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1,502 Public Reviews Given
1,964 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a form I use for reviews. I look for a Goal, Motivation, Conflict and Resolution. It also allows me to tell what I liked and what I thinks needs improving. In my reviews I may make suggestions by adding my take on what the author is trying to say. Purely a suggestion to take or leave as needed.
I'm good at...
Giving in depth and fair reviews. I usually review stories that interest me. I don't always like them but they have promise and potential. I am fair but I AM reviewing. I do not review grammar or spelling. I do point out past and present tenses as well as the over use of WAS, WENT, THE and THAT in one story so watch those.
Favorite Genres
inspirational, mystery,action/Adventure, paranormal and anything that falls into those broad genre, some fantasy and comedy
Least Favorite Genres
Vampires,YA or adult. This genre is overrated and unless you write much better than Steph Meyer, I probably won't read it. Most Non-fiction unless the premise interest me. Always worth an ask.
Favorite Item Types
Everything in the STATIC file except the ones listed below: Look down
Least Favorite Item Types
Appendix, bulletin, campfire, in n out, editorial,letter/memo, lyrics, outline, preface, script/play, Poetry.
I will not review...
Poetry. I don't understand this style and don't feel confident to review it. Novel or novella, I reserve the right to refuse to review. Not to hurt feelings, but time wise it may be something I can't give good attention to, but always ask.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Steve M Author Icon Here is your critique as requested/


Overall Impression

This is a good story. It shows the change in the lives of three people. It gives the reader hope as well as a plan to impact their life.

Setting:
I understood the setting. You gave details so the reader could recognize a farm and how it works.

Plot:
The plot has a purpose. The main characters move toward a common goal. Their motivation was to survive the conflicts that came their way.

Characters:
I think you made the dialogue interesting and informative. It read short and to the point.
"You figure on staying?" Harry asked one evening as they loaded the hay.
Johnny shrugged, "If you'll have me."
There are no frills, yet the repoire between the two men leaves nothing unsaid.
You did a good job using action to show the character's mannerisms.


Suggestions:
My feeling while reading this is you distance the reader from the action by your use of Was,were, went, had and other passive words. I never felt in the story, but outside looking at the action. You did a lot of telling, not showing.
You told me they were sad, eyes shone with tears (good by the way), but show me what grief feels like. I wanted to know if Harry felt grief. If he didn't, it's okay, but he should realize he might be different than others. At the funeral, when men wiped tears or struggled to get words out over the lump in their throat, he shoved all that down.
Since this is told from Harry's point of view from the beginning, when you switch to Johnny's POV I was confused and had to reread see who was doing the action. Head hopping is confusing to the reader. Stay in one POV. We don't need to know Johnny's thoughts. You can show his reactions from Harry's POV.
At the accident, Harry and Johnny came to the rescue. It feels unrealistic that Mrs. Johnson didn't run to the porch to see why her neighbor arrived. Show Ruth driving into the farm honking her horn to get attention. Everyone comes out. Mrs. Johnson, wrapped in her robe. She doesn't change but goes with Ruth. Johnny and Harry converse and follow. Show me the suspense. What is Harry thinking as he drives the 2 miles? When the two men get to work, with the two women kneeling by Ruth's husband. Harry pulls a horse blanket from the truck to lay under the man. Show me some compassion as he and Johnny work to lift the tractor.
You say Johnny looks at the pocket watch on his wrist. Sorry, that can't happen. A pocket watch has a chain with a tab that fits through a button hole. It then slides into a pocket. A wrist watch is something entirely different. Pick one or the other.

In conclusion:

I loved the story and it's plot. With a little tweaking, the story will keep the reader engaged.


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2
2
Review of The Thicket  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, Zeke Author Icon Here is the review you requested.


Overall Impression

I liked this opening chapter. It grabbed my attention from the beginning. Bethany is described in a way that draws out sympathy and fear of what is going to happen. The chapter progressed with a slow build to the end leaving me hooked to read the next chapter.

