Here we go! Let’s do this!
Minor Suggestion
“There were millions of these bugs, as well, but they were dying.”
“There were millions of these bugs but they were dying.
Minor Suggestion
“Someone had recently decided that the color was shameful, too sexual to be seen in public, growing from the cracks in the sidewalks. The men sprayed them with toxins. The women wore them in their hair.”
“Someone had recently decided that the color was shameful, too sexual to be seen in public as they grow from between the cracks in the sidewalks. As the men sprayed them with toxins women wore them in their hair.”
Minor Suggestion
“Of course, it wasn’t the last one; it probably never would be.”
“Or course, it wasn’t the first; neither would it be the last.”
“Or course, this was the first, but it wouldn’t be the last.”
Above it is stated that his happened recently. I’m not sure if in recent years or in that year, but the bottom two are my humble suggestions on what this first sentence should look like.
Confusing
“The last one in the city, maybe. The last one ever? No.”
This may be my mistake, but this sounds like a first-person –or second person. I thought the narrative was omniscient? And again, the confusion could be my own.
Minor Suggestion
“It was difficult to simulate the color, for all materials, crayons, markers, pencils, chalk, anything of that color was put in a pile and burnt long ago.”
“They found it difficult to mimic the color, for all materials, –crayons, markers, pencils, and chalk – anything with color was burned in a pile long ago.”
If this is the case, then what are they using?
Minor Suggestion
“The burning markers were poison, but so was everything, really.”
““The burning markers were poison!” If this is true, then, so were everything else.”
Again, what perspective is this?
Minor Suggestion
“They liked this day a lot.”
“Everyone found the day pleasing for relaxation.”
Minor Suggestion
“Those that didn’t were threatened until the Head of the Country realized that the violet didn’t grow there.”
“Some refused and others could nor, for the flowers did not grow there. The Head of the Country threatened them until all held the holiday.”
Why is it the Head of the Country? I’m curious; what is this country’s name.
Minor Suggestion
“No one went in the forests anymore, anyway, so no one knew”
“No one went into the forest anymore, so no one knew the expansions on the city were killing the flowers.”
Confusing
“People hating people had gotten old and been outlawed long ago.”
People hate people regardless. This reminds me of the ending to Code Geass; when Lelouch directed the world’s hatred toward himself and then had himself killed. Ideally, hatred died with him, but it’s never that simple. If it was, after Hitler died, the world would have been at peace.
Minor Suggestion
“Women and men…”
“Men and women…”
No real reason behind it. It just sounds better.
Minor Suggestion
“He hated them, too, but only because he was supposed to.”
“He hated them too, but only because it was common.”
Minor Suggestion
“There was a small, grey box in town. Bismarck lived inside.”
“Bismarck lived in a small, gray box in town.”
Minor Suggestion
“There were grey boxes with people inside there, too.”
I would omit this. Just my suggestion.
Minor Suggestion
“He liked the color, though, so he kept fixing it over and over.”
“He liked the color, though, it needed repeat maintenance.”
Minor Suggestion
“Sometimes he felt like the only thing left of the original car was the frame and the paint. He was very nearly right.”
“Sometimes he felt like the only thing left of the original car was the frame and the paint, and his assumption was not far off.”
Minor Suggestion
“Bismarck drove every day to his job.”
“Bismarck drove to his job every day.”
Minor Suggestion
“He never wanted his job because…”
“He never wanted the job because…”
Confusing
“His clothes, covered in hair, gave him red splotches as well.”
I am not understanding what I am reading. I have this problem a lot. It could just be me. Still…
Minor Suggestion
“They were affectionate, the nameless beasts.”
“The nameless beasts were affectionate.”
Minor Suggestion
“He had no family. He did have a hairless cat named Watterson.”
“He had no family aside from a hairless cat named Watterson.”
Do you watch the Amazing World of Gumball? I should take a reading break to watch TV. Nah, I’ll skip it.
Minor Suggestion
“The use of this grass was for children and animals to walk and play on and for adults to sit around and drink poison on.”
“The grass was used for children and animals to play around, and for adults to sit and drink their poison.”
I see how you likened children to animals. Not very nice, but it’s funny.
Minor Suggestion
“Bismarck didn’t use his grass for much of anything, but he kept it very clean anyway, to make it appear to outsiders that he did use it and liked to keep it nice in case someone happened by for a visit”
“Bismarck didn’t use the grass for much of anything; he kept it clean, however, for others to approve of it and for guest.”
Confusing
“no one was likely to happen by, so this was a lie.”
I’m not sure where you are from, but I am unfamiliar with someone saying ‘happen by’. In my eyes, it looks incorrect. Will you please enlighten me?
Minor Suggestion
“He arrived at work with splotches on his arms and legs, and when he went inside, they got worse.”
“He arrived at work with splotches on his arms and legs. When he went inside, it got worse.”
Minor Suggestion
“This was an invention to stop the spread of germs, and to speed the flow of foot traffic.”
“The sensing door was an improvement to regular doors for by using them they stopped the spread of germs and increased the flow of foot traffic.
