I am reviewing your lyrics per your request. I must admit that I am not an expert when it comes to lyrics as I've never written any. I have done poetry though and the two are similar in many ways. This song was quite nice. The flow was smooth and the words not too trite. I did find one typo:
left me with just the memories i'd kept.
Should Be
left me with just the memories i've kept.
Hope that helps. Enjoy what's left of your weekend!
I really found this story to be exceptional and I have been a long time fan of short horror stories. My mother introduced me to my first collection of short stories (horror/sci-fi) when I was preteen and I've been hooked ever since.
The visuals in this piece are better than some of the published works I've read. The storyline was well executed and held my attention effortlessly.
I found the following typos/grammar slip ups:
"I have know doubts as to its’ authenticity"
"affair’s" should be "affairs"
Phrases I adored:
"cringing hierophants"
"foppish simpleton"
"malignant revelers screamed blasphemy to my outraged senses"
phrases that seemed too cliche:
"salty tears"
Thank you for sharing this, it's quite a gem! Keep on writing, you have talent my friend!
For your first shot at dark poetry, this is pretty good! The rhyme scheme is flawless. Well done! I did notice a couple little things that I wanted to point out to you.
It appears as though you have commas added where they do not belong such as:
the nature of, your hypocrisy.
I also want to point out that the first two lines of this poem directly contradict one another.
I love the use of color in this poem. It's a very nice touch and adds to the appeal. I have a suggestion, it might be cool if you "broke" the word broken by adding spaces such as "br oke n" or something. Considering how you use visual aids in this poem, I think it might look neat!
This poem is very well written and reminds me of how I feel at the moment unfortunately. In any case, well done!
My favorite lines are:
we're like a frozen statue now
so lovely, but unfeeling.
Wow. Just wow. The imagery is vivid and the wording of this poem perfect in my opinion. I can find nothing to critique with this piece. You my friend, have real talent.
My favorite part is:
My words carried away with dust and eagles
To high rocky cliffs beyond my reach
Thank you for sharing this. Happy Valentine's Day and keep writing!
In the spirit of Valentine's Day, I decided to review this love poem. It's very cute and reminds me of the kind of poem that a company like Hallmark would have interest in.
The only thing that you might want to keep in mind is that there are places where the rhyme scheme seems to be broken, such as: "Son and Comes".
Ha ha ha ha. That is very cute. I wish there was some music to accompany this. It reminds me of the types of songs they play when I take my two little ones to story time at the library.
It's a short yet neat little poem which I enjoyed reading. The three little things I would offer as a suggestion would be to consider changing the formatting. The space between each line is really not needed (especially with a poem this length). It really just doesn't look right to me. I think this would look very nice as a two stanza poem of four lines in each.
The second suggestion I have is to add punctuation to this piece so that the lines don't run together.
The last one is that you may want to play with the title a bit. It didn't capture my interest enough to want to read it. (the description below made me decide to).
Thanks for sharing this. I hope to read more in your port soon!
Child abuse is such a tough subject. It breaks my heart to think of a five year old suffering at the hands of an adult. Good for you for trying to bring about more awareness. That being said, I have a few suggestions for you.
Since the girl in the poem died the verbs describing her abuse should be in past tense. Therefore "And she cries alone" should be "And she cried alone"
I found some grammatical errors as well:
A missing word on the first line, second stanza "daddy was always"
First line, fourth stanza:
"Never done" should be "Never did"
Last line, fourth stanza:
"begin to unwound" should be "begin to unwind"
Last line, fifth stanza:
the word "Because" breaks the flow is isn't needed at the beginning of a line. You may as well just get rid of it. The line sounds much better without it.
First line, seventh stanza:
"Headed to heaven" should be "Heading to heaven"
Last line, last stanza:
"Again she will feel pain no never!" This sentence doesn't make sense due to the fact the words are all jumbled out of order. I would try some word play with this line and see what you come up with.
Hope that is helpful to you. Have a great week and keep writing!
Hello. I just finished reading your poem and I can totally relate to it. There is so much talent here on WDC, that I think we all feel like a bloody hack at times. At least, I sure do! I also know how fustrating it is to be unable to take what's in your heart and transform it into words without losing some of it in translation. Very fustrating indeed.
I do have a suggestion for you. The last line "to catch the joy of life" just doesn't seem to fit when given the context of the line before it. I think something to do with rhythm, since the other line was about dance, might sound better. I hope that helps!
I really enjoyed the subject matter of this poem. It's something I think we could all relate to feeling one time or another. That in mind, I do have a few suggestions for you of a technical nature. I hope you don't mind.
I would only capitalize words that start a new sentence or train of thought and utilize punctuation for line breaks and the like.
I found a typo on line five. "surronded" should be "surrounded". You should also change "ones" on the fifteenth line to "one's"
I hope that's of some help. Thanks for the read and keep on writing!
I really enjoyed this poem. I can't believe it was your first and only. I suggest you try and dabble in the art a bit more as it's obvious you have a real knack for it.
I didn't find any flaws with this piece at all. The rhyming scheme was perfect. You did not fall into the trap that I see far too often with poets trying to pass off words that only sound a little alike as rhyming. That's one of my biggest pet peeves. The meter seems just fine to me as well.
All in all, a fine tribute to Motherhood. It made me smile. Thank you for sharing this and keep writing!
