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318 Public Reviews Given
318 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
In depth and honest. I try not to let my personal feelings about a genre or a story interfere with the review. Though if I feel a certain aspect of your writing would be improved with a change, I won't hesitate to make the suggestion.
Favorite Genres
I'm open to everything
Least Favorite Genres
Ditto
Favorite Item Types
Mostly everything
Least Favorite Item Types
Interactives. Mainly because it seems unfair to review an item that so many people of varying skill levels participate in.
I will not review...
Again, there are very few things I flat out refuse to review. Though I respect everyone's viewpoint, I will not read anything, there is a line, and you will know it if I feel you've crossed it.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by NateSean Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
You asked me to review only one or two chapters. But I don't think I can do that, because I've read two chapters and now I have to read more. Just the first two chapters alone (Which I reviewed seperately) have gotten beneath my skin and I know I won't be able to sleep tonight if I don't finish what you've written.

My one suggestion: It's a great idea to post the chapters as seperate items, giving your reader a chance to review the merits of each chapter progressively. But you risk spoiling certain plot elements the way you write some of your descriptions, and I wonder if a little ambiguity might not go a long way?

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
2
2
Review by NateSean Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
As a long time reader of various fictions, it's hard to see this chapter and not think, "Oh, my god. This girl is about to lose everything she loves." It's true of all great stories. The better the day starts off, the darker it will be when the sun goes down. And I see Natalie in this warm and comfortable scene, then I remember the conversations of the previous chapter and I think, this is going to take a dark turn.

I don't want you to think that's a criticsm, because it definitely isn't. If a story elicits any kind of feeling in your readers then it's a good day to me.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
3
3
Review by NateSean Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
So I've read the first chapter and I have to say, you've hooked me. There's a balance of action and development here that makes it just interesting enough to keep me reading, but doesn't throw so much information at me as to make me fall asleep at the keyboard.

The images, which I assume are yours as well, really help to flesh out this universe and even though I have my own ideas about what the characters look like, I think it helps that you're obviously so passionate about making this real for your readers.

Genre bending works always stand the test of time. This feels like a blend of magic and fantasy, but things like the shopping trip and Natalie's day dreaming, make it relatable and human.

One thing I would suggest you keep an eye on is the use of "I". This can be a challenge in first person narratives and you do manage to find a balance throughout the story. However there is also one paragraph 13th down from the top that has more "I"'s than an farmer's market in Idaho. For me, that's more of a personal thing than an actual rule, so take it with a grain of salt.

Over all this is promising to be an enjoyable read just by the first chapter alone.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
4
4
Review of My name  Open in new Window.
Review by NateSean Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Interesting. This vaguely reminds me of the movie All About Steve, when Sandra Bullock's charater releases that crossword full of various words that described her one night stand with a guy named Steve.

The story is amazing though and it's proof that every life is significant. I think you could do the story better justice by making it a seperate item altogether.

The crossword could be a bit more entertaining though. Maybe include famous Jessicas in history, film and literature.

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#1778856 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
5
5
Review of Agent Ice  Open in new Window.
Review by NateSean Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
I don't typically like to participate in any kind of collaborative effort when there is such a wild difference in writing ability. Although I am far from perfect, this could use a lot of cleaning up and editing before I would be willing to add my own input to the story.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
6
6
Review by NateSean Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
This feels less like an article and more like an essay. Articles inform, but generally allow you to come to your own conclusions. Reading this makes me feel as though I'm being preached to or spoken at. There's nothing wrong with writing something this way, but it changes the nature of your position when you present something a certain way.
7
7
Review by NateSean Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Some of these items are likely to get you racked, but I certainly can't criticize what other people find attractive about the opposite sex. Maybe you've found that "obedient", "not too talkative" woman who will follow "your leadership". Some of these items repeat themselves quite a bit.

Meets her families needs

Families implies more than one family.

"Family's" with an apostraphe is the posessive word.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
8
8
Review of I Seek You  Open in new Window.
Review by NateSean Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow. When I saw the reference to ICQ, I thought this might have been made several years ago. But I guess ICQ hasn't really gone anywhere in all that time.

You've already won some kind of reward for this, and the other reviewers have all given you five stars, so I don't know what kind of critique you're looking for, if any.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
9
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Review by NateSean Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
You've really captured the feel of the trilogy. And I think even if I hadn't read the books, this poem would have been sufficient as a summary for all three of them.

The stanzas flow smoothly and I never felt like anything was forced. It's too bad TVtropes doesn't accept poetry recommendations, or this would be on the list.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
10
10
Review by NateSean Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you for showing support to Boston in what has truly been a very dark week for all.

