Title: Doesn't really fit the story. The constable is not even an active character.
Characters: Really vague. I can't see anyone connecting with 'The man'. Give the poor bloke a name.
Plot: Very thin.
Story structure: The structure needs work. You spend an awful lot of words talking about a news item and his attorney friend which are irrelevant to the story.
Spelling/grammar: Other than the paragraph seperations and a few minor punctuation errors, it is okay.
Suggestions:
When the man arrived at his home in Oxford, England, nothing seemed suspect. ---'Seemed is a weak word. I would revise to eliminate this, as this is your opening sentence and should be strong.
The soft, large sun, which had kept England at 67 degrees all day, was beginning to descend descending over the foothills, filling the sky with a brilliant mix of sharp pink and a vibrant yellow.
As he was pulling his dark red Shelby into his long, cobblestone driveway, he could still hear the quieting celebrants of the one to nil World Cup victory over Brazil. ---This should be a new paragraph. I would consider lessening the adjectives, as well. It hurts the flow of the sentence.
He smiled to himself, thinking of the pub he had just left,. All the men, much younger than him, were going insane over every play grand old England made.
Soccer, he thought to himself, is the only sport that creates this kind of pandemonium. ---You can only think 'to yourself''.
He finally arrived at, and opened, the large, wooden door, ornamented with a brilliant arching window and a gilded doorknob. --- Too many descriptions for a door that has no importance to your story.
He stepped over the threshold, dropping his metal briefcase to his left, kicking his leather shoes to the right, and suspending his coat and hat from a large, antique coat rack at the entrance of the den. ---Would read better if this was broken into multiple sentences.
The news was on, telling the story of an awful car crash on the London bridge, two women, one pregnant, had crossed lanes and been rear ended, pushing them over the side of the rails. ---New paragraph. Only one of the women was driving, right? The other was a passive passenger?
The car had plummeted, they both died. ---This would be a good polace for some of those descriptions. Look...'The car plummeted to the ground in a fiery wreck, killing the driver and her pregnant passenger.'
The man’s friend, a defense attorney, would be defending the driver of the car that hit them. ---New paragraph. Try and reword to get rid of the passive voice...'would be'
The man pitied his friend, any jury, at the mention of a killed pregnant woman, would be drawn to sympathy. ---This sentence makes no sense. Think how the reader would interpret. Also, this should start a new paragraph.
What is more, the driver of the car had been drunk, as well as on probation.
His thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a man standing in the shadow of the room, “Awful story, eh?”
“Leave my presence before I notify the constable.” ---Given the situation, I would expect a little more passionate statement.
“I answered the question, Nicolai; you put me here because you are a cold, ruthless bastard who has no right to be standing on this earth.”
The explosion rocked the neighborhood and the surrounding county, leaving only rubble in the immediate radius. ---This explains nothing.
Overall: This story needs to be expanded to give it more substance. A stronger ending with a clear resolution should be worked out.
Good luck with the competition.
Best,
G
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