Setting:
The stadium bench seemed an odd place to hide as its open to the public walking by. Bethany's home isn't described much, but it isn't part of the story and isn't needed. However, her room needs some attention. How does it look compared to the time she and Emily were friends. This will show her mental change too. Her nest needs some barbs to make the reader uncomfortable.
I did like the transition to the camping trip, and it read smoothly with that eerie feeling of premonition.

Plot:
This opening chapter sets up the characters and their motives. You gave us the conflict and a premonition of what is to come. I don't know the whole plot, but I can surmise, depending on how graphic you are to be. I can guess Bethany's motive, and I am, can I say, anxious, for the conflicts that will happen.


Characters:
Bethany seems to follow the trope, as do the rest of the characters introduced to us in this chapter. All but Emily act as expected. What threw me off was her change when Bethany arrives. Her actions toward Bethany seemed to be at odds with her previous encounter. You need to examine her actions at the car. See below.


Suggestions:
Here are more suggestions for the above.
What are you trying to tell the reader? If Emily is being nice because Dan and coach are there, you need to show the dual face through her eyes as Bethany looks at her. Bethany should be confused, too. Emily's true colors come through as she forces Bethany to give her the sleeping bag or backpack. They need to both tug at it, showing their feelings in their eyes as they narrow, demanding one give over to the other. Who wins isn't always the winner. One can let go with a smirk.

I suggest you give the reader more setting under the bleachers. If the girls are coming down the steps, they will not naturally see Bethany hiding. She doesn't want to be seen. I suggest that a parent with kids walk by the bleachers toward the steps and sees Bethany. "Hello, Bethany, come sit with us and watch the coronation." At the mention of Bethany, Emily steps off the stairs and turns to see what the woman sees. She looks at Bethany, and her smile turns to a sneer as her fellow girls pass her to the bottom of the steps. "Oh, Mrs.XX, Bethany is going to hold our seats for us, aren't you Beth-any?" The woman smiles and nods, gathering her kids to find their seats. She looks back giving the group of girls a worried gaze.



In conclusion:

I like this story a lot. The premonition is scary. I think you have a good flow to your writing, hooking me into your characters and establishing emotion.


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3
3
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, matin555 Response to a Review Request


Overall Impression

The beginning intrigued me, and the end came as a complete surprise. You have the bones of a great story.

Setting:

The surprise is the setting. I didn't get it until the end, and then it all made sense.

Plot:

You gave a detailed description of the shoe and its probable owner. The details of the shoe became redundant and took me out of the story. Despite that, I continued to read because I wanted to know what purpose this shoe would change in the main character's life. While I didn't get that in the end, the result intrigued me.


Characters:

The shoe became the character. You described it and all the affiliates to it. You, the author, tell the reader about the shoe, even down to the millimeter. You also tell about the possible owner. All plausible, but by the end, it didn't connect with me. The details didn't connect the shoe to the man's personal response.

Suggestions:

1) Please limit the use of Was, Were, went and gone. Replace with action words that move the story.
2) After reading paragraphs 1-4, There seemed to be a lot of words that didn't move the story. They were details recounted over and over. At the beginning of a short story, you need to state the problem or goal and then show how it changes the Main Character. Give some conflict and motivation which in this case is in the end.
3)In this story you would state finding the shoe, it's unusual placement, how it looks in that place. Why he doesn't pick it up which confused me.
Add points that connect the shoe to the MC. memories of mother, sister, girlfriend or wife. Then the problem of why he can't remove it. Not detail but the consequences of removing something from this place. The possible repercussion of doing so.
Then the end.
In conclusion:
I love this idea. I love how you provide so many details. Don't delete it; just copy and paste it elsewhere.
I enjoyed the flow and the surprise at the end.


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4
4
Review of Solomon King  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear The Aviator Author IconMail Icon {/}
*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I love a good mystery. This one didn't disappoint me even though it is To Be Continued. The story is written for a younger reader. The target reader loves a good who dunnit detective story with a preteen as the hero.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? Solomon King is a detective at his school. He seems to be recognized as a detective when he gets cases delivered to him. I'm not sure how, but his best friend had submitted the last one in his file. Danny claimed the sports card Solomon gave him for his birthday had been stolen.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? The fact this card had belonged to Solomon and he gave it to Danny as a gift made finding it important to recover. It was worth $100-200.00

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? It appears no one that was near the backpack has the card. Solomon has to fight to prove himself. He can't find any clues.

