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Review by A. C. Forrester Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I did enjoy your story, Cassandra. It is amusing to see the perspective of your character shift throughout the story. The pain in her voice is palpable and for that reason, it is a very moving narrative. A couple of points: first, your grammar and spelling aren't perfect. That's okay for a rough draft, but if you're going to be seeking critical review of your work, you need to make sure that the fundamentals are sound. Second, your tense jumps around. That's okay, it it's your goal to show different mindsets (i.e. what is happening now vs what happened in the past and the story you're relating.)

Try to avoid sentences like "The day was cold and misty. The clouds were a dark grey and there was no glimmer of sun at all. The trees and flora looked dull against the dark colors that surrounded them." If you're trying to express the feeling of the day, why not say something like "A cold mist hung in the air that day. The dark grey clouds obscured the sun and not even a glimmer of light penetrated down to the trees." If you avoid things like "The day was," "The clouds were," etc., you can imbue a more active role in the storytelling and make the reader feel like he is there.

I like some of the stream of concious flow that you have. It reminds me of Chekhov.

Overall, I enjoyed the story. If you work on some of the stylistic things and clean up the grammar and spelling, you've got a winner here.

I hope this has been helpful.

A.C. Forrester
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