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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tinman
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48 Public Reviews Given
60 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by tinman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I love the couplet rhyme style you've written in and the rhymes suit the piece well.
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Review by tinman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Having spent some time, in my youth, performing on stage, I connect with this piece of fantasy. I know the frustrations that happen during rehearsals and even during performances. There isn't an actor in the world, I'm sure, who hasn't wished to make this dream a reality.

I think the piece could end with John killing the director when he calls cut in the middle of John's dialog. That's every actor's ultimate daydream.
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Review by tinman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
This exercise is virgin territory for me. Taking into consideration that I got two ridiculous, and therefore precious, images out of this exercise, I will rate this at 3.5.

Other than this, I am not sure what I should be examining. It is a moderately fun exercise and the result moderately interesting.
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Review of I Miss  Open in new Window.
Review by tinman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a wonderfully nostalgic piece. It brings to my heart my sweet memories of my own grandmother who was as Irish as Dublin and yet as universal as yours.

My only suggestion is that perhaps some of the longer line counts could be edited for unnecessary adverbs, e.g., especially and playfully. Generally, less is more.
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Review by tinman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
While you and I seem to mesh politically, I find myself wondering it perhaps this piece is not just a little heavy-handed. It reads too much like a political tract.

I do like your rhymes, however I do have a question about the use of symbols such as $ signs. It limits the poem to the page. My opinion is that poetry should be capable of being read aloud as well as read.
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Review of COMING OUT  Open in new Window.
Review by tinman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
Overall impression: This reads more like a good preliminary story outline than a story. The idea is fine, and it is a story that needs telling, but it needs developing, it needs characterizations, it needs visuals.

Perhaps telling the story from the point of view of one of the principals would help.
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Review by tinman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I liked your strong first sentence. It definitely made me want to read more.

I like, also, the way you use personal revelation as a sort of counterpoint in certain paragraphs. They are always relevant to the information that came before, and the technique is not overused.

I don’t agree with the theological portrait you paint of Adam/Eden (for a different slant I refer you to My Credo- ID #1016537), but your argument is beautifully written. All through your piece, you own a great facility of painting a picture with your words.

Regarding your story of the deaf mute boy, you make the following statement. “Pain shot into his side with a piercing agony as he shot through the water like a needle.” How do you know this? This is an assumption and should be so labeled.

“This verse almost weighs down on your shoulders as you read it. Like that statue with a man holding the world on his back in a squatted position!”

This is an awkward passage and I think it needs to be re-written. That statue of a man holding the world on his shoulders is not just any man, but Atlas. Specificity is always clearer than generalization.

In addition, the comparison is oddly written. Are you comparing the weight of the statue on your shoulders with the weight of the verse, or do you mean to compare the burden of the verse on your shoulders with the burden of the world on Atlas’ shoulders?

Other than these small knit-picks (plus ending your sentences with a preposition, here and there), I find this an excellent piece. It is well constructed and it keeps the reader’s interest. Thank you for sharing it, here.
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Review of Someday  Open in new Window.
Review by tinman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I like that you tried rhyme and with the exception of the fifth couplet, your rhymes should work in your finished piece.

For me, poetry is less than more- a crisp image will say more that a dozen words. Pare, pare, pare. You don’t have to say everything, just enough.

You need, too, to work on the rhythm.

I think this is worth further work. Good luck.
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Review of Baby..I'm Gone..  Open in new Window.
Review by tinman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
This is an important subject, and it is obviously heart felt, but unfortunately, it’s not really a poem. It has no discipline, no rhythm.

You start with a powerful image- “face to the ground”- You need to build on this.

How bad did you want out…what is an image that would say that more powerfully than “I just want out?

I don’t know if this will work for you, but maybe a 10-syllable line scheme, and images instead of statements will give your poem the life it’s seeking.

It is important to keep trying. The art to writing is not in the writing, but in the re-writing. Good Luck.
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Review of DCF Takes Goldi  Open in new Window.
Review by tinman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
The subject of the poem is clever. I love the behind the fable quality. However, I find the structure of the poem somewhat jagged. There is no consistency of meter (especially in the first stanza) and rhyme scheme seemed unbalanced. Where adhered to, the rhymes were original, but, in at least one place, appear to be forced (daughter, other). In a couple of places you have abandoned the rhyme altogether.

However, there is nothing here that won’t survive a re-write.

