a family with 2 kids and a some hang-ups? What about the time when little Bartie careened into the trash can on his sled and got three stitiches. Or what about the times when her mother died, and they stayed strong?


Thanks,

The_Cavity

P.S.: If you decide to edit your item, and want me to re-review or re-rate. I'd be delighted to do that. Just send me an e-mail with your item's bitem.


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10
10
Review of Porcelain Hands  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is a magnificent poem! I have to say that I really don't find anything that is wrong with it. Here's what worked for you:

Imagery:

The image of a fragile porcelain hand, and the narrator admitting being afraid to touch it. But the image doesn't stay stuck to the confines of a porcelain hand. In fact, it makes a beautiful contrast. The hand being warm.

I, also, like the way the narrator brings it from metaphor to real-time and says, "our eyes meet. "

Great Job!
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Review of Come To Me  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Thanks for letting me read and review your work! Of course, you are not obligated to apply my suggestions, nor will I be upset if you don't agree.

First Impressions:
Good poem, albeit at sometimes strangely worded

General Grammar:
"But still, my love would remain
Until such time, you love me then"

(This line doesn't make sense) You refer to the future yet the word love seems to be in the present.

Until such time, you will love me,
Until such time, love me

Too many blood may bleed.
I think you mean:

too much blood may bleed.
or too much blood may have been shed.

"Even how long I may spare my day."
Not sure what you mean here. How many days may I spare? How many hours do I have left to spare? This line should be re-thought.

Structure:
I think you should also consider a change in structure. If it were my poem. I think it may flow better structured like this


Verse 1
Verse 3
Verse 2
Verse 4

Flow, Meter, and/or Sentence variation:
You may want to consider if you need the repetition of the lines that begin with "too".

Theme:
Loved the theme.

Pacing:
Well paced, but as I said earlier you may want to consider a re-structuring.

Other Notes & Overall Thoughts:
Read Through this poem again, and check it for overall clarity. There were some places I was confused. Good Job and keep writing!

Thanks,

The_Cavity
P.S.: If you would ever like your poem re-reviewed or re-rated (after you've edited) please feel free to send me an e-mail, and I'll take another look. just state in the e-mail that you'd like me to re-review/re-rate your item.

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12
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In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thanks for letting me read and review your work! Of course, you are not obligated to apply my suggestions, nor will I be upset if you don't agree.

First Impressions:

At first read, I wasn't a fan of this poem. On second third and fourth read I realized that I was. It sounds like a soldiers march, and makes it really super awesome.

General Grammar:
Everything seems to check out

Structure:OK

Flow, Meter, and/or Sentence variation:
OK. The first read, I thought the rhyming was too simplistic. The second and third read I thought that it was good and worked.

Theme: OK. Theme is clear

Conflict and/or Dialogue:

There are a few questions that keep me from saying, "Amazing"

"I didn't learn from the past"
What happened in the past? There's something there, but it's only touched upon. Further explained it might help increase feelings of sympathy from the reader.

"Marching along with Death Row"
Why is the main character with Death Row? I thought this was about basic. It doesn't really fit, and maybe a little more explanation is needed here to.

Overall, a little more explaining would make this.

Pacing:Good

Other Notes & Overall Thoughts:Good poem, with a little explanation it might be unforgettable!


Thanks,

The_Cavity
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13
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Review of Enough 'Love'  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Here's the deal....

The grammar of this poem is killin me.

Everywhere there is a u and a r, needs to be replaced with you and are.
wud needs to be would.

You also need to add question marks.

The theme of this poem is good, but just be cautious that you are showing and not telling. I really like the question "isn't this enough?" Anyways, keep writing.


(I'll come back and attempt to re-rate if you fix the grammar. Send me an e-mail.)
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Welcome to WDC! What is happening?

About your poem:

I'm a little torn between liking the way the narrator speaks and hating it.
Here is why I hate it... We are in the year 2012. No one speaks like that anymore. When the old famous poets were in there day. They were speaking in what was considered a modern voice, and at times a futuristic voice. So, what is the point of being in the modern age and using a classical voice?

Here is why I like it...in the second stanza you speak about drama and plays. Which instantly reminds me of old dramas and tragedies. The use of the olden voice really drives home the history and the idea of the image of drama and plays. Most specifically, it reminds me of Hamlet.

I do not like the last two lines of the poem. My problem is that they seemed to be tacked on. Throughout the poem the narrator seems as if they do not like what is going on with their mind. Specifically, questioning it and caling it "bittersweet" and a "monstrosity" even "pesky." So how is the narrator at the end changing the tune and deciding that it is, "perfection."

I think the writer's got a little more 'splainin to do. Seriously, if there was a little more explanation about balance and complexity; about how something complex could be perfection then the point would really drive home.

Overall, you've got a good poem here. And to make it even better you have a few questions to ask yourself.
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Review of The Eagle  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
You were right i did enjoy this. Have you ever read Ishmael by Daniel Quinn? well if you haven't it's about this Ape named Ishmael who grows up in captivity and learns to communicate telepathically with a human. He begins to teach the human things on human nature and identifies to types of cultures: the takers and leavers.

