This is perhaps the best "caption" to an image I've ever read. I'm not sure if I should compliment you on the writing or the sculpture more. I was in fact curious about the contruction. It does look very solid from the photograph; piercing the pupils was an excellent mode of comntruction on both the physical and symbolic levels. The white glaze came out very well; I always had a problem with whites. What are the dimentions of the piece?
Maybe I'm just hungry, but they kind of remind me of powdered dounut holes. Alright, enough reviewing; I'm going to the dounut shop!
Thanks for sharing! I know I don't give you enough reviews; hopefully I can start making up for it.
I hope you're enjoying your reviews from Simply Everything! Here's another one!
Your imagery is very excellent. You paint wonderful tiny pictures of a childhood hung unbalanced by things outside the speaker's control. The voice and tone are simple but not "dumbed down", exactly as I would envision an intelligent child's thought. I cannot make the connections between every scene presented however, mainly the scene regarding the car windows. It's a great visiual, but I can't seem to relate it to the rest of the piece. This could just be me though.
Overall, this was an excellent poem to experience. I want to thank you for sharing it with us.
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I normally avoid Christian poetry. It typically falls into the rut of tranditional, inorganically structured, cliched "praise"; hardly worthy of divine attention, in my humbled opinion. God deserves and adores the most human aspects of ourselves: the broken parts, the imperfect parts, the aspects of oursleves we try to hide although we all have them.
You break this mold in perhaps one of the most honest way possible. A poem about rejection by a loved one is not new, neither is the idea of divine salvation, but these ideas paired in one poem did give freshness to both. You avoid the cliches of both subjects well; your imagery is also vivid. Your diction is also worthy of praise. I enjoyed these passages the best:
But then I hear a dulcet whisper;...
Pain smothers me, still I’ve not turned.
Stagnant is the prison air.
Numbness claims me.
The structure is secure, holding the words in a binding the reader can find very accessable but not distracting the reader from the actual content of the piece. I'm sorry I have little to offer as suggestions for improvment. I honestly feel that this piece, if it is missing something, only lacks something only the author of the emotion would know is missing.
Again, I thank you for sharing this with us. Good luck and keep writing!
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This piece is fantastically vivid! You've made very good use of the description area: "The cigarette ash floats on sanguine water." Very visual, a great introduction to the tone.
And what a tone! You draw the scene vividly with such wonderful visual terms. I can see you've a great talent for imagery and diction.
My only problem? Why haven't I rated this a five? I admit, it may be my own shortcoming. Despite the excellent descrption, I can't quite figure out what is happening. Is the piece purely symbolic or does the action really occur? Who is this speaker and, if he/she is so much like Death but not, who or what is he/she really? The vagueness here could well be very purposeful and I might be missing the point. (Psst, here's my secret: I may have studied a lot of literature, but it doesn't mean I know everything. )
Thank you for sharing this with us. You've a great talent for perfect imagery! Excellent job!
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First off, let's give this piece a little room space for the readers' eyes to breathe. Adding spaces between the paragraphs and double spaces between sections (along with that cool divider line) would really help visually clean this peice up a bit. Improper formating is the first thing an editor can be turned off by, so it's a good idea to put your works in the format that's standard for the medium.
I shall not be a porn on his chessboard.
I think you meant "pawn", but the implied visual is kind of funny...
There were a few other errors also, mainly in the areas of sentence structure and improper word usage ("to" for "too", etc.). The sentence structure I disregarded as an error; the fragmented sentences seemed to befit the speaker well.
Why is this piece considered Young Adult? I would think that the item should be "Gothic".
I hate to say it, but I found this piece kind of bland. Nothing really seemed to stand out visually or emotionally to me, like the piece had died itself. The concepts are very fuzzy. I can tell they are interesting, but they seem far too clouded by the deadness of the tone. I realize that the "dead" feeling of the piece is befitting the subject, but it doesn't seem to work for me as a reader.
This piece is not bad, that much is sure. From what I can see, this piece could use some revision with reader clairity in mind. I'd be very happy to re-review after some revision, if you'd like.
I'm a huge fan of Forgotten Realms (as is my husband). Aside from our pieces, I haven't seen much FF of FR, so I was immediately drawn to this peice!
Welcome to writing.com! It's wonderful to have another FR fan around! As a site that helps its members members improve their writing, here's my account of a few areas you might want to look over and possibly make some corrections:
An emotion he didn't know and was sure that Jarlaxle didn't truly understand either, despite what he might say to prove otherwise.
This seems to be a fragment. I'd recommend placing "Peace was an emotion..." or "Peace: an emotion...".
"You felt you were betrayed by him." He stated.
The correct punctuation here should be "You felt you were betrayed by him," he stated.
The word "that" occurs in several places where it's really not needed. Read through this again and look to see if the word is really needed when you use it.
Overall: You have a good hold on who the characters are, even though they are not your own. The situations they are protrayed in are likely and not out-of-character for them. Fanfiction often makes the mistake of having the exsisting characters doing something outlandishly out-of-character or implanting a situation that is unlikely given the rest of the known story. You dodge those pitfalls excellently!
No need for the ending disclaimer, in my opinion. I think you've explained the situation well enough to that it makes sense.
If you're interested in reading some stories set in FR, here's a few:
I hope you're finding your way around the site well. Feel free to ask me any questions you might have. I really do want to encourage you to share more with us; this piece is an excellent introduction for your talents. Thank you very much for sharing it with us.
