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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/theepic95
Review Requests: OFF
72 Public Reviews Given
73 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I often choose two or three aspects of a work, and cover them in depth rather than a full-over reveiw. Am rather longwinded, and always surpass the 250 char by a long shot. I try to take my time, and often spend hours on one reveiw. Prefer poems, chapters, and short stories.
I'm good at...
Catching disunity in a piece. I pay alot of attention to structure and grammar, but am best at catching phrases that do not give the right effect.
Public Reviews
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Review of Hatchlings  Open in new Window.
Review by Helena Noel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Very interesting!
The final line of the second stanza, "too long it takes to fit," came off a little awkward, but the meaning was clear. I did have more difficulty with the final stanza... "Now maybe [it is] time/to wheel up my wagon/Shift to some place real...]
I couldn't quite decipher those third/fourth lines in the the final stanza. Did you mean "AND shift"/ "Shifting?" I can appreciate how those changes might mess up the rhythm, and I see why you didn't use either, but right now I'm not sure what it's saying.
However, I love this nature-focused theme, and
I think, after reading this, I'd like to try out a similar rhyme scheme myself. If you know what this is called, I'd most certainly love to know.
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Review by Helena Noel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Tender, full of yearing and reaching hope. I can almost imagine my own unsaid words setting sail like apaper boat, and see myself watch after it, knowing very well the chances that it can make landing with the people I've neglected, now gone. But still, yearning, hopeful.
I did feel that the second half was rather jarring, not so much the udden change from to "Set Sail!" From "Sail On!," but the shift as a whole that took place then. In addition to that change, the line leangths became more varried, a little unpredictable, and I had no clue the rythem they followed. It wasnt quite as strudy as the beginning. It seems odd to go from Sail On to Set Sail, rather than the other way around, and it doesnt much make sense to me, I confess.
But I loved the poem, and I had to read it more than once! I will, undoubtably, read it again. Thank you for this delightful piece!
Write on!
~HN
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Review of Ahtanum Ridge  Open in new Window.
Review by Helena Noel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)

Hello, Scott! Thank you for asking me to review your piece.


Ahtanum Ridge is a poem appears to be freestyle, with no rhyme or easily apparent meter. It is full of somewhat intense and very striking imagery, describing what I believe to be a mountain range. This piece compares the mountains that thrust up from the earth to fallen bodies of defeated soldiers, left from a forgotten war of a cosmic scale.


One thing I noticed off the bat is the lack of any periods. I am aware that it is a style for a poet to allow line breaks to act as punctuation. However, in the case of this poem, I feel the punctuation would go quite a ways towards ensuring this poem's clarity. The only definite typo I could see seems to be in the first line of the third stanza.


"Yellow flowers grow over the secretes[secrets]"


There are some odd points, phrases that I feel deserve a second look. Such as


"Like a tombstone unreadable due to time

Or distance"


and


"The skirmishes are long gone fought"


The first because the "due to" language has a technical feel, especially paired with the longer word "unreadable"; this seems a little out of synch with the rest of the stanza. The latter, because it took a bit of work to understand. Perhaps "The skirmishes fought are long gone" or some other such configuration of the sentence?


The second and third stanzas are my favorite part out of it all. The second especially, as it describes the rush of the wind coming out of the mountains, and is both thrilling and a little bit eerie as it draws the readers to imagine the gust as the last life-breath of these soldiers escaping. I can almost see the wind stirring trees across the mountainside, and imagine that innocent ripple to be a deathly shudder as the fallen hero lets go of life.


Despite some awkward phrasing and one typo, this piece shows a high level of skill. I feel it a good look into an imaginative and clever mind. The metaphors are interesting and simple, yet not at all overt. It required, at least for me, some serious thought to get them. But the way that they were delivered, with mysterious tone and engaging style, made me feel it was well worth pausing to think about.

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Review of October  Open in new Window.
Review by Helena Noel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey, came across this in random reviews.
I think this poem is pretty clever, and I don't typically like acrostic poetry. You did a wonderful job of describing October, and I especially loved the imagery you used.

