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Review of Tuned In.  Open in new Window.
Review by Scribbler Erased Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello HailDarkLord Author IconMail Icon! Thanks for entering "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window., sponsored by "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

I’m Scribbler, one of several judges for the contest. The following critique is meant to be as helpful and beneficial as possible, but ultimately it only reflects the opinions of one person.

Overall impression: I think both the characters and the premise are entertaining and interesting, but I feel the delivery/presentation of the story needs some work. In my opinion, a little more plot focus and some tightening up of the narrative would smooth out this story’s bumps nicely.


1.) Pace and Flow: Did the story hold your attention, or did you find yourself easily distracted? Did you stumble in certain places? Skim scenes?

I felt there were some problems here. Pace-wise, the story contained many paragraphs of undiluted description. In fact, most of the first half of this story consists of nothing but description/narration; primarily of the small southern town, it’s inhabitants, and lengthy histories of the two main characters. This alone is enough to really drag the pace of the story down (whenever you stop to describe, the story stops as well), but then the pace is further impacted by the fact that much of the description and narration has nothing to do with the plot of the story—an alien electronic invasion. Which leads me to flow: The plot itself really doesn’t begin until halfway through the story. Everything that comes before can arguably be credited toward setting and characterization, but even then, it’s overdone with details that aren’t crucial to either, and don’t serve to move the story forward, giving the flow a disjointed, confused feel.

The pace and flow problems can be easily rectified with some aggressive cutting of unnecessary details and narrative. Take a look a the two most crucial elements of your story:

Plot: Alien invasion of an electronic/technological nature. Ultimately, this is your story. Every description, every line of narration and dialogue should in some way serve to move the story along.

Characters: Tom and Karen—what do we need to know about them? What’s absolutely necessary to their roles concerning the plot? What of their histories will make them react to the situation the way they do? Determine these details, and cut the rest. For example, Karen—We know her dogs are her family, and this is a very important characteristic detail for her. So you’d want to mention how much she loves her dogs. However, there’s an entire paragraph concerning an attack on her dogs in the past, which has nothing to do with the story at hand, and doesn’t add anything to Karen’s characterization. The event might be edge-of-your seat interesting, but it doesn’t move the story forward, and therefore it should be cut.


2.) Characterization: Were the primary characters in the story three-dimensional and vivid? Were they flat? Believable or unbelievable? Did you care about the characters? Could you relate to them?

I thought Tom and Karen were believable. I would have liked to see their characters develop by watching them interact with each other more, rather than through a lot of back-narrative, however. Overall, though, I thought they were nice, believable and easy to relate to.

3.) Setting/atmosphere: Could you “see” where the story was taking place? Did the author make good use of the senses to paint a vivid scene?

The story takes place in a small southern town, and is too easily visible. Ultimately, the southern town is just a backdrop for the plot, but it felt much too bright, too bold, and too busy—filled with ignorant, stereotypical inhabitants who ultimately have nothing to do with the story. Much of the setting description, and all but a line or two concerning the town’s residents can and should be cut, in my opinion. Concerning the residents, you have one line here which is both fantastic and sums up everything nicely: This was a place where the locals measured you by how many times you could use a reference to God in a sentence or how many children you and your husband could breed in to the world. This is wonderful, and it really says most of what you need to say (although it does need some cleaning up. Suggest: This was a place where the locals measured you by how many times you could reference God in a sentence, and by how many children you and your husband could breed into the world).

4.) Plot: Did the story have a clear beginning, middle and ending? Could you follow the story, and did events occur in a logical manner? Any holes or loose ends? Could you suspend disbelief?

Like I’ve mentioned, I feel the plot begins too late in the story. There’s mention made of electronic devices not working, but except for this foreshadowing, the plot itself doesn’t begin until Tom catches one of the aliens, and then the remainder of the plot is laid out in a pat rush. Most of the events depicted in the first half of the story don’t relate to the plot, and therefore give the story a disjointed, “loose thread” feel. Aside from that, the plot is fun, and I didn’t see any holes. Suspension of disbelief wasn’t an issue. It’s a fun, crazy ride, which should simply be appreciated for what it is.