I'm a citizen of Salem, and it was a real life changing experience to be so close to the event and yet feel so far for as little as I was able to help with the situation.
11
11
Review of Sands  Open in new Window.
Review by NateSean Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
What I like most about this story, so far, is that you really do a great job of drawing me into this person's mind.

As you describe Alcar's thought process, I'm actually feeling the desert heat and the scorching sand on my body. I can relate to her loss of memory because I've been in a situation of having to walk long distances in blistering heat, so I know the way my own brain seems to shut down as if trying to save energy.

I'm not one hundred percent familiar with campfire creatives and their idiosyncracies. So suggestions I may make about formatting the story in a more readable fashion, (IE indentations where paragraphs begin) might be irrelevant.

There are a few things I would suggest, however.

madding

The word you want is "maddening".

Also, at times you alternate between having a sentence go too long and then cutting a sentence off too soon. A good thing to practice is trying to say more with less and finding the balance.

Here's an example.

Oh the heat was killer but it was being made even worse with the sand, what the sun wasn't scorching or burning out of her the vast ocean of sand felt as if it were pulling the thoughts forcefully from her, the ones the sands tugged and pulled were the thoughts and memories she was sure she'd managed to hide in her mind from the heat.

Suggestion:

Oh, the heat was a killer. The sand was more than making up for whatever the sun was unable to burn or scorch. It was like a sieve had formed in her brain, forcing all of those crucial thoughts and memories out of her so there was plenty of room for the pain and discomfort she felt.

Good luck.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
12
12
Review by NateSean Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I've always been happiest when someone gives me a thorough review of any of my work. Alas, all I can afford to spare right now is this paltry amount as a show of support and maybe karma will reward me accordingly.

Thanks again and good luck to all.
13
13
Review of PET PICS  Open in new Window.
Review by NateSean Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Pets are no different from any other animal. They're really hard to photograph because animals just don't always do what we want them to. Of course pets are slightly more predictable and in the case of your pets, they're obviously very important to you and I don't mean to undervalue your feelings towards them.

I guess from an artistic stand point, there's just nothing new about these pictures. Pictures of people's cats and dogs have been online since the Internet began. That's my opinion. Take it with a grain of salt.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
14
14
Review by NateSean Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
It can be very hard to rate and review poetry that is based on such real emotions. Because I want you to understand that I am not in anyway under valuing your feelings and the experiences you've been through. This is a poem that a lot of children, unfortunately, can relate to.

I too have been the verbal (and physical) punching bag of my own mother.

As a poem, this could definitely use some re-tooling. The final line for example:

and well that's her worst nightmare

It feels more like the end of a long blog, as opposed to a series of words and lines arranged in an artistic format. But I think as you grow older, and once you get further away from those negative feelings that surround you, you're going to find ways of expressing those feelings and experiences that not only resonate with people who share them, but also think "Wow. She's really come out of this on the strong end."

Good luck, and I hope to see you continuing to fight.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
15
15
Review by NateSean Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
A shrinking interactive that takes place in a boy's bathroom could go pear shaped pretty quickly. I hope you're keeping a sharp eye on the entries, because even though youo've given everyone carte blanche to do whatever they like, you may find that some of those entires are going to paint you in a negative light.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
16
16
Review of EXTRATERRISTRIALS  Open in new Window.
Review by NateSean Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (2.0)
There is a ton of information here that would be better suited to several shorter articles, as opposed to one massive static item. You should also really clean up the grammar and the formatting to make this easier on the eyes.

As to what's presented, there's nothing new here. There's nothing in any of this that hasn't already been written.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
17
17
Review of The Coin  Open in new Window.
Review by NateSean Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
It's a well written story. Your bookending the very obvious activities of the two young children and Grandpa's query about the "rabbits" digging up the soil was subtle and well handled. But I felt no real sense of closure over the coin.

You depicted the children's "plans" realistically, so that I believe that you either work closely with children or, like me, you've had similar wild fantasies over what you could do with such a small amount of change. (I once planned to build a robot dinosaur. Don't ask.)

But when we discover the coin is just an "old coin" worth nothing, it just abruptly ends. I know you probably had a word limit, and I don't know what other rules are involved in the contest. But even a short story has to have some kind of resolution. Even the most cryptic endings leave the reader feeling like they've just experienced a novel's worth of story in a few pages.

Good luck with the contest.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


18
18
Review of 10/13  Open in new Window.
Review by NateSean Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I know the Basic profile doesn't give you a lot to work with. But you do have the ability to make ten static items, which is why I suggest you separate this to make it easier for people to read and critique. That said, I am going to just jump right into the story.

