Overall, I thought this was an entertaining read, which did well for a story of that length to keep the reader interested. You created a believable character in Fred, and the pace stayed at a good tempo for the majority of the story.
Good points:
Fred's characterisation was very good, and I liked the little thoughts in italics when he first meets the landlady. If I were you, I'd go back and put in even more of these to further develop the voice of the character.
You didn't rush the plot through, which is always a temptation and serious danger with a story of this sort of length. Other than one part (the bit with Beth, which I've expanded on below), the timeframe and events were believable and you took the time to put in nice details that padded out the narrative and weren't directly involved in the plot.
To summarise, you did all the important things very well.
Bad points:
These stem mainly from details that either confused me or that I found unbelievable (and of course, these are just my views; you might disagree entirely)
The gambling - was it meant to be comic? When I read it I found it sort of amusing, but if it was a joke then that wasn't clear through Fred's voice. He was very serious when telling his dad about it, and the tone made it seem like a terrible lie that had to be told rather than an absurd moment of impulse (which it was, I think).
The ending is probably the only really important problem for me. It was either going to end with him finding the source of the noise, or not. The "not" was an acceptable way to end, but it was predictable. In a way this meant the "sound" itself was left unresolved, making the story somewhat pointless. Little bits and pieces made it still worth reading, but perhaps consider going back and adding a less obvious twist at the end? Otherwise the whole story could just be him moving in, things going wrong and his getting evicted, which in itself would be fine. I don't think you really needed the sound at all.
The Beth relationship was good, and I found myself hoping things would work out for them. However, the first time they meet, the reader is hardly party to any words between the two characters, and Beth's interest in Fred seems very, very sudden. I'd go back and add one or two more short encounters before she gives him the number etc.
(Finally, a very minor point, but you call her "a slim, good-looking blond". Technically "blonde" is the noun for a woman, and "blond" is just the adjective. Pedantic, I know, but small details like that will win you the benefit of the doubt with the reader and make you look professional).
In conclusion, I really liked your story; thanks for putting it up. |
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