5.) Dialogue: Realistic or stilted/clichéd? Did the dialogue move the story forward? Was it clear which character was speaking at any given time?

Overall, excellent dialogue. The voices were unique and clear.

6.) Point of View: Was it consistent throughout the story?

Third-person, omniscient. I didn’t see any problems.

7.) Grammar, spelling, and formatting: Did the story read clean, or were there some obvious problems? Were sentence and paragraph structures technically clean? Or were sentences and paragraphs convoluted and difficult to follow?

Spelling and paragraph structure read pretty clean. There were some concerning sentence structure/word choices/missing punctuation. For example:

It all ended pretty simply, with a drive to the Post Office during the blazing sun of the hot southern midsummer days.
suggest: It all ended pretty simply, with a drive to the Post Office beneath the blazing sun of the hot, southern, midsummer day.

Being so far out in the countryside of the deep south they looked at the sky until the setting sun's beauty lit it up with fiery reds, yellows, and purples.
I’m not sure what “being so far out in the countryside” has to do with watching the sunset. Perhaps: The drove deep into the countryside, and then looked at the sky until the setting sun’s beauty lit it up with fiery reds, yellows, and purples.

He grabbed all he could carry and made a run for the border, but landed as far as the last payment on his home could take him. Here in the middle of the distant mountains half way to nowhere.

The second sentence is a nonsensical frag. Relate it to the previous sentence with a semi-colon: He grabbed all he could carry and made a run for the border, but landed as far as the last payment on his home could take him; here in the middle of the distant mountains, halfway to nowhere.

Southerners, he thought, can't keep their mouths clean and a family feed, but can find the $15 a week to wash their vehicles!

It might be helpful to put the actual thoughts in italics. Spell out fifteen dollars. family feed=family fed.

Karen was a very simple woman who had lived alone with her backyard kennel and set of dogs. Inky, Blinky, and Dot were her 3 most beloved family members in the whole world. Jet black Labs with blue eyes. Inky was the Father and Blinky was the remaining runt who survived out of their last litter. Dot had been attacked by 2 wild roaming male dogs and only after the pups were born did they come back to finish the job and kill her other 2 puppies. Inky had been stuck in a closed bedroom during the attack, with wrapped paws where a raccoon had got the better of him. Afterwards Karen added a chain link kennel to her yard far back through the trees and black berry brush that grew wild along her dirt driveway.

This paragraph goes a long way toward illustrating most of the opinions/observations I’ve expressed about this story. Concerning the plot, none of this information is crucial. Concerning Karen’s characterization, the only thing that’s necessary is that Inky, Blinky, and Dot, three black labs, are her most beloved family members in the world.

Grammatically: Always spell out numbers less than 101.

Second and third sentences: The third sentence is poor use of a fragment. Consider: Inky, Blinky, and Dot, jet-black Labs with blue eyes, were her three most beloved family members in the whole world.

Sentence Five: Suggest: Two wild, roaming male dogs had attacked Dot. After the pups were born, they came back to finish the job, and they killed her other two puppies.

Last sentence: Suggest: Afterwards, Karen added a chain link kennel to her yard, placed far back beyond the trees and the blackberry bush that grew wild along her dirt driveway.


I recommend that you go through the rest of the story, and keep an eye out for missing commas, and places were a little rearranging might make the sentence structure cleaner.

I hope you’ve found some benefit in this critique. Thanks again for entering The Midnight Buffet. Best of luck in the contest!

Scribbler


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Review of She Wrote  Open in new Window.
Review by Scribbler Erased Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I thought this was a fun, dark and twisted piece of flash, AngelEyes. Very nice. You do a great job with Lily’s characterization. The reader gets a good sense of her deranged mind, of how sick and dangerous she is behind her outwardly sunny façade—which is no small accomplishment in 500 words or less. Great job.

The main problem I had with this story was its flow. It jumps without transition. This works after you’ve read through the story a couple of times, but on first read, it’s jarring.