I will point out any major Grammar Glitches that jump out at me. But you will have to do your own proofreading and editing to get the minor ones that I have not taken the time to point out.

Chapter One

This chapter falls into the category of info dumping. It's when you spend a lot of time telling us all of the information about the characters, their background, their lives, etc in one big paragraph. If you want to bore your readers as quickly as possible and keep them from reading the next chapter, this is a great way to do it.

It really helps to read the work of other successful authors and look at how they do things. Michael Crichton immediately comes to mind, because I have never read a book of his that started off boring. (Unless, of course, you read the forwards which explain the science and the concept the story is based around, but I never do) And you know Michael Crichton is good at what he does, because he's been dead four years and he's still publishing.

Look at how Jurassic Park opens. It doesn't begin “The theme park with genetically engineered dinosaurs was under attack by several groups of legal experts because of worker deaths and complaints of the Costa Rican Government. So they called Alan Grant to give an expert testimony. He studied paleontology and was known the world over for his revolutionary theories on velociraptors and-blah, blah.”

No. That book begins with a guy getting rushed to a clinic. The doctors are baffled by the nature of the nasty injury, and it's only because the guy keeps muttering “raptor” that they're not convinced when the people who brought him in tells them it was a standard industrial accident. In that few pages at the beginning of that one book, that went on to spawn a major film franchise, toy line, and comic book series, the reader. Is. Hooked.

Even mainstream fiction, that takes place in the real world, like the works of James Patterson, Jodi Piccoult, and other authors, if you don't grab the reader's attention you don't have a reader. Plain and simple.

So look over this chapter and become familiar with a concept known as “showing” not “telling”. Show JD waking up one morning after a particularly wild weekend. After he is dressed and ready for work, describe the state of the house as he finds his roommate Jay making breakfast, and we see Mark looking for some aspirin to tackle the hangover.

What happens in that few hours in the morning before work can be very interesting to read about, and seeing a newspaper article or hearing something on the radio could be a clue as to what's going to happen later.

You should break the paragraphs up. A paragraph needs to cover one subject. When a new subject is introduced you begin a new one.

One thing that jumped out at me in this first chapter,

We always joked with him that he was the token black guy of the house but he was actually half German as well.

Your skin color has nothing to do with your nationality.

Grammar Glitches:

When jay had gotten the house,

You forgot to capitalize Jay.

Chapter Two

More info dumping. In fact, there's nothing even new to learn in this chapter because you're still talking about the same characters. The only difference is that now they have girlfriends and you're telling us about those characters as well.

You've told us the Mark can't hold onto a girl. You've told us that Alison and Katie don't like Mark's new girl because she is fake. You're telling us that a three-day birthday party is underway, when you've all ready told us in the first chapter that there isn't a heck of a lot of difference between this seventy-two hours and the other party weekends.

Oh, and then you sandwiched in explanation of Day One of the party, which you must believe is sufficient “action” to advance the plot. But once again, with all of this telling and none of this showing, you've basically just given your reader another wall of expository text.

Grammar Glitches:


Katie and I had been together for about a year, we met through a mutual friend at a party.

Pretty much every other sentence in the story is like this. You connect two completely different sentences together with a comma.

Katie and I had been together for about a year. End of first sentence. New sentence. We met through a mutual friend at a party.

An appropriate sentence to use a comma for would be something like this one:

Allison was very pretty, but in a down to earth sort of way.

First subject: Alison was pretty. Next subject: How she was pretty. Both subjects are about Alison and belong in the same sentence. Whereas the first example talks about how long JD and Kate have been together, followed by the completely different subject of where they met.

A less forced way to write that sentence might be:

Katie and I met about a year ago, at the birthday party of a mutual friend.




Chapter Three


Around 5:30 my sister Sarah arrived, she was two years younger than I was and she still lived with our parents.

The rest of the guests started trickling in around 6:30.

This “book” is starting to feel more like the minutes of a rotary club meeting. You've promised me a story about the end of the world and after three chapters, you're still on the subject of the birthday party, and describing all of the characters.

Then you told us how much of a success the party was, without showing us.

Have you ever had a friend, or someone you know, describe a movie you hadn't seen yet? A lot of times in my life, someone would do a terrible job of describing what happened in that movie, and based of their opinion, I might decide to see or not to see it. In some cases they were dead on, but most of the time, I felt really cheated when I finally saw the movie and found that it was nothing like what I was told it would be. That is what this book is shaping up to be. Chapter after chapter of you telling me that interesting things are happening, or going to happen, but not delivering on them.