This piece it's kind of like Ishmael but makes the fundamental mistake of telling instead of showing. It reads like a parable but i think it would be better as a short sorry where a reader is forced to come to their own conclusions.

I've written a short story with some of the same things on human nature called where does the wood go. It's on my profile if you want to check it out.(but you'll have to excuse the fact that it's in desperate need of editing and i haven't had a chance to post the edited version.) I'll probably post the update later. Work....sigh....work

Either way i Like your take on human nature and look forward to reading more of your writings.


Please excuse the errors in this review because I'm writing it from a cell phone at work..
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Review of Human Nature  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)

What I liked:

"The wild does not lie to you, it operates only in pure unadulterated truth; the purest truth that can be found in the world, as the wild will has no exterior interests while conversing with you, it will only tell you of life and death, rain and sun, sun and moon. For that I am grateful, for there is no such thing as truth outside of nature, as civilization is built on well constructed lies."

This pretty much sums up what you've written, and it sums it up very well. Put into a short story, novel, or poem as a theme it would really resonate with a lot of people.

What I didn't like:
This is wordy. It's almost like a professor teaching to the chalkboard instead of the entire confused class behind him. I hate to say dumb it down, but really...dumb it down...way down.

Something like this has already been done. The writer's name was Thoreau, and while he was living no one would buy his books. (Conversley, when he died everyone bought his books. Life is harsh that way).

You clear your voice in the first paragraph, and while you're doing it insult a lot of people.

"They eke out their existence by exploiting those around them; by running a business “ethically”, by prosecuting the “guilty”, by curing the “disorders” of the brain, and by indoctrinating the impressionable" --> This would be a generalization and an insult. In fact Thoreau does this same thing in Civil Disobedience, except he uses a little more tact and doesn't insult everyone in the room while he's doing it.

"The mass of men serve the state thus, not as men mainly, but as machines, with their bodies. They are the standing army, and the militia, jailers, constables, posse comitatus,(7) etc. In most cases there is no free exercise whatever of the judgment or of the moral sense; but they put themselves on a level with wood and earth and stones; and wooden men can perhaps be manufactured that will serve the purpose as well. Such command no more respect than men of straw or a lump of dirt. They have the same sort of worth only as horses and dogs. Yet such as these even are commonly esteemed good citizens. Others, as most legislators, politicians, lawyers, ministers, and office-holders, serve the state chiefly with their heads; and, as they rarely make any moral distinctions, they are as likely to serve the devil, without intending it, as God. A very few, as heroes, patriots, martyrs, reformers in the great sense, and men, serve the state with their consciences also, and so necessarily resist it for the most part; and they are commonly treated as enemies by it. A wise man will only be useful as a man, and will not submit to be "clay," and "stop a hole to keep the wind away," but leave that office to his dust at least: "
-Thoreau, Civil Disobedience

Overall feeling, I agreed with what you had to say. It was a pretty interesting take on human nature, and had a lot of great imagery.

Good job! Keep Writing
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Review of Dear Michael  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Excellent.

Wouldn't it be great if that's all I wrote during the review. But Seriously, this is as excellent as the one word I summed it up with. I absolutely loved how it was a letter, but you still managed to weave the story, and impart your theme. Not much to say, so just Great JOB!
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Review of The Change  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I'm so tempted to respond to this rather than review.
This is a poem which shows the violence in relationships, and gives me a visual that can't escape my head. I hate to say that a poem about such a sensitive issue is wonderful, but seriously...the poem is good...Very good.

You had some errors though:
Line three needs to be: Pain SHOT through me

Once the kicking STOPPED

So I went to hug him only to be pushed HELPLESSLY against the wall

Or when he asked me to never leave him cause he LOVED me so much and that he DIDN'T know what he would do without me

Also, your poem flows to well, and makes me gloss over things I should have stopped and considered longer as a reader.

Something that can make your poem stronger is if you reconsider your formatting for greater emphasis.

For instance in the line "Once the kicking stop he walked away but I knew in my heart it wasn’t over

Would be more impactful like this:

Once the kicking stopped
He walked away
But I knew
in my heart...




it wasn't over"

Great poem...awesome job!
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Review of Hear my Voice  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
I liked the poem, but it feels like the poem is missing something.

What is missing is the Why?
"Why is the narrator calling on God? What happened a year ago to make the narrator loose themselves and to what?"
It seems that in part of the poem you'er telling me instead of showing me.

I like some of your images, but don't quite understand them
The ocean so deep in my disappointment (this needs to be elaborated on...or reworded.) It'd be easier to understand like this, "my disappointment is as deep as the ocean."

And then there were some minor things (I'm not going to base my rating on this or anything cause it would be picky):
In the line: "How did I get so low that low feel like home?"--you mean to say "that low FEELS like home."

