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Review by Threil Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I liked it, the characters stood out, the dialogue was short and precise and poignant. Nothing extraneous there.

If I can make a couple of quick observations:

You've got extra spaces in certain places, like after each opening quote.

Try to avoid using dialogue tags other than "said", they are almost always unnecessary, as they repeat information already conveyed in the dialogue itself.

For example:

> " Where ya headed? I can give you a ride." I offered.

When he says "I can give you a ride." it is already apparent that he is offering. A simple "I said" would be enough.

You can remove "I replied" later on completely, I think it would improve the flow.

When dialogue is follow by a "he said", then the last punctuation mark of the dialogue should be a comma, so:

> "Where ya headed? I can give you a ride," I said.

The other thing I'd like to point out, which brought me a little out of the story, was this sentence:

> Suddenly, James abruptly interrupted a fascinating war story and pointed.

Suddenly, abruptly, and interrupted all convey the same thing. I'm also uncertain of what this war story is. Wasn't mentioned earlier on.

Otherwise, like I said I enjoyed the story. I liked the ending too! Good work.
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