"Orange, yellow, and scarlet leaves," and
"Bright harvest moon smiling down"

Had to have been my favorite lines.
I see no mistakes, no errors, and I can't think of any suggestions. Good work!
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Review by Helena Noel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Oh, gosh! I am not one to crack up at puns, but this was good! I liked the simple sillines of it all, and the smoothness that you managed as you worked in little joke after little joke.
It took me a second to get some of the ones in the second stanza,with the asparagus and stalking, but rereading it just made them all better anyhow.

I dont see any gramatical errors or misspellings, and though there was small issue of flow with the second stnaza. The second line in it was a little awkward and felt a bit like filler, like it was bending over backwards to rhyme with "her". But the rest I just love, and I didnt mind that line too much at all. I think silly poems are allowed to take liberties like that.
Great work, and thanks for making me crack up!
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Review of Lost and Found  Open in new Window.
Review by Helena Noel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey, Than, I came across your piece in Random Reviews and thought it was well worth a review.
I think this is a very interesting read. I think the whole finding the hat in the bathroom aspect of the story was clever; the emphasis on having to cover up his haircut and the unusual way the hat is attained it makes it obvious that it will be a focal point in the story. At the same time, when Sean makes his first wish for the previews to start late and Simon throws up in the bathroom, I wonder if he didn't get some terrible disease from picking up the hat. I was shaking my head, half convinced that Sean would be throwing up himself, soon, but that made finding out that Simon had died on his trek to the parking lot absolutely chilling. Very skillful use of misdirection!
I don't know what to make of this Sean as a character. He genuinely feels the loss of his friend and, later on, he is horrified at the death of the blond. But when the detective comes along, and he makes the wish to know how this all happens, he acts like it doesn't matter. I would imagine, even if his greed takes over and he succumbs to the lure of power, there would be a bit of internal struggle. It's just a thought.
I see no mistake in your story, and can't think of any suggestions. You did a good job!
Write on.
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Review of The Test  Open in new Window.
Review by Helena Noel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey, Ken! Came across your piece in Random Reviews. I have to say, I like it! I thought it was clever, telling the story of a test rat, and I liked how it took some time to learn that it was a rat. I honestly never thought about one that was smart enough to hold its breath, he definitely pulled one over on the scientists.

Good work!
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Review by Helena Noel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Nice! I love the simplicity of this poem. Each short line reminded me of a small, shy smile. And I smiled, too, as I read it. The words all throughout were so well chosen, but I've got to say that my favorite part was the beginning:

" She wanders spritely
Through this space
A gentle spirit
A slip of grace "

I love the idea of a sprite of fancy slipping in gracefully, unnoticed, to touch people and light up their lives.
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Review by Helena Noel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Nice work!
I love the depth and immersiveness of this. All through, as you drew me in with the details of the normal things, the plain faced Lily not wanting to tattle, a lot where baseball is played, a man who wants his remote, I wondered where the "fantasy" it was labeled as came in. The sudden, unexpected appearance of the dead Calvin Parker made it clearer, and the surprise, vampire ending clearer still.

" Going to Rose, he sunk his teeth into her neck and drained her body of blood. Next he went to Harvey and did the same thing. "

You did a wonderful job, but I can't help but fee this a little bit too simply stated. Its just a thought, but I believe this ending line deserves a second look.


I only noticed two typos:

" She had watched the Osol twins break the windows each morning and the Mrs. Carson.... "

" "Ever [since] Calvin Parker's funeral, Lilly has been sitting in that swing staring at that house." She took another sip of soda, "I'd almost swear she was in mourning." "

Thank you for the interesting read. Write on!
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Review of Angels Weep  Open in new Window.
Review by Helena Noel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Definitely very interesting. You did a very good job showing, with your descriptions of darkness, lights being snuffed out and the absence of love, a place or state of utter hopelessness..
I liked the image of the angel crying, of tears being the seed of tomorrow. Someone I know told me that crying is a blessing, it allows you to mourn over, then accept far more fully the troubles you face. When the tears are associated with angels (in my humble mind, with innocents) it seems a metaphor for the grief of innocents over the sins of today being the hope for a better tomorrow.
There dose seem to be a need for more punctuation.