In the line:" I don't have someone that understand and listen the way you do"--you mean to say "I don't have someone that UNDERSTANDS and LISTENS the way you do."

All in all, good poem. great prayer. I'm gonna give it a 3.5, only because I feel that you can really take this poem to the next level with a little bit more work.

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Review of Window Panes  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the story. I was especially intrigued, and like...Seriously, who is throwing those stupid rocks at a moment like this! Ugh!

I think that the story could have benefited if you'd have named the characters and given the girl a few preferences/character traits that made the girl all her own. Having She and He, kept me away from really relating to the main character.

Great images, and a beautiful description of emotion. Awesome job!
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Review of Forget  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like this poem, and it took me reading over it a couple of times to identify specifically what I liked about it:

It's your theme. The theme is strong and sad and feelable (I don't know if feelable is a word but we're gonna go with it) There's so much to it, the fact that a person can love and then over time forget. It makes me want to react more than it makes me want to review it. Which is a really great thing!

My only suggestions are:
It should either be

One day I will forget you
(as in I will forget you in the future)
or
One day I forgot you
(as in I forgot you in the past)

You've got to choose a version of forget and stick with it through out the poem.

My next note is:
The stanza
"and even if I cried for years"
Would be better if you just took out and, "even if I cried for years."

All in all, awesome job!

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Review of So Crazy  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like the concept of the poem, you're in a moment and telling everything that is going on as it is happening. I can almost see the moment in my head and feel right along with the narrator. What makes this poem weak, is the repetition of the line "Cause it makes me so crazy." Without it the poem is stronger, and it gives the poem a greater depth. This forces me to identify the emotion better.

The poem is also greatly improved without the first stanza where you're announcing your setting.

You don't need this part at all:
"Things become scattered
I miss the smiles and the praise
Right now, I am all by myself
Stuck in the little room..."

Without that and the "Cause it makes me so crazy," this would be a great poem.

I think you should work on showing the scene or the emotion and not telling it to us. Let the reader do a little digging and discover things for themselves (I think discovering that emotion for ourselves makes poetry awesome)
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Review of Time  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem was good, but it wasn't necessarily great. It was a good solid bit of writing, but it seemed to be lacking something. I read it through about 3 times, when I realized what it needed was more. Time as a moving breathing thing is beautiful, and it's a great image, but you can push this more.

The line "promise made," suggests to me that there needs to be more. What promise did time make? and to what? and why?
A journey is a process. What happens on this journey and why is it making it?

My favorite line was, "Its breathing ragged but never out of breath."
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In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thanks for letting me read and review your work! Of course, you are not obligated to apply my suggestions, nor will I be upset if you don't agree.

First Impressions:Excellent character descriptions. I got a good feeling for who Julia was, and felt really inside/drawn to her world.

General Grammar: I didn't notice anything too strong.

Theme: This is a good theme, but didn't resonate the way that it should have.

Conflict and/or Dialogue:The conflict affected the pacing. At first, I was drawn to Julia because of the feathers of the card, and that she didn't tell her children about her birthday because they would get overly-excited (these were good details), but these were small details. I wanted more details into the relationship of Sean and Jill. I wanted to no more of why it didn't work other than a disagreement over marriage. For instance, the moment that Julia knew it wasn't going to work. I also wanted to know, what she saw in Bill, and how she lived knowing he was her second choice.

Other Notes & Overall Thoughts: If more had been described about the relationship between Jill and Sean the end would have made a bigger impact. All in all, good story.

Thanks,

The_Cavity
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Review of How I Feel  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Thanks for letting me read and review your work! Of course, you are not obligated to apply my suggestions, nor will I be upset if you don't agree.

First Impressions:I was drawn to this poem because I suffer from depression, and it had no onset...It was just something that seemed to happen to me. I can sympathize with you as the writer, but I feel the poem needed some work.

General Grammar: I think you need to re-read the poem,and reverse some word orders to make the poem make a little bit more sense.

He has stolen something for me

should be

He has stolen something from me


All he does is just stares at and me wait

should be

all he does is stares at me and waits


pray should be "prey"
Structure: The poem is well structured. Each stanza successfully represents one new thought.I like poems that are simply structured like this

Flow, Meter, and/or Sentence variation:I like how bare the sentences are. They say what is happening as it is going on. The line that starts "like a crocodile" takes away from the poem, and should be taken out. If you take out this line it will make the poem more emotional, and give it a sense of showing me what is happening and not telling me

Theme:I love this because so many people think that depression is something that could be cured with a chai latte, a notebook, and a pep talk. I mean...not even Sylvia Plath managed to write her depression away. This is a solid theme. So, good job picking a theme.


Other Notes & Overall Thoughts:I like the poem, but it needs editing to be the best poem that it can possibly be. You've got a good theme, and I want to encourage you to keep writing! (Thnx..btw for stopping and signing my guestbook...we've got a lot in common.) If you ever want to talk feel ABSOLUTELY FREE to stop by and send me a message. Even if its like "the grass out side is green"

Thanks,

The_Cavity
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