For example, paragraphs 2-4. In paragraph 2, Lily is reading what she’s written in her diary. Then, the first sentence of paragraph 3 is: Immediately after doing it she’d had a fit of shaking and vomiting . . . My first thought was that she’d had this fit after writing about Ethan’s loss in the journal, but that’s not the case at all *Wink*. Then, in paragraph 4, she’s once again reflecting on what she’s written in the diary. Honestly, I think that you could alleviate confusion and greatly improve the flow of the story by forgoing the attempt to surprise the reader with what she’s done. Example: Immediately after she’d killed him she had a fit . . . stating this outright puts the reader immediately in the stream of her thoughts, and requires no catching-up. There’s no need for a surprise element in this story (in my opinion). The real darkness/shock lies not in what she’s done (which is, dark, granted), but in what she is.

Also a bit disconcerting is the complete lack of setting of the story. There’s no backdrop to ground the events. This is easily fixed by adding some walls (or possibly some trees, for example, if she’s outside) for her to write within, and putting something beneath Ethan as she kills him. Floor, ground, a mattress.


Just a couple of other things I noticed:

She’d hadn’t expected to be affected like that. But she’d tucked her soft blond hair, that Ethan had loved so much, behind her ears, rinsed out her mouth and got on with it.

She’d hadn’t. No need for the double had. She hadn’t. Also, what did she get on with? We know she’s killed him. Did she do something afterwards worth noting?

The eruption of power as she’d twisted the knife in his stomach, hauling it upwards towards his diaphragm and heart, had been awesome. Ethan had been in her power.

The repetition of the word power here—perhaps consider using a synonym.

Overall, though, I thought the story was very well written. And your characterization of Lily is really what makes this story. Especially well done.

Thanks for the enjoyable read!

Scribbler



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Review of The Blind  Open in new Window.
Review by Scribbler Erased Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi gelo,

I remember this story from the last time you brought it to the forum. I am happy to see that much of the pretension of the language from the first version is gone. I think the more casual tone of the language now serves your story better. I also noticed that a lot of the sentence structure has been cleaned up, increasing comprehension and flow. Nice work.

Plot: The story isn’t finished, so it’s impossible for me to form an opinion on the strength of the plot, or if I feel something might be missing. I will say at this point the plot seems very familiar to that of the film Johnny Mnemonic, with whispers of The Matrix. This is merely an observation. Any opinion I might form would depend on where you take the plot throughout the rest of the story, and whether or not it has a fresh “spin.”

Character Development: In my opinion, character development is pretty flat, so far. Francis, relayed primarily through exposition (pure “tell”), seems more like a prop than a person to me. Considering the reiterated emphasis about what a fantastic ‘fixer’ Francis is (perhaps the best of the best), I think he deserves to be fleshed-out more, despite his short stint in the story (and especially if he shows up again—even if only to haunt Angelo’s memory).

Angelo—up until he plugs in, Angelo appears to be nothing more than part of the setting. The description of his surroundings is told to the reader in an impassive voice, and Angelo is relayed in the same tone—as if he’s no more important than one of the many neon signs. We’re “told” he’s depressed, but we never get a personal sense of his depression. We’re told that he sees this, and hears that, but we don’t experience these senses with him. He exhibits no thought or emotion, and because of this, I found it impossible to connect with him.

After he plugs in, we’re told through his dialogue a little more about him, and we get in his head a bit after Francis’s betrayal. Some personality emerges. This is good, but in my opinion, it would be a good idea to try to forge a reader connection with Angelo as soon as possible—preferably starting from the first moment we meet him.

Point of view: I’m guessing the POV intends to be third-person-limited, Angelo, but it reads primarily detached third-person-omniscient. Still, the point of view is consistent. It doesn’t hop in confusion from character to character.

Dialogue: well-written, realistic, and purposeful. It moves the story forward. But, like I said in my first critique, the dialogue tags are distracting (once again, I point out the glare of ‘Angelo flaunted scurrilously’) and often redundant of the dialogue itself. For example:


“I was. But I f***ed up.” Angelo rationalized.

rationalization is clearly heard in the tone of the dialogue. No need to reiterate.

“You don’t seem very f***ed up,” observed Francis.

‘observed’ is redundant. Francis has already stated his observation.