"Beyond the stench of death
angels weep crystal tears[,] each
containing the seed of tomorrow[.]"

That part was a little difficult to understand without it, the missing comma especially made it hard to understand its flow. But aside from that, you have done very well. Wonderful work. Write on!
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Review of This Life I Lead  Open in new Window.
Review by Helena Noel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Very good. I liked how it had a certain rhythm about it, it almost emphasized the point the speaker was trying to make, that his life was dull, monotonous and perhaps not worth living. I can't help but wonder at the end, whether it was meant to speak of our lives slowly wasted, petering out until we die or rather if this lifeless "life" is already a kind of death.

I think the first stanza was my favorite, it was well written, and rather clever, too.

I might say that the final line of the last stanza fell a little flat. probably because of the sudden change in scheme, it went from aabba to abbba. This is only a thought, but I feel that the sudden space of three lines between the "a" rhymes was almost too far a distance for the final line to be recognized as rhyming with the first.

The rest of the poem was done quite excellently. Superb job, Ulysses. Write on!
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Review of Music  Open in new Window.
Review by Helena Noel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This has a very simple, but fun, aa bb cc rhyme scheme. I always tend to be fond of them. The metaphors are interesting, and I love the opening two lines. Some lines, such as

"which makes our fate something like a blank white page."

and

"Where you have been, will be, and where you now are,"

seem to be a tad wordy. Reading, I felt that this whole poem, from references to the blank page that can be filled, the wine that grows better and better, the music that improves, are all wonderful ways of saying that the speaker's adore for his significant other deepens, grows richer as time passes.
Its all very good, very clever. To be honest, the clever simplicity about it makes if feel rather pithy, but also more like a written quick, affectionate peck on the cheek than a heart-felt love poem. Not at all a bad thing.
This is lovely and, as usual, I enjoyed your piece, Mr. Sturn!
Write on!
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Review of Sophism  Open in new Window.
Review by Helena Noel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Haha. Pleasent seeing someone who knows what a sophist is! People tend to look at me funny when I use the word. But you wrote this pretty well, i like the rhymes, very clean, and the points you made were very interesting. Lines 3-6 were one, long, run on sentence going from the end of (what could have been in another form) the end of one quatrain to the *end* of another. It made me rather breathless to read even *silently*! But at the same time, it isnt at all confusing like many other run-ons are, and has a rather nice effect (epsecially considering that doubtless many sophist run on about nothing, and this run on is about sophists.)

Good work, pleasent to read, and clever usage of the contest propt words! Nice!
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Review of Fields  Open in new Window.
Review by Helena Noel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
It feels a little meandering, a little wandering and random towards the end, but the middle and beginning are very strong. I like the imagery and metaphor, the beginning and end were especially vivid. I'm afraid the only thing I can comment on is punctuation. There are many lines throughout the poem that overuse commas. It isn't a big deal, it doesn't throw off the flow too much, but it does make it a little harder to understand. It seems there are unnecessary commas on lines 1, 4, 7, 9, 12, 14 and 15. It was a bit hard to count the lines, so I could be off!

But I really enjoyed this poem, and think you did a very good job. The rhymes were well done, especially in lines early on like

"Within defeat,
My hope they took,
And I drag on with eyes of dismay."

And the use of reverse syntax in those lines is very smooth, the difference between this and the way the rest of the poem speaks is almost unnoticeable. Another thing I like was how good of a job you did at giving the speaker a voice so clearly a suffering, rather sad one, and at the same time so clearly hopeful.
Write on!
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Review of Cliff Dream  Open in new Window.
Review by Helena Noel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
It seems that, in some places, this piece's usage of reverse syntax (Yoda-speak) such as in the last lines of the second, third, and fourth stanzas, is a bit awkward. It doesn't flow very smoothly into those lines and, because each is the final line in its stanzas, it might be a good idea to take a look at it.