*Pencil* Resolution: Spoiler: Solomon sees his best friend show up in brand new $200 sneekers. Solomon puts the clues together to find Danny sold the card to get the money to buy the shoes. Danny denies it. By the end of the chapter, the reader wonders if Solomon has the truth.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? We do get a sense of Solomon King. He claims to ve the best Detective taking after his father. He has a good home life and is a to notch martial arts fighter. Danny isn't as well developed neither is Redmond. I think they need some broader strokes.



*Pencil* What do I think needs work: First you need to look up what Point of View is. You jump from one POV to another mid paragraph. You need to stay in one POV at a time Especially for this age reader. Stick with the main character. What he sees, hears, smells and tastes. Anyone else in the scene must tell hor show Solomon their thoughts or actions.
You have a Chekhov's gun situation. That is you have a gun going off when no gun has been in the story. For example you have a pair of new sneakers without having set up the possibility of this happening. You may want to have the two boys talk about Dannys desire for the shoes so when this happens we aren't so surprised and wonder how this happened. You told the reader what happened. Always try to show the reader.
There are a number of other glaring places that need to be addressed but maybe someone else can point them out.

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5
5
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I promise myself often, over the course of the year, "I'm not supporting Starbucks again." Each time they show me something they support, or allow or encourage that disagrees with my philosophy, I repeat the mantra.
The cafe in Portland, Oregon, where I live, has had keypad entry for its bathrooms for a number of years. I walk in and ask for the number, and they give it to me. There are many homeless in the area, and I understand some feel it's their right to camp out in the bathrooms. I agree to monitor bathroom usage.
I don't see the need to ask for free water when there are fountains in the malls. A person has many ways to bring water with them on any journey.
I feel more egregious about paying $4.95 for a 4oz cup of coffee. And $7.00+ for the same kind of coffee in the grande size.
Nothing is free in the USA any more. That is why on your birthday a number of places offer free desserts, a drink take advange of that special day.
6
6
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Kenzie Author Icon I was drawn to your story because the title and brief description.


Overall Impression

This essay resonated with me. I worked for different companies for most of my life and didn't see these left by the repairman. I have seen posters with motivational lines. You gave a good explanation of this admonition. I feel the culture in the workplace has changed over the years.


Plot:

The basic thread of this piece is to inform and uplift the reader. Motivation in the workplace is a difficult topic. You show that it comes with an updated format that applies to this day and age, even though you wrote it in 2007.

Characters:

I am going out on a limb here and speak to a specific section. You added a paragraph as an example of how employees expect a different action out of the office as they do in th office.
I feel your words have cut to the core of customer service in the workplace.

Suggestions:

I have very little to suggest as I feel you have covered the subject with finesse. I would suggest using a different font or color for the quoted paragraphs. A bold or dark color for ease of reading

In conclusion:

You have written a good piece defining expectation and fulfillment of employee loyalty of the past to the casual entitlement of people today.You have portrayed both with respect.


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7
7
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Kenzie Author Icon I was drawn to your story because the title and brief description.


Overall Impression

I read this because I wanted to know what you were thinking, and your point of view on this subject. The result aligned with my thoughts and feelings. We are probably of the same age and see the world through similar eyes. It is a good subject, even if it was written about fifteen years ago.

Setting:

You introduced the subject, but assumed the readers are in the same country you are. Introduce the reader to the country and its culture.

Plot:

I loved the texture of your story. Since it tells the change in the culture of the United States over the last decade, you spoke the truth.
Speaking from a religious background, the essay tells of the fall of the generation. You also give references to the solution to the problem if anyone who reads this desires to do so.


Suggestions:
You repeat the same thing a couple of times at different spots. As you reread it, condense the thoughts so they follow the theme.
The last line needs a little work. I had to read it a couple of times to get your meaning. I agree with it, but I think you may want to rework it.
After doing a little work on this piece, I suggest you add more current situations and references, then repost. It needs to be brought to the attention of the public and those on WDC.