Like I did in my previous crit, I urge you to stick with common and less distracting tags, like ‘said,’ and ‘asked.’ But you need not take my amateur word for it. Browse the net for advice about dialogue tags, and professional novelists will say the same thing, only much more convincingly *Wink*. If you feel the dialogue does not clearly convey the right tone or emotion, then either adjust the dialogue so it does, or show it in your character’s facial expressions or body language.

Setting: More than sufficient up to the point where Angelo encounters Francis, but I couldn’t clearly picture the setting during the scene with Francis. The train-ride at the end was nicely done.

Other observations:

As hinted at throughout my critique, much of this story is “told,” and not “shown.” The story would be better served if you flipped this around, and “show,” more than you “tell,” especially where Angelo is concerned. Use all five of his senses. Give us more of his thoughts and emotions. Allow us to experience the story through Angelo. Save exposition for situations that are best conveyed through summary (for example, if Angelo goes to the bathroom, we don’t need to “experience” that with him unless it’s somehow crucial to the plot).


The steel enclosures of the carriage were heavily graffitied with messages of boredom and abandonment.

‘graffitied’ isn’t a word. Suggest: The steel enclosures of the carriage (and why not just say ‘the walls of the train’?) were covered with graffiti, conveying messages of boredom and abandonment.

he pulled out a Marlboro and lit it with a sterling zippo,

Zippo is a brand, and needs to be capitalized.

I hope this helps some. It’s impossible to give a thorough critique of an unfinished story. If you’d like to bring this back to the forum when it’s finished, I’d welcome the opportunity—so long as it’s a short story, under 10,000 words. Thanks for posting.

Scribbler




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Review of Temet Nosce  Open in new Window.
Review by Scribbler Erased Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Thanks for posting at "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. This is also posted in the forum.


As the title suggests, this story’s premise centers around the narrator’s decision to find out who he really is. The narrator himself is presented as a metaphor for the converse of the title, unnamed, and generally impersonalized.

While I appreciate the ingenuity of the metaphoric presentation, I believe it’s taken too far, especially considering the first-person narration. As a reader, my connection with the narrator was minimal, at best. I didn’t feel anything for him. He just seems to drift through his story, until the end, when he makes his decision to “be” himself—whoever that is.

His friend Brent, however, is nicely delivered. For all of his superficialities, he’s more than just a shadow. And this is where I think the primary key to improvement lies: While the narrator might not really know himself throughout much of the story, he knows Brent. A good way to give the narrator the personalization he needs (to form the necessary connection with readers) and still manage the wonderful idea of the metaphor might be to allow us to see more of what the narrator feels about Brent. Brent, who’s background is very similar to the narrator’s; who ended up in the same place in life; who’s actively trying to make the narrator a carbon copy of himself—a partner in the lie. I recommend allowing the narrator to think and emote about Brent and who Brent is more, giving the reader peaks at who the narrator really is, even if he doesn’t obviously see it himself.

The pace of the story is sluggish. It’s filled with long and obtrusive bits of trivial history, that have little bearing on the plot. Cigarettes, for example. Much time is spent lamenting on the habit of smoking—something that holds some significance for the narrator, but that significance is never really fully explored—mostly due to lack of the narrator’s characterization. I believe the symbolism cigarettes hold for the narrator is that they connect him to his existence at the factory, and when he gives them away at the end, it’s supposed to symbolize his decision to move on from that aspect of his life (meaning the factory)—but because we spend so little time in the narrator’s personal mind, because we have no indication how he really “feels” about the factory, other than that he seems to be comfortable (if not a bit bored) there, the symbolism of the smokes doesn’t pack quite the punch as maybe it should.

The factory is another good example. Many, many words focus on the manufactured product: lids. While knowing specifically what the narrator produces at work gives a nice sense of realism, the lids really have no other function. Better to spend those words characterizing the narrator.

The plot centers around the narrator’s relationship with Brent, his relationship with himself (a man he doesn’t know), and the life they make up for themselves on the weekends—the lie they live for. I think, overall, more focus should be placed on how the narrator perceives and feels about these relationships, and the lie, and less focus spent on the drawling drone of life at the factory.