In the sixth stanza, your couplet, you did a fairly good job.

"They never look my way, not even a gander,
As if over the precipice I planned to meander."

I might say that throwing the word "precipice" in there gave it a kinda hitch, throwing off flow. It is an hard word to get your mouth around, or even your head if you haven't seen it more than once or twice. At the same time, it was otherwise well worded, and very interesting for the sudden change in form and stanza-length towards the middle of the poem. Almost dramatic.

When it comes to awkward ending lines, there are a couple ways to avoid it. Personally, I write the last line of my stanza first so it is as smooth as possible, then the lines that need to lead into it afterwards. If I'm going to stretch myself, I'd rather it be to *reach* my ending line, as opposed to being at the last line and *still* reaching. For words like "precipice", a good idea would be to avoid using obscure words unless they have a similar-sounding/rhyming word somewhere in a nearby rhyme or fit within the *feel* of the poem. "Precipice" was a little too technical for a poem about a dream.

But you did well on everything else. I especially like the second to last stanza, the third line most of all, even if it's fourth line was slightly wordy:

"Quiet my mind, prepare for the fall,
Listen to the sound of the rushing water that calls."

Great work! Write on!
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Review of Cheerful  Open in new Window.
Review by Helena Noel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Oh gosh! Makes me want to laugh and smile for no reason, I love this!
It is short, but you certainly don't waste any time. The first line is simple, and every single line after that is packed with very, very strong imagery. Four types of imagery woven together quite beautifully and seamlessly that absolutely immerses the reader into these experiences of cheer. A lot of this was taken from summer and spring, the sand, the baby birds, the lemonade, and of course the summer laughter. Using these to describe cheerfulness nearly ended up making me rather sad, since summer is all but over. But still, you had me experiencing every little bit of it right in my little chair, and you were right! It did make me feel cheerful! Of all the lines, though, my favorite is

"It smells like a crispy, baked brown apple pie"

Though, maybe I am a bit biased because Fall, and perhaps thanksgiving pies are still ahead of us somewhere. Or maybe by the fact I am hungry! Regardless, this is a lovely poem and I feel blessed to have read it. Write on!
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Review of Grey world  Open in new Window.
Review by Helena Noel Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey! Welcome to WDC, newbie! This is a beautiful poem.

"When you stop breathing,
you stop thinking"

It's true. when you stop breathing, you can't really think because you become oxygen starved, and eventually die. But I'm not sure that's what you meant.... there isn't anything wrong with it, though, it just stood out to me and caught my attention.

I love the points that are made, that love is the color of our lives, creativity and hope their spice. And though it doesn't often occur to me, we really can't know a person who doesn't love, or who we don't love. Not really, not in the depth of their hearts. I often think of people I consider dear friends, many of them people the world would say I barely know. I'd compare them to people I've "known" for years and wonder, "who the heck are these weirdoes?" They feel like strangers, because my heart isn't open to them, and theirs aren't open to me. We can't really know without love.
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Review by Helena Noel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Rediniquity!
A very interesting start to the story; it feels a little short for a chapter, but that isn't bad. There were a few parts I had trouble understanding, though.

"The manor was made up of three triangles stacked beside each other creating a strange square base with a pointed roof."

I'm having a bit of trouble imagining that, it since I don't know of any geographical way to form a square with only three triangles. After thinking about it for a while, I think you meant three triangles astood on end and placed one in front of the other. I don't know why it confused me, but it did, and even reading the sentence now with the assumption that this is what it means, I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around it.

I did notice a typo towards the end

"...the move from Austin had not effected [affected] any of her friendships."

and a short bit that was rather awkwardly phrased

"Each stared out their own view of a large white truck..."