In conclusion:

This is a wholesome context. Well thought out with plausible references. With a little tweaking it is a powerful essay.

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8
8
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Author Joseph J. Madden Author Icon per your request.


Overall Impression

A good incident. I had forgotten part 1 and this helped a little to update me. You wrote a good scene with conflict and motivation. I felt I had a good handle on the characters.

Setting:

I liked the setting of the castle, but it could use a little more detail. In a novel, the main character needs to move through the room with more detail. Sliding into the throne room could use a bit more explanation.

Plot:

You did a good job setting up the scene and telling the motivation as well as the call to action. We see the main character get caught and rescued. The scene ended well and progressed to the next chapter.

Characters:

The characters in this scene are good and you have actions that show the reader some of their strong points and weaknesses. It's a good description. There is a little backstory and foretelling to keep the reader involved.

Suggestions:

The start of this chapter is slow. You use WAS WERE GONE where they need to be reworked. These words act as speed bumps in a story. Working on not using them makes you a better writer. It forces you to choose different wording. Work on this moving forward. What can you say differently so the reader is grabbed and wants to read to the end?
The entrance of the Queen could be a little better. What is Kieran's weapon of choice? Does she have a power? why didn't she use either one against the queen? The use of the Muskett to hit her was a little weak. If you rework the fight scene so it has a build up and climax. A little more detail on the aftermath would be helpful.

In conclusion:
I found the dragon a hoot. Getting sick was wonderful and took the intense of the fight to a softer level. If this isn't what you want then make the build up and climax stronger and only at the end does the dragon heave the queen out the window.


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9
9
Review of My Favorite Dog  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Jacky Author Icon I was drawn to your story because the title and brief description.


Overall Impression

This is a feel-good story that reminded me of 101 Dalmations

Setting:

You described the setting with good words, giving the sense that it was spring in a snowy part of the country. Most of us know the muddy spring ground.

Plot:

We got the sense that the person didn't want to walk the dog, (neither so I so I could sympathize) The size of the dog is part of the conflict which shows the walker didn't have control of a large dog. What I loved was the end where the dog's conflict brought the savior and walker together. Happy ending.


Suggestions:

I have no suggestions for this story. It is well written.

In conclusion:

I love the story and the happy ending. I look forward to reading these kind of stories.

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10
10
Review of Bitter Brews  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, NormaJean AKA CHEER QUEEN Author Icon I was drawn to your story because the title and brief description.


Overall Impression

I love a good cuppa. I was interested in a story about two ladies drinking tea.

Setting:

I didn't get too much of the setting. I'm sure there was a WC limit, so setting is assumed by the reader if you've ever been in a tea shop.

Plot:

I didn't get a goal here. Two women drinking tea that seemed to a ritual for them. No motivation for doing so, except that a new tea was offered and it tasted bitter. Neither gave much of a personal view of the tea.

Characters:

I didn't get a sense of age, except that the two seemed to have been meeting for a while. They seemed a bit like talking heads, but I wasn't put off by it. I wanted to find out the purpose of the story.

Suggestions:

I didn't get the ending. The lead up didn't fit the end. The two women were drinking a bitter teas and no one saw them at closing. The owner thought he'd cleaned up the previous night. You need to have some sense of action and reaction. If they disappear, you need to have something that leads the reader to realize that's what happened. It's like Chekovs gun; if someone is going to get shot, there needs to be a gun in the beginning of the story. If you have two people disappear, you need to have a reason this happens. Maybe they notice no one says goodbye or something.

In conclusion:

I love a good tea shop story. I think once you can expand the story you can do so filling in extra description.


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11
11
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, L.A.Saxe Author Icon I was drawn to your story because the title and brief description.


Overall Impression

I loved the story. I felt engaged right away. When I got to the end and realized it was a SHORT story, I was disappointed. You have a good story.

Setting:

The setting immediately put me into the story and I knew where I was as well as the era. With just a few words You set the stage.