I absolutely adore the vivid imagery in this poem. This piece brings me back to the time I spent with my grandfather in hospice.
Your poem really touched me. It brought tears to my eyes and that's a very rare occurance for me when I read poetry.
I have no critique to give you. I think it's simply perfect as it is. Thank you for sharing this. Have a wonderful week. I look forward to reading more in your port.
I really enjoyed the subject matter and concept of this poem. The monumental struggle that can break a person down, day after day, week after week is one that I know well. That being said, I have a few suggestions for you. I hope you don't mind.
I would add punctuation to this piece. Without any punctuation all the lines tend to mesh together. I would also remove the capitalized words at the start of lines that aren't the beginning of a new sentence.
I also found a few typos that you may have missed:
Third line of the fourth stanza "thw" and in the last line of the last stanza you wrote "silent" instead of "silence".
Now this is only my humble opinion so take it or leave it as you see fit but, I found that the "brick in the wall" line detracts from your poem because as soon as I read that line I got sidetracked by that song popping up into my head.
It was a very interesting read. I enjoyed it. There is one question that comes to mind though... If the husband thought this child was his (therefore slept with her around the time she conceived) how would the lover or wife know for sure it wasn't the husband's baby?
I'd consider shortening the paragraphs a bit as some of them tend to run far too long, in my opinion.
I love it! Makes me want a little (ok, ok... A LOT of) chocolate right now myself. Great job on this. I have no real critique to give you. My favorite line is the last as food calls to me too, like a siren's song!
I enjoyed reading this piece. I used to be an adult child for awhile myself. Giving birth to a child with problems snapped me out of it pretty quickly though. I think the way this poem has been formatted adds to it's appeal. Nice job!
I did find one type for you. You wrote "cause -" instead of "- cause -" as the pattern dictates.
I enjoyed the concept of this poem immensely. I do, however, have a couple of suggestions for you. I hope you don't mind.
The current display, in all caps, is harsh on the eyes and the formatting is off, which makes this poem kind of hard to read and cluttered if you will. It detracts from the poem. Just my opinion though.
I can relate to this poem. I was spoonfed sugarcoated lies about my potential and future. In retrospect, I think they thought they were comforting me and trying to give me something to aspire to but they were really just setting me up for a big downfall... and fall I did!
I found a typo on the third to the last line: "suffocationg" I would also suggest perhaps centering this poem. I think it would look nice with this piece.
Thanks for sharing and write on!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1198095 by Not Available.
Love can be a prison, in and of itself. I enjoyed the subject of this poem. I do have a couple of suggestions for you.
Use punctuation. It tells the reader where to break and keeps at the lines from running together.
On the 10th line, "no one" should be "anyone", on the 12th line, "You got" should be "You have". You forgot to capitalize "I'm" on the third to the last line.
Hope that helps! Thanks for the interesting read and have a great weekend!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1198095 by Not Available.
Thanks for sharing this piece. I wrote a poem on this subject as well. It's a topic I think everyone can relate to at some point in their lives.
I have a few things you may want to consider:
I found a typo on the second line. "There" should be "Their". I would also suggest changing the punctuation around some (as it would really help the flow of this piece) and only using capital letters at the beginning of a new sentence or train of thought.
The line: Perhaps real, maybe mystical. Doesn't really work for me. Mystical is something borne of magic and doesn't really seem to fit within this given subject. I would stick to the emotional and physical aspects of what you are writing about. Just my humble opinion.
Thanks for sharing and keep on writing!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1198095 by Not Available.
I am sorry you are going through such a tough time in your life right now. Writing is some of the best therepy I have found, so keep it up!
I do have a few suggestions for you of a technical nature. I would change the intro as this poem only casually mentions the two people (woman & child) and focuses upon your boyfriend.
Please consider getting rid of all the spaces between each line. Sometimes cleverly using certain spacing can add an element to a poem but in this case, I think it detracts from it. Capitalize your "I"s. I would also consider using punctuation other than commas as there are places that look like that current thought has ended and a period would be much better suited. Otherwise all the lines tend to run into one another.
I also found the following misspellings:
"agian" instead of "again" on the second to last line.
"vein" instead of "vain" on the last line.
I hope that helps and that things start looking up for you soon!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1198095 by Not Available.
I really enjoyed reading a poem on this unusual topic. This disease has touched so many lives and yet people discuss it so little. You did a great job using metaphors. They really fit the subject quite well.
I loved the last two lines:
He used to be the raker,
Now he is the wind.
I have a suggestion as well. I think the poem would flow better if you cut the first two lines into a few smaller lines so instead of: "Imagine raking leaves of autumn into nice neat piles, sorted by color or by tree."
you had
"Imagine raking leaves of autumn,
into nice neat piles,
sorted by color or by tree."
It's just a thought. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1198095 by Not Available.
Yup, when someone is toxic to your emotional well being, it's time for a clean break. Good for you for knowing that. I have a few suggestions for you of a technical nature.
There is a typo on the first line. You wrote "your" instead of you. I would add punctuation to this poem so the lines don't all run together which will help with the flow a bit. I personally, would also make, "but you couldn't be more wrong" it's own line... but that's just me.
Hope that helps! Keep writing through the pain, it's good therapy and I sincerely hope things get better for you very soon.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1198095 by Not Available.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/theantibarbie
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 10:51am on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