Minor Suggestion
“The cabinets along the walls had once been used to store papers to keep them organized. Now they were kept around because people liked the ideas they invoked. No one used them to store anything, except sometimes alcohol. ”
“The cabinets along the walls had once been used to store. Now they are there because of the ideas they invoked. No one used except sometimes to store alcohol.”
Wait, if it’s Bismarck office and his cabinets, then who locked them? I doubt Bismarck did because he’s worried too much about what others think of him to do a thing like that. Never mind me. I think too much.
Minor Edit
“Bismarck hung his coat on its hook”
“Bismarck hung his coat on the hook.”
Pointless Babble
“The handle spread germs.”
Then I hope he washes his hands.
Minor Suggestion
“A man was inside the room, and a woman.”
“A man and woman were already inside the room.”
Minor Suggestion
“It was not like Watts, Bismarck’s cat, because it was a different species altogether”
You have already stated Bismarck has a cat named Watts. It’s okay if you’d eject ‘Bismarck’s cat’ this sentence.
Minor Edit
“There were tools for cutting and carving and slicing and snipping and even for stopping the heart.”
“…a heart”
‘The heart’ means it refers to a heart in specific while ‘A heart’ means heart in general. I found and read these great grammar tips from Grammarly. If you’d ever be interested in reading them, you can find them here http://www.grammarly.com/blog/2016/english-grammar...
Minor Suggestion
“It was breathing chemicals to make it sleep.”
“It was breathing chemicals to help it sleep.”
This is just a suggestion, but you should find a better word for it. ‘It’ is a word you use when it’s hard to describe something. If it’s gender specific, you could use him/her.
Minor Suggestion
“The animal’s owners arrived shortly after to take the animal away. They put it in a box and put the box in their car.”
“The animal’s owners arrived shortly after to take him away. They put him in a box and placed the box in the car.”
Minor Suggestion
“One was named Rutherford. The other was named Meredith.”
“One was named Rutherford and the other Meredith.”
Minor Suggestion
“The immune system is the body’s way of protecting from germs.”
Unless this is some sort of educational bit, I would suggest you remove lines like this.
Minor Suggestion
“Bismarck poked the bear with a needle, so that it would fall very much asleep.”
“Bismarck poked the bear with a needle to send it adrift.
Minor Suggestion
“Bismarck was startled by the sudden sound and motion in his environment.”
“Bismarck was startled by the sudden reaction of the bear.
Confusing
“The bear called Jumble didn’t understand the language that Mary and Ford spoke; it just liked the sound of it sometimes.”
What. That last part threw me off.
Confusing
“Bismarck ran off of a cliff, a sharp drop in the ground caused by a river working its way through the stones and bedrock. The river was gone now, and so was the bear. So was Bismarck.”
It may just be me again, but I find this confusing. Sorry.
Minor Edit
“He was excited, mostly, to be outside of the city in some place so mysterious as this.”
“He was excited, mostly, to be outside of the city in some place as mysterious as this.”
Minor Suggestion
“He scratched them, this time.”
“He scratched them.”
Minor Suggestion
“He didn’t count them; he simply grabbed a handful.”
This isn’t needed. You can get rid of it.
Minor Suggestion
“A wave of heat crashed over him and pushed the air out of his lungs. The violets were now dust and energy floating around him.”
I would explain this in a little more detail. What does the aircraft look like? What was the action of the aircraft eradicating the violets like?
Conclusion
One thing I found odd was the narrator. The narrator seemed to be in omniscient and yet does not describe things in more detail. For example, in the beginning, the narrator kept saying “when people figured that out” instead of just stating who has figured it out.
The story is good. I do suggest that you tighten up sentences to keep them shorter. Like delete words in a sentence that only drags it on, that doesn’t add any value. This is only my suggestion and I could be wrong.
Just a thought; if prostitutes are abundant, then I assume it is a popular career. You could add later on how are they treated and how they affect society. I would imagine STI’s were abundant too. I’m laughing now, but it’s not funny.
When a mayor burned the last violet flower from society, it seems kind of lame he used a lighter. I’m a little insane, but, why not have a fireworks display? Send the flower soaring in the air with other fireworks.
When you say Bismarck mom kept him for a few years I was confused. Did she abandon him as a baby? Did she die while he was two? Do you consider eighteen years a few years because we live long lives?
Why is Bismarck working a job he doesn’t want? How can he work their when working there is literally threatening his health? Shouldn’t he be fired for his own safety? This seems kind of odd. Although, it may not be something you want to explain in the first chapter. The world you’ve created is a lot to take in as it is.
I don’t know if it was intentional, but you used the world ‘germs’ a lot. From a quick search on Google, I found these synonyms you could use: microbe, microorganism, bacillus, bacterium, virus; informal bug.
“a small knife called a scalpel” I noticed you used this same line twice.
I noticed that the government is concerned about killing the evil Violets for some odd reason and the citizens are all terrified of germs. Individuals seem to be very similar to each other regarding character, housing, and cars. That got me thinking about the rampant prostitution again. My main thinking is how does this all ties in together. I’m sure in your genius mind the map is all laid out. I’m just struggling to see where theses dots connect.
I like how after a bloody surgery Bismarck went to get some food. I would be hungry too. I’m hungry now. I should go eat but I’ll finish reading this first.
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