Plot:

You gave the goal in the first line. We saw the problem and the question what was going to happen next. You also show the motivation as well as what was at stake with failure.
You added more conflict then reasoned it. You checked all the boxes

Characters:
Since this was a flash fiction you didn’t give too many character faults. I did wonder how he came to get it right at the end when he failed the first two times. Third time a charm?

In conclusion:

I felt you gave the reader an excellent story with failure on failure but he didn’t give up. I can see this turned into a longer story. I hope you win. .


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12
12
Review of Old Magic  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, JulianBenabides Author Icon I was drawn to your story because of the title and brief description.


Overall Impression I was curious about what your fantasy story might tell me. It left me with more questions than answers.


Plot:
Your story opened with a drop into action. The dialogue gave me an insight into a possible war the two characters were waiting to start. Following that the story morphed into a story about a fire. I wondered what the point of the ant war had to do with the beginning. What was the point of the war and what was at stake?

Characters:

The two characters at the beginning need a bit more description so I might be able to "see" them. This is a fantasy and I don't get a good feel for them. I did get they have excellent hearing and are able to tell one animal from another. I loved the ant descriptions.
The rest of the characters didn't enter with any description or tell me what their place in this world was.

Goal, Motivation and Conflict

I needed more information about the goal of this story and what the characters place in the goal. What was their motivation in the war? What was the war about and what would they gain if they went to war?
There wasn't a conflict in this section. I needed to hear what might hold the character back, you mentioned fear and that was good, but I needed more. It seemed all too easy going.


In conclusion:

I feel you have a promise of a start to a good story. You have a sense of where you want the story to go. I feel you have a leg up on many writers by having a handle on dialogue. This can be difficult to do and you did it well.
I hope you keep writing this plot



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13
13
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi, spacefiction


Overall Impression

I wondered what you would write about spaghetti. You held my interest almost all the way through.

Setting:

I didn't get the reason Andrew interviewed Nora. There was a prologue about not being science fiction but I didn't get any hint of anything sciencey.

Plot:

I love spaghetti, I see why Mom is concerned. You show her concern. I didn't get what her goal was for being in the interview or talking about Mark.

Characters:

You did a great job with Mom. Her concern for Mark and her willingness to talk about him. I think you tried to associate his eating with the death of his father but it didn't quite make it for me. There needed to be one more thing that connected the two.
Andrew was a filler and had no position. You needed to give him a purpose for the interview.

Suggestions:
I think the only issue that would have cleared this story was to give mom a goal and what motivated her and what was stopping the situation?


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14
14
Review of Family Matters  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Vick Rolling 🏳️‍🌈 Author IconMail Icon 040

I am reviewing in the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group."

Overall Review: I Loved the story. It held my interest all the way through. Your characters were realistic and lively.

What is the goal or purpose? Donovan is tired of his ghostly parents trying to derail his new love.

Is there a motivation? He wants to be with his love and become a family. He feels with Walter he can create a new family that his parents have denounced.

What are the conflicts? Donovan and Walter are gay. This is against the parent's belief and they are terrorizing the two even in their death. It has caused too much friction in Donovan's life as he sees them.

What I Liked: I like the emotion and the story line. I liked the ending. It was happy.

What Needs Work: There ae times I had trouble following who was speaking and what was happening. I suggest you call them mom and dad and not their names. Read it over and see where there needs a little more description.
Last of all ghosts don't move around a house like they are alive. You depicted them as actual human beings. They need to be recognized by the reader as ghosts. How do ghosts react. Even in Beetlejuice there are things ghosts can and can't do.


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15
15
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello (insert user)

I am reviewing in the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

Overall Review: I liked the story. I think you did a good job of giving the characters a voice and showing the era difference. You have good dialogue that was easy to follow. You followed the Goal, Motivation, and conflict format easily. Good job.




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16
16
Review of THE FRONT  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Bob Author IconMail Icon

I am reviewing in the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group."

Overall Review:
I liked your idea and the general plot idea. I didn't get this as a story, but more like something you'd like to develop. I think it's worth working on.

What is the goal or purpose? I realized her goal was to work in the fashion business. I don't know what is involved, but I don't think it's that easy. This could develop into the conflict you need to make this into a longer piece.


