Hi,
Just wanted to start by saying how much I enjoyed your story, I love natural history, so this topic was right up my street with a little proof reading and tweaking it would be a pleasant read. There is some thing that stood out to me:
'The shadows reached and stretched accross the sand as the moon slowly joined the line of high hills surrounding the arc of pristine beach, its gentle slope seemingly flat and empty of life.'-this sentence is far to long, try condensing it it will make it easier to digest and not deter potential readers.
'As the trees slowly retracted their shadows, and a new light grew bright far out to sea, the sand began to shift!'-This sentence, I really like this sentence.
'And almost in unison, they faced the noise they had listened to as they prepared to break out of their shells deep in the sand only a few moments ago, and with purpose, and a little urgency, they began to do the only thing they knew what to do......RUN!'- Think about rewording this also, what noise they had listened to earlier? Were they listening to the waves because this is not explained to the reader beforehand.
'The alien surroundings he found himself in couldn't have been more different than the cocoon of soft warmness he had just come from.'- again great sentence, perhaps warmth instead of warmness is better when read. Read it out loud and give it ago.
'...sisters and brothers, all rushing to that sound.'-again what sound?Try not to expect your reader to immediately understand that it is the sea.
There is a lot of examples like this but I see great potential in this piece. Be careful about your tenses. Try reading the piece out loud, it will give you an idea of how it will be taken in by your reader. I see you have a talent for description and imagery, so well done and keep going!
Hi first of all well done for your story idea, it very original and I like it and would certainly like to see more of Em as I think she seems a great character-perhaps for a children's story as she seems impish and playful.Unfortunately however, I found you prose (writers vigour perhaps, I understand the rush of excitement when an idea is logged in the brain and desperate to get out!) a liitle rushed and confusing, it occurred many times and I lost my way quite a bit.
Some of your text is rather over-complicated and loses the reader an example of this is, 'The console itself was covered in an array of switches and dials and placed in front of this was a very comfortable looking leather chair.'- try rewording it eg: "The console was placed before a comfortable, leather chair and it glittered with an array of dials and switches.'
'the fact that she was also a mage had come in rather handy several times since her adventure in becoming a vampire, but it always made such a mess! The fact that she had studied hard to become a Frost Master was at times not very apparent when she made use of her abilities.'-the character needs explaining, all this information with no explanation on who, what or why em is the way she is...what powers does she have?
Also, and this is only an opinion but I feel there is no need to use the word 'emerald' twice in this sentence, I feel it almost over descriptive. 'Green' to me, would suffice. You don't have to go with this as of course its a view not a correction.
Jewel bright emerald eyes sparkled with intense curiosity as Emerald Starr
Also you need to explain terms like 'Frost Master' don't presume your readers will automatically understand.
Try reading out-loud it always helps and you get a sense of how your text will sound to your reader-it also helps with proof reading, grammar and word repetition.
With a bit of development however, this will make a unique story and hopefully my opinion has helped you somewhat? Well done, keep going, I see potential talent and an interesting imagination.
Really, really enjoyed reading this, compelling, imaginative and gory. You have a great talent for description and imagery. Could not see any grammatical faults, although I am still learning the ropes correctly myself. The only sentence that I found difficult to digest was:
'The floorboard was for the enjoyment for the presence, a tool for tormenting it's captive.' I don't know why?Perhaps it needs rewording? 'Of the presence' maybe?
Love however the way you invoke image, these particularly stood out:
'It was Jenny, she let out the scream when Josh started removing her organs.'- A simple sentence that speaks volumes to the reader.
'coughed more of his scarlet fluids at the wall above the tub'-great description and there are countless more of this such as:
'adding to the pile of vomit at his feet. A familiar taste lapped at his taste buds, blood.'
And I could go on...
Very well done, you've certainly gained a fan. Keep up the good work.
Good effort,
Although I feel you could go even darker with this story as your protagonist is after all a murder, this gives you a lot of scope as the reader already excepts he/she is a wicked character. I was a little confused on why they had never seen light, I presume that he was already in prison but why and what for? This is not made very clear to the reader. However with a bit of tweaking, character development and proof reading this piece certainly has potential. Well done!
Wow! Pardon the pun but I'm blown away by this piece of work. I love it...brave and gritty subject matter, fantastic writing. I have to say your a great talent and to me this story is perfect. It makes the reader feel awkward, repulsed and extremely invasive. I'm going to look for more of your work because it was pleasure to read. Very well done!
I really like your imagination and your style and topics (although not as dark) reminds me of one of my favorite authors Chuck Palahnuick. I find what you write entertaining and amusing. I have spotted one minor mistake in this piece but I'm sure it's only due to proof reading before hand not incompetence. 'Form' in stead of 'From' out of town. And you don't have to go with this as its just an opinion but the word 'snout' is a word I wouldn't associate with cats more pigs and elephants, perhaps 'muzzle' or 'maw' but my preference of course. Still enjoyed it though.
Visually fantastic and so very funny. I'm actually smirking to myself as I write this...pondering the best window I have at my work, so that I can perhaps ninja role escape. I loved it and can't find fault but I'm still learning the ropes of correct literacy myself. I think its great that you made this unusual short story topic so interesting! Keep going I want to check out more of your stuff :)
Loved it! Honest, frank and amusing in the best possible way. Please continue this blog as I can totally relate and I wish the the utmost success! If it makes you feel better, I'm 27 was a high achiever at school and life threw me some crap and I never fulfilled my potential. I hate my job and have no willpower, I have also probably damaged more braincells (continue still) than I'd like to imagine. You at least have one reviewing to keep doing this for so far. Good Luck! Oh yeah, loving the Wu Tang ref also :)
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