She was 5’9” and had red hair like I did but it looked much better on her and she kept hers fairly long. You can put two and two together I’m sure. Needless to say I got into my share of fights throughout high school, not that she needed me too because she was definitely tougher than she looked.

This paragraph is confusing. Are you trying to imply that being red heads, you got into a lot of fights? Because “You can put two and two together” doesn't make sense as it stands.

Suggested: With a head of hair as red as mine, but shoulder length, most people would write my sister off as being the pretty one; until she loomed over them at nearly six feet tall, practically daring them to make a snide or lewd remark with her cake-eating grin.

Now this is still more “telling” than “showing”, but I've still managed to convey the same points you were trying to make with fewer words. That you both have red hair. She manages her looks and body well, but has a tough streak that she only reveals when someone steps over the line or underestimates her.

Grammar Glitches:

The Eagles and the Giants are proper nouns because they refer to the names of football teams. These are capitalized.

SpongeBob Squarepants is also the title of a show, as well as the name of a character, and that too is treated as a proper noun.




Chapter Four

Finally, something resembling character development takes place. The shower scene would be perfect if it hadn't come after three and a half pages of nothing info dumping and exposition. This line here is perfect.

I ran through it in my head one more time and decided for the thousandth time that I was ready, now I just had to hope she said yes.

I'd still probably rewrite it. But it's a great line that shows depth and feeling as opposed to your character saying something like, “I'm a great guy really, and Katie will be perfect for me.”

That line might even have more emotional impact if you included this scene sometime in the first chapter, as opposed to three chapters in when I'm very much bored to tears with hearing about every new character that walks into the house, as well as JD's birthday party. And what make it even weaker is that you follow it up with even more info dumping about how JD met Katie after breaking up with someone else, etc. etc.

Info dumping is not the same thing as storytelling. Storytelling is when a friend describes his vacation to you, and does it so well that you have to check your passport to be sure you weren't there with him the whole time. Info dumping is when a little old lady rambles on for about an hour whether you are physically in the room or not.

This is especially annoying when you consider that now, you've just teased your reader with a possible steamy shower scene, only to take it away from them and give them even more exposition.

We walked out of the bathroom about forty five minutes later and got dressed.

You don't have to be so specific with time frames. Your reader is not standing by with a stopwatch. Unless the amount of time spent in the bathroom is significant to the story then it's okay to skip it.

Now, describing everyone's reaction to the freak snow storm is showing a bit of growth on your part. This is involving the reader instead of merely telling us that a snow storm occurred. There's one more thing I want to say about this chapter.

“I have to get home today” said lisa looking towards mark “you have to drive me home now before it gets worse”

Waaaaaay back at the beginning of the story, you described Kate and Allison's feelings towards Lisa. That she was fake and whiny. The difference between that and this line is that is “showing” us Lisa's whiny and somewhat ditzy personality.

You've all ready stated that cars are half buried in snow. Since we just had a major blizzard in my area, I can easily visualize four feet of snow and cars that you would need an archeology grant from a major university to recover. So knowing that Lisa has all ready seen this herself and still has to say, “I need to go home before it gets worse” shows me, the reader, how much of an idiot she is.

Do you see how that is more effective than simply telling me what the characters think of her? What would be even more effective is describing the reactions of the other characters to her statement.


Grammar Glitches:

Dialogue should always begin on a new paragraph.

It wasn’t, when I pulled back the curtain I saw Katie standing in front of the shower wearing nothing but a bow, on the top of her head.

New Paragraph

“Happy birthday” she said giving me that evil little smile of hers.


This is especially true when you have more than one character speaking.

Chapter Five

This chapter is really where you should have started the story. There's a lot more going on, the tension has picked up, and you've introduced the “Big Bad”. There's booze, guns, people trapped in a house with no way out. This has all the makings of a great thriller. And if you cleaned it up a bit, the dialogue exchange between the characters would actually be useful in building up the tension.

After taking some time to find some decently warm clothing and the snow shovels, mark, jay Kenny and I, we only had four shovels so Justin decided to stay in with the girls, were outside starting towards my truck.

Suggested Change: We only had four shovels. Justin “volunteered” to stay behind and keep the girls company while Mark, Jay, Kenny, and I found some warm clothes.


Mrs. Martin was a lady in her fifties who lived at the end of the street and had taught both jay and I in high school.

Suggested Change: Mrs. Martin was our high school math teacher. Now in her late fifties, she lived alone in the house down the road.