Is there a motivation? You are subtle about this. Her living on the other side of the tracks, living a false life at school. Good work.

What are the conflicts? Not much here. You need to develop this a bit more. This piece had no story, it was more and idea.

What I Liked: I like the plot. I'm a sucker for the less fortunate making it to their goal by working hard and developing their talent. (sorry I overused that word)

What Needs Work: As I said this needs to be made into a longer story with more angst in it.


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17
17
Review of Life and Death  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear BlakeFran3 Author IconMail Icon

*Quill* What I liked about the story:
I loved the title. I loved the first two paragraphs about baseball. I have enjoyed baseball and understand the game. You have the ability to string together words that sound good when read. However, most of the sentences that fill the large paragraphs do not explain the basic concept.

*Quill* What is the goal of this piece?
I accepted the request because I wanted to understand your perspective on life and death. What I read didn't answer the basic question. What do you believe?

*Quill* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? I didn't get the motivation of this piece. You understand that through giving, charity, and generosity, you will receive. This is a sample of the incomplete sentence and concept example.
The value is not in hoarding up for yourself, but rather hoarding and then giving to those in need. The word hoarding is to stockpile or amass something. Usually used as a negative verb. This is a good sentence. What does it have to do with life or death?

*Quill* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?
 You list many conflicts in this piece. Many are opposite examples and some are the same. Most of the examples don't have a resolution or give hope or define no hope for the reader.

*Quill* Resolution: The ultimate purpose of traveling is to die and then be reborn again while we are still in the yellow wood, while we are still traveling. This totally confused me.
but it's the single most important and rewarding adventure we can have while here, in the material world. What was this? what is the most rewarding adventure? to die or do you mean live?
It's a harrowing defeat of all that we thought we were, all that held us back, What was defeated?

*Quill* What do I think needs work:
While you have great ability to put words together, the average reader will be lost to the point you want to make. I wish I could have understood your explanation. I'm sure you see what you want to see, but it was lost on me.
I suggest you might make a bullet point piece. What is your belief in death? What is your belief on the hereafter? What is your definition of free-will and its place in each person's life?



My PDG Skeeter Sig


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18
18
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello Elby Wordsmith Author Icon My name is Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon and I'm responding to your request for a review of "My Life Philosophy/(the Greatest Prank)" Open in new Window.

*DropR*Title I wasn't impressed with this title after reading what you write. I think I'd like it to be; My Greatest Prank Against the Government

*Dropr* BeginningI wasn't sure where you were going at the beginning? It provoked a small smile from me as I'm not that far behind you in years.

*Dropr* Setting I get that you are in Canada. Things must be different there. I didn't understand why living a looong life would mean you have to default your pensions.

*Dropr* Characters This would be about the author which you've told us you are 74 year old. Your life has been a long one and a good one. I do get you have a sense of humor and are willing to laugh at your own expense.

*Dropr* Goal To live to 153 is quite a feat. Since no one since the Old Testament has reached that age, it will take a bit of health care and some perpetuity.

*Dropr* Motivation Here is where I didn't understand your desire to live a long life except to thwart the government. I'd like a little deeper motivation. You mention the connection to people and the least of all a sex life. These both seem out of place for someone wanting to live this many years past the expectation of life.

*Dropr* Conflict None expect that that long of life comes with it's own conflicts.

*Dropr* What I liked This was a great idea and I'd love to see it expanded.

*Dropr* My SuggestionsYour formant needs some work.
1) You started two paragraphs with the same word. Change that and rework where you have used the word, WAS. Don't start a sentence with the word BUT.
2) You add emotion to the piece by telling people what to do, If you have written something funny people will laugh or grin. If not, it wasn't funny.
3) I suggest you elaborate on what the effect is by putting a fake date on your tombstone. What are the drawbacks? Some people cant' add? They don't get it? Who would look it up to see what your read death is? This isn't like the tombstones with funny epitaphs on them

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19
19
Review of A New Dawn Ch.1  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello riajin-ryu0 My name is Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon and I'm responding to your request for a review of "A New Dawn Ch.1" Open in new Window.