Other than that, very good! You did a wonderful job filling this piece with descriptiveness, painting a vivid picture of the house's interior and introducing the reader to the new environment, and made it clear that the environment was new to the characters, too.
Write on!
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Review by Helena Noel Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Andy! I came across this piece in today's poetry newsletter! I enjoyed reading it there, so I thought I'd pop in and take a closer look.
To asnwer the question you asked, yes, the abba, cddc, effe, gg scheme is perfectly acceptable, and is a normal varriation of the abab (ect) English Sonnet.

I noticed you dont use punctuation if it falls on the end of your lines, there a many missing commas. I know many who feel that the break in line is puncutation enough. I dont always agree and dont leave it so myself, but it certainly works well here, and repect it.
Something I might point out though, are lines

"Until my darkest night turns to blue"

"And a sky that once was black turns to blue." And

The first one seems to have a missing beat, a missing sylable in an iamb, and breaks down at "turns". A suggestion would be to make
It to "returns", or some other iambic word.
The second breaks down in the beginning and again at "turns". In "And a sky" it starts up with two unemphasized syllables in a row. That could be why the line still has ten, but it throws off the rythem quite a bit as you end up with two beats back to back at "black turns".
My suggestion would be "And skies that once were black turn back to blue." Because it would meld with the previous lines "turns", "turn" or "returns" (unless you come up with something you like better) as well as "back" sounding nicely with "back", internal rhyme is always a plus. In fact, the double "turns" was a very good thing in the first place, even with the meter off.
A point to consider in the third quadrain would be the three lines

"And hear you whisper gently in my ear/ ["]My darling, there is nothing you need fear/ In being lost[,] my love, there is no shame["] "

I think this is self explanitory. Punctuation on ends or not, it is a good idea to let people know where the speech begins and ends.

As for the rest, simply marvelleous. I loved the entire second quadrain, but most of all was the couplet. The way it turned it around in the end was delightful! Essentially, all thoughout the speaker was saying "I love you, I need you", and then it ended with a beautiful, short verse where the speaker feels the he is loved and needed. Couplets are awesome, and you reminded me of why! Thank you! I ought to rlwrite more sonnets :)

Peace!
~Helena
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Review of Shadows  Open in new Window.
Review by Helena Noel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This manages to pack quite a lot of suspence in such a short story. All thoughout the element of strange flashes of shadows in the eyes of its characters, at first seeming, as in the bartender, an odd way of a sense of almost-recognition, then growing more... interesting as it moves on. When some strange, supernatural-seeming occurance happens to the wandering James, when

"The shadows around him seemed to grow darker and more definite, edges and depths appearing in places where there was nothing to cast a shadow"

it becomes harder and harder to think of his depression and ultimately his terror as the result of a little too much drink, and harder to blow off the shadows as a metaphor.
Something was lurking there, and he knew why. I got the sense that either he was invoved in something henshouldnt have, something occult, or else it was the devilish and guilty mischief that folows after a sinfuly man, reminding him of his sold soul. From the assertion that hisbreason for drink differed from the other patrons at the bar to the shadows that flashed behind the eyes of his won wife soon after he lied about being out with his buds, I find it hard to believe he was covering for anything so ordinary as a night in a pub.
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Review of The Collapse (1)  Open in new Window.
Review by Helena Noel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I'm not sure how to reveiw this. I always have thoughts, but I'm afraid my head feels a little empty after reading this. It is so sad, and also so absorbing. I can say that it does a marvellous job at immersing the reader, if only a little, into the grief of the woman. I felt like I was there, in the room, witnessing the aftermath of her appointments, present and helpless to comfort her. I am convinced I would have been just as helpless if I had actually been there, too. I dare say she felt helpless herself.
But Grief was there. And he was a sort of comfort, somehow he stood there, existing for her more tangibly than i'd imagine anyone else could have in that moment. This calls to mind a poem by Ella Wheeler Wilcox called An Old Comrade.
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Review by Helena Noel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Oh gosh. This is my LAST attempt, I swear....
Something I didnt notice til the sixth of eleven times (my browser kept shutting down, okay?) reading this is how this work has no set rhyme scheme, and utilizes many slant rhymes, as well. That's good! It means that they were done flawlessy, fitting together so well that they made up for not being the like the norm.
The first thing I noticed, how ever, was the line lenghts. It is always facinating the effect they tend to have. In the beginning, the seem to have the air of the speaker lazily waking, dreamily taking notice of the poem's "Angel" emphasized by how they were drawn out. But when it moves to the third, shorter lines and more impassioned speech give it the feel of a quickening heartbeat as