Chapter Six

“If they try then we shoot them, but that’s not what killed Mrs. Martin, and I’d really not make noise and attract whatever that was by killing these things.”

This is actually very intelligent reasoning. It's also another example of good character development that shows us Jay's cool head in a crisis.

I was down the stairs, into the living room and had fired my gun three times before I had even had a chance to register what was happening.

And this was very stupid reasoning. But that's okay, because again, this shows how the tension of the situation is starting to effect people's judgment. JD is human, and people with guns tend to make mistakes that could turn deadly when they're not thinking properly, which you established by making him think of Katie.

So at this point there really isn't much more to say without me repeating myself. As I stated, this story could really use a lot of cleaning up and rewriting. My biggest criticism is to either condense or completely scrap the first three chapters altogether and begin, either with the birthday party itself or the day after wards when the Big Bad starts happening..

It does have it's strengths, which is why I think you should keep working on it. But my honest opinion is that you should work on rewriting this portion before you go onto anything else.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
19
19
Review of Temperament Test  Open in new Window.
Review by NateSean Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I approached this quiz with an open mind. After all, the concept of the tempraments, or the "humors" has been a part of human culture for some time. But this comment in your descriptive text caught me off guard.

It is very, very unlikely that there is a blend of all four temperaments in one person.

I find it an ironic statement when you consider that most of these questions require a single choice that effects the outcome of your results. The irony is that people are not machines and won't always react to the same situations int he same ways. Take your choices for "anger" for example.

Someone disregards something you are passionate about
Someone checks your integrity or second guesses you
Someone said or did something to you that you think was meant to hurt you
Not too much of anything. It doesn't matter anyway.


Certainly there have been times where the first choice have been applicable. But the same can be said of the second, the third, and more often than not, the first. Presumably all four answers represent a tip in the scale towards one or more of the tempraments, but then how can you say that all four are unlikely to exist in one person at the same time when everyone has the capacity to change over time?

Over all this is just a criticism of the approach you've taken towards this test. The test itself as well as the writing are well done.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
20
20
Review of Gargoyles cartoon  Open in new Window.
Review by NateSean Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Yeah, I know my Gargoyles. I was about ten when they came out, but like you, I appreciated the story arcs and characters that had more depth than their two dimensions would allow.

A few thougths: You sort of give away the answer to the question about the Wierd Sisters in your description of all of the characters. Also, I don't know how they were officially spelled in the credits, but as the "Weird sisters" were characters from Macbeth, the spelling is traditionally "Wyrd".

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
21
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Review of Counting Crows  Open in new Window.
Review by NateSean Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (2.5)
As it's been almost thirteen years since you've posted this, I don't know if you still want a review of it.

The thing is, I also love the Counting Crows, and I thought this would be a great piece to read. But it could certainly do with a re-write, as well as some changes in formatting to be a fitting tribute to a band you so love.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
22
22
Review by NateSean Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a lot like that movie, All About Steve, where Sandra Bullock's character published an entire crossword puzzle about the guy she had a date with.

Of course, taking that same concept and making it a word search on top of a birthday present sounds a lot less silly. ;)

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
23
23
Review by NateSean Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
I do the best I can to give indepth reviews. But sometimes the best I can do is to simply tell a writer how I felt about the story with the knowledge that it will show up in public reviews, and maybe get other people to chip in their own two cents.

Sometimes the most frustrating aspect of reviewing to me, is not getting the same level of attention I try to give others.

Anyway, great essay and very good points.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
24
24
Review by NateSean Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (2.0)
It's a good enough start, but it could use a massive rewrite.

For example, lets just look at one of the opening sentences: Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were reading newspapers. Sherlock Holmes was a detective in London, and he liked doing some experiment

Once you've introduced us to Holmes, you don't need to repeatedly use his full name. You could stick to referring to him by either his given or family name, and only change that if someone is speaking to him directly.

Also, you tell us that Holmes likes "doing some experiment", but he's clearly reading a newspaper. And no where in the story does he actually perform any experiments, you just tell us that he does. It would be better if you were to "show" Holmes testing a new poison, or trying to identify finger prints from a post card written in 1856 to see if he can capture a criminal from an old case.

As I've said, this requires a massive rewrite and a lot of time to go back over it. If you're interested, I'm willing to offer more assistance.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
25
25
Review by NateSean Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
This feels like a strangely appropriate description of Holmes. He walks a very lonely road, and though there were people in his life with whom he shared a deep connection, love was not a word he very generously applied. And here, if you were to imagine that Holmes is the one sharing his feelings here, he doesn't dismiss it but he readily acknowledges that it did happen once in his life.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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