*DropR*Title A New Dawn- A good start.

*Dropr* Beginning You give a good introduction of the characters.

*Dropr* Setting I'm not exactly sure of the setting for this story. I'd like more information as to the setting. I think this is a fantasy with Witches and Warlocks.

*Dropr* Characters You introduce us to a set of twins. They both have magical abilities, but they aren't detailed.

*Dropr* Goal There weren't any ultimate goal. You need to let the reader know what the main character ultimately wants. This will drive the story.

*Dropr* MotivationThis is in conjunction with Goal. Why do they want the goal? All through the story there is an underlying reason for the main character to keep going. Think of Wizard of Oz. What is Dorothy's goal? To get home WHY? She doesn't want to disappoint her Aunt and Uncle who love her.

*Dropr* Conflict You have a good conflict in a duel. However, it doesn't go anywhere. Somewhere in this first chapter, you need to have that moment where your main character is called to action. He knows he must use his gift to win a challenge
You need to have him deny or question the call. Then he decides to do it at any cost. This is all conflict.

*Dropr* The Plot I don't know the plot from this chapter

*Dropr* What I likedI like paranormal stories. I liked there are two magic's in the story.

*Dropr* My Suggestions Most "witches" are women. The male version of a witch is a Warlock. When your readers see witch they think female and then get confused when you tell them it's a man.
You don't have a true Point of View. Are you telling the story? Is your character telling the story? Decide and keep to that POV.
You might start by stating the goal. what does your main character want? To be a great Witch/Warlock? Why? He needs to say to protect his family from a rival family. When you tell the reader the goal and the why they begin to care for the character. As they endure conflict after conflict, the reader toots for them to win in the end.




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20
20
Review of Time Traveler  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello NormaJean AKA CHEER QUEEN Author Icon

I am reviewing in the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group, Ghostly Hallows Raid."

Overall Review: Hooked my interest and held it all the way to the end. I was disappointed at the end, it was too short

What is the goal or purpose? What a hook. Someone appeared in her car and said they were from the future. You kept the dialogue tight as you were writing for a contest with a word count limit. I would love for you to revisit this and expand the story.

Is there a motivation?Wouldn't any of us want to know what's in our future? It's an obvious question. If you choose to expand this, I suggest you word this with a little more intensity. "What's going to happen to me? What's going to happen to my family(husband, kids, mom,dad)? Whatever you include will give the reader a bit of background. What is she were on the way to visit her sick (fill in any of the above) and want to know their future? This is motivation.

What are the conflicts? Now you excelled here. You give us the setting which is a conflict. You tell us the car slid to a stop off the road. What if you have her sliding on the slick road and landing in a ditch or stuck in the mud of the shoulder? You have heavy rain and her stopped. What if she demands to know the future and needs help to get her out of the situation?

What I Liked: I just like the story. As you can tell I went off the deep end thinking how this would make a great scary Halloween story or even a tear jerker story....

What Needs Work: Nothing other than what I mentioned above. I hope you have another go at this story.


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21
21
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Ned Author Icon

I am reviewing in the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group, Ghostly Hallows Raid."

Overall Review: I was hooked at the beginning and it carried me through to the end. I like a good ghost story especially when I'm not quite sure how it's going to end.

What is the goal or purpose? Our hero must spend a full night in his aunt's house to recieve the in heiritance. Simple it seems but as a good writer knows, nothing can be that simple.

Is there a motivation? The money that will be his. He won't have to work for the rest of his life.

What are the conflicts? There seems to be just one. He says he doesn't believe in ghosts and the one there is determined to change that.

What I Liked: The pace of the story. It was a short story that could be extended. This story gave showed the reader hte character of the main character. His arrogance and assured attitude that a ghost won't scare him.

What Needs Work: I felt the ending fell flat. You lead the reader to expect him to not believe in ghosts. Yet when faced with a ghost he doesn't have much of a reaction. He taunts the ghost but she forces him to kiss her and he has no reaction. He feels he is pulled against his will, but he doesn't react. From the time she speaks there needs to be an escalation of conflict to the point he is forced to make a decision to run. Why would a man with this type of character give up money without a fight? I wanted more conflict between him and the Aunt.