"The world about her seems to come alive"

This is streanthened even more by the assertion that he is struggling to survive.

Wow.... I got far this time! I have more thoughts, but I dare not go farther. Im scared. Let me just say that you did good. Keep writing!
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Review by Helena Noel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Oh gosh, craking up! I have to admit, I had to stop reading halfway through to run to my little bro and show him the passage where the speaker goes from dreaming of a gravedigger to realizing its just a girl scout. (Then, of course, so sneak off and get some desert of my own... you made me hungry!)
The one hiccup (there were a couple, but this one got at me) was the speaker waking up. It told of his his disorientation, his grogginess, if you will. But the sentance wasnt really that of a sleey person. I might put a groan in the beginning, or at least (because it WAS a question) a question mark on the end. It seems odd, aswell, that it is in a paragraph by itself. Perhaps I could suggest moving it down to join the next paragraph and sentance, and splitting the that sentance in half? Then it would look more like this:

" "What in the world is that sound...[?]" I managed to mumble as my mind cleared[.] I realized I wasn't trapped in a satin three-by-eight foot prison as....." ect.

(Though to be honest, if I seperated the sentances, I would ditch the phrase "I realized" and put something more elaorate in there, just to keep with the rambling style of it all)
When the dog was mentioned, how he slept while somebody was knocking, my thought was "Oh, gosh. Laziest dog in the world. Mine'd be goin' nutz!" Then you brought it back to that point in the end, killing the image of laziness with tall tales of heroism, and driving home the temptingness of a cookie.
I loved your rambling, stream of conceiousness style, and smiled as he drifted here and there on diffrent meanderings, just giggling madly as he got caught up in describing the vaccums as

"A cross between a robot, and a rouge Russian satilite."

Great work! Know that I very thoroughly enjoyed this.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of The Ice Lake  Open in new Window.
Review by Helena Noel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I dont know what to say! This piece is amazing. I love it, love the mataphors. the external situation representing a prison in his own mind. He immersed himslef in his past, clinging to it, then found that he was drowning. A wall of coldness to keep some precious memory to himself, to protect him from the present ultimately traps him, helpless and alone, in the past. For some reason, this makes me long for her story, for the one who had been struggling to pul him out for so long that she found herself just as cold, just as ready to move on by the time he realized where he was and was ready to break out. I cant help it, now that Ive seen into his mind, I have to see why she walked away.
I know its a long shot, but if you ever write her side of the story..... let me know. That'd be so cool. Uh, no pun.
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Review of The Sound  Open in new Window.
Review by Helena Noel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Oh gosh! This is hilarious! I do believe then ending line could use a little work. For some reason

"What's that sound?"

dosent quite seem to fit. The phrase sounds only vaugely curious. He just went though a whole mess of trouble I that I doubt id even have room to sumerize. He hasnt had a full nights sleep I've-lost-track how long, and it was a sound in the first place that started it all. Even if its it dosent drive him mad that there is a new sound, he should be ticked all to heck that he wont get to sleep.
I couldnt help cracking up when fred told his parents he has a gambling problem! I cant say I wouldnt do the same, though, if id destroyed my home and acomplished nothing all for the sake of a noise no one else heard! You did a great job of filling out the characters, from his tired father, uptight Ms. Taylor, charming Beth, and especially the obsessive Fred Ryan. I had a dopey grin of enjoyment on my face the whole time, and I dont typically like stories about people embarassing themselves. This however, was immensely enjoyable. Nice work!
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