On a more personal note, I have sense, from this work, that you have a deliciously humorous and quirky quality that is refreshing. I hope you cultivate that quality; the world needs laughter.
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Review by tinman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
The “Laconic Sexton” is clever, and given the plot device, mercifully short. The vocabulary you have chosen to exemplify Yuri’s way of articulating himself, on paper and personally, are elaborately rococo enough to illustrate his boring banality (this is kind of fun)..

Well, you know what I mean.

I have one small problem with the piece. It is in the choice of the names Yuri, Moshe and Finkelstein. These sound very Hebraic. I doubt that Jews would use a priest. Of course, this may be part of the joke you are playing on us. If it is, it may be one joke too many. I’m not sure how many would get it.
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Review of Beauty Sleeps  Open in new Window.
Review by tinman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is absolutely wonderful- smooth, perfect form.
I love the image and I especially love the last two lines.

I am way impressed.
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Review by tinman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I write in verse form, but it's not necessarily poetry. I often wonder how many people read my stuff expecting something other than they get. It seems to me that if you classify something as poetry, you raise expectations of classic forms. If you classify something as verse, you loosen those expectations and create a space for the reader to pay attention to substance rather than form.

But who asked me?
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Review by tinman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I wasn't perfect, but the test was fun. I scored just about what I thought I would score so I'm not disappointed.

What amazed me was the numer of submissions there are per day. Wow!
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Review of Caleb  Open in new Window.
Review by tinman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
That love is present is well shown in this piece. The rhyme scheme (something at which I'm terrible)seems well placed, except for the third stanza, which has none at all, and the fourth stanza which has a near rhyme (on-gone).

Your metre is almost perfect, but I think there are a few places where it could be improved with a removing of some extraneous words.

While I don't like re-writing anyone else's work, I will offer a suggestion for the last line, as an example of what I mean.

But Caleb and God the war have won.

That you not limited each foot to iambic feet, but have used complex counts is a great plus, in my opinion, but sometimes it makes the line a little clumsy because of a word that could be substituted for some word similar. In verse. less, frequently, is more. I would suggest a re-evaluation of lines 5 and 16.

All this said, remember the piece is yours, not anyone elses.

Keep writing. Your friend has a wonderful memorial in you.
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Review of Red Dragon  Open in new Window.
Review by tinman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am not free with praise, unless praise is deserved. The Red Dragon deserves it. It is marvelous.

I love the rhyme scheme. Rhyme is difficult enough, and to choose a scheme not usual is a sign of skill and confidence.

The imagination of a child is so beautifully painted in this poem. Who can fail to remember when a stick was a sword and a garbage can lid was a shield and everything could be anything. Who cannot forget how strongly we believed our play.

The last few lines of Mother/Queen create a perfect (and funny) ending, a reminder of how often we were brought back to a mundane, perhaps necessary, reality.

I love this poem. It is going into my private collection.
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Review by tinman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This seems like a perfect "instruction" piece. I imagine even seasoned published writers could find it helpful.
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Review of THE BOTTOM LINE  Open in new Window.
Review by tinman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
About ‘The Bottom Line

I am going to make a short preface to my remarks.
I have not read this author’s bio; I know nothing about them. However, I will make some assumptions from the work, itself.

The author is under 18, and based on the acronyms used, is male. I have tried to factor those assumptions into my remarks.

I also get a whiff of a school paper.

Let us get the hard stuff out of the way, first.

1. There is an over-abundance of grammatical and/or spelling errors that could have been caught just by use of the spell/grammar check program that I assume is part of their computer programming. Not to have used the tools available is inexcusable.

2. Acronyms are sometimes funny, used judiciously. An over use of them is sleep inducing. Their use, here, adds to the ham-handedness of the presentation. This piece needs re-writing, and a careful use of the cut and paste tools.

3. Let the story tell itself. Unless the story is specifically about a personal experience, the less the author interferes with the telling, the better. What is humorous in the story will reveal itself. Real humor needs no prompting.

That said, there is evidence of talent for storytelling, in this piece. The piece is an interesting, and unusual, bit of instruction in Economics vs. ‘Humanomics.’

I am unsure if there needed to be a further dissertation after the story. At any rate, it seems the author could have made his personal end points more concise.

I have thought a lot about how many points I was going to give this story. It certainly was above average in imagination.

However, given the over-abundant grammar errors, which I consider a truly neglectful attitude in presentation, I am going to award only 3.5 points.