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22
22
Review of The Dinner Party  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Write-fully Loti Author Icon

I am reviewing in the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group, Ghostly Hallows Raid."

Overall Review: This story had interesting characters and incidents that happened to the two woman who visit, uninvited to a dinner party.

What is the goal or purpose? At the beginning we find two friends on their way home. I liked that you gave them unique hair. Neither was grey. While their goal was home, that was sidelined by a fellow bus passenger.

Is there a motivation? I missed the why. Why would these women change their habit to go to a dinner they hadn't been invited to. While that is a question, this is a paranormal story. A reader might expect something supernatural.

What are the conflicts? There wasn't any conflict, but there were observations that cause one of the main characters to question her eyesight. There was an abrupt exit of the second character. What happened? Why did she leave? Good use of a conflict without having an argument.

What I Liked: It was a great story and far to short for me. I wanted more. It gave me a taste of three characters that pequed my interest.

What Needs Work: The use of was, were, went made reading this bumpy for me. I suggest you take the time to look over your writing and delete, rewrite and reword sentences that have those words in them. Only use when you can't use another sentence.


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23
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Review of I, Data  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Group ~ Reviewing with River  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello {user: } I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.


what was the goal if the main character?
The goal of this story is lost on me. It was an interesting moment in time with no real purpose.

What motivates the main character?
I wonder what the author intends to happen. I have one specific assumption, of course. After all, although I am an android, my father, Dr. Noonian Soong—who should never be confused with Khan Noonien Singh, an entirely different character and one who will be forever remembered as among the gravest threats to the Federation (second only to the Romulans, in my opinion)—had created me to be fully functional and programmed in multiple techniques, a broad variety of pleasuring. I wonder if this is the motivation for this story. I'm not sure but it seemed plausible.

What conflicts occur
When the Dr gave him the directive to run when they get to the bedroom, he didn't run. There may have been a point he wanted the scene to continue.


My over all thoughts
I liked the story in itself. It didn't qualify or fit my format but it was interesting and well written.




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24
24
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Chris24 Author IconMail Icon I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.


what was the goal if the main character?
To stay retired. That was basically it. He seems to be called out of hibernation which he resistists. I liked that he tells Zuria no but she pulls out a trump card

What motivates the main character?
This is pretty basic concept. The world is coming to an end and you are the only one that can save us. He still isn't motivated to help because he's lost what mattered to him.

What conflicts occur
There aren't any conflicts. I would have liked to see before Zuria shows up he is pressured and almost taken hostage to save them. But that isn't your story so he just has a conversation.

My over all thoughts
I liked your story. However some small things bothered me. Check your use of SO. This is something we say when we can't think of the right words.
Also the over use of THE. When you cut these words you have to rewrite the sentences and most times they are better.
Then the goal is repeated. To conserve word count it would have been nice to focus on what they want from him, his resistance and then up the game with the imminent annihilation and lastly the trump card, Maggie.




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25
25
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello Mara ♣ McBain Author IconMail Icon I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.

I especially like the way you used these descriptions

A ratty plaid shirt and cut-offs had never looked so good. Maybe it was the long, tanned legs hanging out below. His brows lifted in recognition. So did parts south of the belt buckle. Any way you looked at it, she was a sight for sore eyes.

There weren’t too many men that would argue. When she’d left Montana for the runways of Milan, she hadn’t looked back. Her best friend, Evelyn, had been just as shellshocked as John. They’d ended up comforting one another all the way to the altar.

I like this bit of conversation

This could be so good for both of us, John. Marry me and get an infusion of cash so you can continue to protect the Yellowstone. Quit beating your head against a brick wall. Have someone in your corner. Someone to talk to and wrap around at night.”

My over all thoughts

Cyn leaned in, her lips playing over his in the barest caress. “Because I know you, John Dutton. Now, come on.”

Some of the weight lifted as he followed. Sometimes it felt good to be told what to do.


This is a good way to end the story.

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