I try to offer a little review for those who take the time to enter. I've seen you've done a fair amount of (colorful ) reviewing; consider this review, then, an act of karma, a "you-get-what-you-give" moment.
There were a few errors and I'll go ahead and point them out for you first off:
"Theres an old house in the meadow,"
(Eek! And in the first line, too!) "Theres" should be "There's" (the contraction of 'there is').
"and the windows are hanging off their hinges."
Windows have hinges? Did you mean that the window shutters are hanging off their hinges? (Shutters are the little door-like coverings that windows sometimes have.)
"and the door stands wide open.
Wide open to anyone."
I think there should be a comma after the first 'open' rather than a period. The second line isn't a complete thought on its own.
Overall: You paint an interesting picture. An abandoned house is an image taken right from my own childhood, and there is a sense of magic about an abandoned place taken over by nature, as you've described.
I think you could be more visual in your description, however. What color is the house? What does that old paint look like? What are the floors like? Appealing to other senses would be a nice touch also. What does it smell like? What do these smells remind you of? What does the grass of the meadow feel like as you run through it?
I'm not saying you need to include all these aspects in such a short poem, but my suggestions are just that, suggestions. When I make them, at the most I'd ask you to keep these thoughts in mind if you decided to rewrite or when you write your next poem, which I'm sure you'll be doing soon!
I tell you're an inspired person. Good luck with your expressions!
I can't help but recall reading "Old Man and the Sea". The themes and length are similar; this is a good association (at least for me). Also, since this was first uploaded on my birthday, I can't help but feel a connection right off the bat. Silly? Yes. Have these factors inspired me to take a closer look? Yes. Sometimes a piece just catches you at the right time; this one has caught me.
A few things I noted:
“I don’t want to, they’re scary!”
~~This seems to be two independent sentences. I think they should be joined with a semi-colon (“I don’t want to; they’re scary!”) or as seperate sentences (“I don’t want to! They’re scary!”).
Rachel looked up at her father who must have seemed invincible to her.
~~The verb here sounds a little awkward. Might I suggest:
"Rachel looked up at her father who seemed invincible to her."
“Uh huh, it’s true, someone told me so.
~~Needs a closing quotation mark.
The spinning, spiraling, twisting dairy product fell slowly, so slowly, and he could only watch.
~~Somehow I find the term "dairy product" too techinical a term for the emotion that was meant to be expressed in this sentence. I don't think repeating one of the other words would be too distracting, or would be atleast less distracting than such a controled, sterile term.
Wouldn't Mitch have heard the dog as well as the woman's cries for help? Perhaps you should mention that he hears the dog dimmly compared to the screams of the beautiful woman. And does this woman actually marry him and become Rachel's mom? It's suggested but never really confirmed.
The scenes you portray are vivid and enjoyable. Mitch is a highly realistic character, an average guy I had no problems getting to know. However I had a lot of questions about the story. While the memories of Mitch have a fine structure, the overall story lacks obvious conflict. The scene with his daughter and meeting his wife follow the standard lines for plot building, but the story by which you deliever the tales isn't immune to following the same standards. Just a small hint of conflict, like how he fights or comes to accept the memories, would help this story greatly.
The main story needs the same treatment as the smaller ones, but this didn't detract immensely from the experience of reading this peice. If I were able to sit back and relax and take his time in the boat as Mitch did, there'd be no problem, but it's conflict that makes a story and this peice wouldn't be hurt by injecting just a little into it.
Overall, a great job! You're super descriptive and have a poetic touch.
I can see your faith here very vividly. From no better place can inspiration come than by God.
There's a few issues here, however:
"Who was this man
who over death did a victory win?"
Ah, the problems of playing with sentence structure to fit a rhyme scheme: the reason I nearly gave up on ever pruposely rhyming ever again. This wording is a little jarring and untypical compared to the rest of the piece. It's a sticky area, and I'm sorry I can't offer a better couple lines.
"drove the nails in His hands ans feet?"
Typo: "hands and feet?"
There are a few errors in spelling and a couple typos; nothing going over this again with a critical eye couldn't catch.
It's great that you've decided to share with the public! I can see that you've a talent for great word choice and imagery!
There seems to be some issues about story craft in this piece, however. I became confused at several moments, and I had to reread the ending a few times. The transition from first person to third is a little too gentle. Could I recommend seperating the narrator's words from the ending with something like more space or some little squiggle to let the reader know there's a major change in point of view happening? And what does that last body being found mean? (That last question may be just me, but I can't figure it out.)
You give the reader a wonderful feeling about knowing exactly what this main character is like. I can almost think that if I met him, I'd recognize him from your story! However, I have a difficult time realizing his motives. Why is he so rough? Why is he, in my opinion, such a all-around horrible person?
This story has some great diction and tone to it, but I feel that it's missing some aspects of story writing. On the small-scale, this is great, but its larger aspects need some attention.
The opening really awesome, immediately engrossing!
I'm also a great fan of this back-and-forth style approach to storytelling. It takes a craftsman to work with a story in this way, and your talents shine by taking this path.
I couldn't see how to improve this piece at all. You do an excellent job of transfering the information needed to understand the workings of the setting. the only possible thing I could offer as advice was to be sure to continue this plotline! This is a really mentally stimulating setting, described vividly, with characters that demand attention.
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Alright, enough reviewing; I'm going to the dounut shop!
