What a clever little tale - I see it's written for the 100-word contest, but it sure would make an amazing 1st chapter! This is wonderfully written. The opening sentence is specTacular. (By the time the mask exploded, I had to swallow hard, myself.)
As you can tell, I am beyond impressed. I have no suggestions for improvement (other than you might want to tuck your punctuation inside of the quotation marks).
I am heading to your portfolio now. Just Must See what else you're doing. thanks for sharing this.
best regards and Truly hope you have a Writing KindOfDay. -- tinker
I enjoyed this story! Am glad the mystery of the hunk who checked out romance novels wasn't solved. You did a great job of building and maintaining suspense. I think your vocabulary was very good, and you have a nice skill with dialogue. You had me rooting for Both of them. I envisioned a young Arnold Schwarzenegger! haha... I like the way you contrasted the girlfriend's view of Kylee, vs., Kylee's view of herself. That's what really let me picture her.
To me, this would be a story of interest to a teenager, and so I would suggest perhaps changing kylee's age to 21, or thereabouts. Unless, of course, Kylee is going to become a hot and steamy seductress in the forthcoming chapters - then 33 is the better pick.
Please understand that I am not trained in creative writing, editing, or proofing. These are only suggestions that you may decide to ignore. I do hope, however, they bring you some measure of inspiration.
Hi spidey & nicole - It's not exactly clear to me, but I take it this is a group for those who suffer from panic attacks? (Is this a common malady among writers?) I know I have what I, at least, define as panic attacks. I do not feel that I suffer with anxiety, though. Will check it out - I welcome all the help I can get.
Writer in the Shadow! I had the exact same experience as you about a week ago. You, however, have done a much better job in explaining just how I felt/feel than I did myself. I thank you for that.
I really like your story. Your style of writing takes into account your readers' intelligence. You lay out the traits of your characters and their situations without analyzing them for the reader. I love that.
the characters are distinct: I especially love how the mother is portrayed. You allow your reader to detect her personality disorder through your wonderful character interactions without force-feeding us a conclusion or judgement. Lightly referencing the inevitable dysfunction it creates in the family home adds believability.
Certain tweakings, word changes, and eliminations could add to the tightness of your story. I would be happy to send some suggestions via an email, if you would like. Just let me know.
Please know that I am not a professional in any way. I am an amateur writer, at best. I hope you continue to work with this story and to alert me if you do. I would enjoy seeing how it evolves.
regards, and have a Writing kindOfDay, tinker / roberta
p.s. I am including a modest number of gift points in effort to pay forward the many kindnesses shown me on my first day here.
What I liked: the title of your piece caught my eye. I enjoyed the honesty of your writing - twenty detentions says a lot about your determination!
suggestions: I would like to see your story expanded. The Afro has great meaning for people who may be the age of your grandparents. Get them to share, and then include your impressions in your story. I could mention the various typos in your work, but my instincts tell me you may have been typing on a smart-phone.
Thanks for the memories, blake, (I am old enough to remember when Afro's first came into style. haha), and do keep writing.
oh What a Story. And what a StoryTeller. This is fabulously presented. Indepth, sensitive, insightful. Letting the reader know the most intimate details of each character in brief, almost whispered, language. The plot of the story being the characters themselves makes the tale at once simple and complex. You have done an amazing job with this. Your writing reminds me of Kafka.
The manner in which winman explores his father's personal effects is so sweetly personal, highlighting the contrast between father and son; one diary filled with dreamed of adventure, the other with with less than that.
Well done! You have quite the gift. And it carried me away.
I really like the way you open the story with, "Beep Beep Beep," and then go on to describe Paul's experience at the checkout.
There were several phrasings that I enjoyed - "angled across the parking lot," for one. I may 'steal' that. You did a great job describing the individuals in your story, giving each character a unique voice - not an easy thing to do. . I can picture them. You also established relationships very well, and I like the repartee between Johnny and Paul, especially.
I felt I was reading a diary, rather than a story with a plot. And I don't mean that in a bad way. I enjoy diaries - they reveal much about their authors.
Some of the bulkier sentences could be honed a bit. Example: "The groceries passed by the barcode scanner, forming a monotonous beat that was further enhanced by the popping of the cashier's gum." I really like the imagery of that. It could be simplified a bit to read: The groceries passed by the barcode scanner, a monotonous beat enhanced by the popping of the cashier's gum."
You see what I mean? Little reductions to allow the reader to fall into a rhythm.
I also suggest you review your piece for punctuation - question marks, comma's, etc... You should also run a check, or a "find" search and notice how many sentences begin with the word, "As." And, finally, although your spelling is good throughout, a spell check would catch the several words that are missing letters - an easy fix.
Please know that I am just a reader, and no more than an amateur writer, at best. I hope that, whether or not you choose to implement my suggestions, you find inspiration in them and my review.
Best of luck to you and keep on Writing. It's clear you put much work into this piece. I enjoyed getting to know Paul. Thanks for sharing.
What I liked:
You might be surprised, but this poem actually gave me an eerie feeling. My inner eye sees it being used as a Prologue to a novel about a Stalker. I bet that's not the image you were thinking of when you penned this; however, it is the one that came into my mind. Each stanza revealed the progression of the stalker's obsession - ending with the apex of his/her fantasy - being wanted in return, someday. I could 'see' his/her proverbial secret room plastered with photos of Their Love.
Keep writing! If this simple poem can create that kind of imagery in my mind, then you've got a good thing going.
Have a writingKindOfDay! roberta
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