I am also going to offer a small aphorism for the author to consider. Real writing happens in the act of re-writing. I would be interested in reading a re-write of this piece.
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Review by tinman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
The Legend of John Henry is a fine, fine piece of Americana Fable telling. From first sentence to last, it stays on the rail (I will have my little pun).

Two things are particularly impressive. The first is the use of dialect without abusing the owner of that dialect as a figure of fun. Rufus comes off as a dignified, proud man.

The second impressive thing is the amount of research that that seems to have been done in order to tell this story. I still would not know that in order to hammer through a mountain required not just the strength of a hammer wielding man, but the courage and dexterity of a ’shaker, if not for this story.

This is also a story of man against technology. I am not sure whether the story is a tragedy or a celebration. John Henry and Rufus beat the machine, momentarily, but oh, the price.
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Review by tinman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Religious rhetoric has no place in the question regarding the Civil Right of Gay people to marry. God did not institute marriage. Marriage is secular institution and was primarily established by a Patriarchal society for economic reasons. Men didn’t want to pass on their gathered wealth to blood that wasn’t theirs, and Women wanted to protect both themselves and their children. Religious sanction was a later by-product.

Marriage is, in its most basic guise, is an enforceable legal contract between two adults that binds responsibility for each to the other. As the usual vow goes, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, etc. is the pledge that seals the agreement between them. There is no logical reason that such a pledge, with all its legal protections be, denied to consenting same-sex couples.

There was, a time during, I believe, the ninth Century, when the Church held ceremonies for two men in extraordinary friendships. It wasn’t a marriage ceremony, but the Church at least realized there could be a special bond between males and sanctified it. Whether or not the same privilege was granted to women, I don’t know. Probably not. Women in those days were granted damn few of those benefits given to men. They were biblically and legally considered less important.

The fact of this blessing surprised even me. I found it in a book, which title I now forget, dealing with the subject while browsing through shelves at the public library. It was not, of historical record, an approval of same sex physical activity, but the Church has never approved of sex in any form. It has merely tolerated some expressions of sexual libido. Even between married men and women, they added so many but, whereas, and therefore clauses they made marriage a chore rather than a joy.

Today, in the Roman Catholic Church it is stated that Marriage is a sacrament that gets its blessings and legitimacy from the two people making the commitment. The church is only there as witness. However, they extend that idea of canon (and civil) legitimacy only to heterosexual unions.

The contract of marriage needs to be understood outside the Judeo-Christian-Whatever, religious context. It needs to be restored, entirely, as a legal contract. This is going to require education.

This should not mean that those who wish to add a religious element to their union should not be able to do so, but that religious element should have no civil standing. In fact, without the agreement of the civil authority, it doesn’t.
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Review of Rate Yourself!  Open in new Window.
Review by tinman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I've already rated this item, but I did want to add a comment: It might be interesting to know what each writer thinks are their strengths and weaknesses as an author.
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Review by tinman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
My problem will not be from negative comments, but from positive ones. I might actually believe I damn near perfect.

Tinman
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Review of Comment-In-A-Box  Open in new Window.
Review by tinman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very well organized guideline. It is also a very ambitious guideline. The only “graphic art” it doesn’t cover, is sculpture, but that’s not the author’s fault. Sculpture is an art that requires not only sight, but also a feeling for the space in which it is displayed that cannot be entirely understood unless you are occupying that space with it. As a very tactile person, I think sculpture, for a fuller appreciation, needs also to be touched, curves and angles explored with the eyes of the nerve endings in your fingers, in your hands.

The background color is well chosen. It is a very neutral, non-glaring yellow, tan combo that helps ease tired eyes. It leaves the print easier to read than the stark white shade most computer default modes (and cheaper brands of commercial paper) use.

I liked, too, the way the author uses

What I found annoying is having to make a basket of links within the site, just to read all the information. I’ suppose it is necessary; however, it is still annoying. I have a line of links piled up in just this one site.

There is also something missing in your guideline. You have laid down perfectly valid rules for good writing. You have to know the rules before you break them.

However, after considering all the critiques, the writer has to rely on his own instincts James Joyce was not immediately accepted within the critical circles. Now, he’s held up as an icon of genius. He had faith in his own talent.

I think him an obtuse storyteller, but still, I read him for his language. That man can make a metaphor dance Swan Lake.

Still, overall, I liked this piece very much. If I can do both a rating, and a box critique, I give this piece a 3.5 to a 4.

Tinman
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