Repetition—while it’s apparently a theme of the story, it shouldn’t be a theme of the writing itself. Throughout the story, descriptions are repeated unnecessarily. For example, as the narrator talks about the couples on the street, he gives four descriptions of the way they walk. One is sufficient. More does nothing but bog the story’s pace.

Semantics:

More attention needs to be paid to paragraph structure. Begin a new paragraph any time there is a change of subject, focus, or unrelated action. Begin a new paragraph whenever the focus swings from one character to another.

Wordiness—aside from the before mentioned repetition, the story would benefit from an overall tightening of sentences. I’ve included some examples from the story, along with some other observations:



It was a variation on a theme using material he had gleaned from the national papers or from any one of Grisholm's novels.

Do you mean Grisham’s novels?

Brent had a way of almost always ending his sentences with a question.

I like this bit of characterization. I’d suggest tightening the sentence a bit, though: Brent almost always ended his sentences with a question.

. . .What if'", he paused and flashed a quick look at me. Imperceptible to anyone not ready, but I knew it was coming. It was the final cast into the pond. The cast that would net his prey. He turned his gaze toward Angela. For effect he whispered, "'What if it was you . . .

This is the middle of a fairly long paragraph. I targeted this mid-section because it could use some tightening. Example: . . .he paused and flashed a quick look at me, signaling his final cast into the pond. The cast that would net his prey.

A new paragraph should start with ‘He turned his gaze toward Angela’


Brent's recitation of an ending of a Law and Order episode that he had recently watched was flawless.

More tightening. Suggest: Brent’s recitation of last week’s Law and Order episode was flawless.

It was obvious, in fact, that she enjoyed Brent's ending. It was cool. Good triumphing over evil and all that. The brief silence that followed, Brent and Angela peering into each other's eyes, was my cue and my chance to escape the table. I took the opportunity to venture outside. The air was cool and refreshing, autumnal clear. Time to ruin that. I lit up a cigarette and took a deep pull dragging warm happiness into my lungs.

This is another portion of a goodish-sized paragraph, and could use a good trimming. ‘in fact’’s are always a signal of wordiness. Suggest: She obviously enjoyed Brent’s ending. Good triumphing over evil, and all that.

New Paragraph.

The silence that followed (he leaves—how does he know it’s brief?), Brent and Angela peering into each other’s eyes, was my cue and my chance to escape the table. I ventured outside (no need to state ‘I took the opportunity’ –it’s obvious). The air was cool and refreshing. Autumnal clear. I lit a cigarette, and took a deep drag. (I understand there’s a good reason this character smokes—it comes back into play again as a bit of symbolization. However, emphasizing the act with contradicting statements (‘time to ‘ruin’ that’; ‘warm happiness’) doesn’t seem to do much but slow your pace at this point.)


Friday nights in Chicago in the fall, there's no place better. I leaned against the club's wall and watched couples brush past me on their way to wherever. None of them were in a hurry but none of them were really lagging. All of the couples walked with a similarly determined but leisurely gait. They had somewhere to go but not somewhere they had to go. They existed in this moment for the pleasure of each other's company. I, leaning against the wall of a nightclub I couldn't afford to be in, overshadowed by the presence of downtown and its majestic buildings, did nothing but interrupt the couple's passage through the area. My smoke, billowing out of me at regular intervals, would reach out to these strangers. The usually omnipresent wind was nowhere to be found tonight, unable to carry away my exhaust. These passersby, offended at being poisoned and taken out of their dream state, cast sharp glances at me, briefly quickening their pace to avoid even the tiniest of contact with the offending wisp. There was a time when smoking was considered sophisticated. Now, the smoker is nothing more than a leper or a carrier of some unknown yet highly contagious disease to be avoided at all costs. Except, that is, in the factory.

Take a long look at this paragraph. What’s its primary purpose? I’d say it’s to transport the reader from the present moment and into the narrator’s history, using cigarette smoke as the conduit. A good choice. And the symbolism of the couples, is a good choice too—their reality in opposition to what’s going on with Brent in the bar. But you need to make this slide as slick and smooth as possible. Rid it of its unnecessary reiteration. For example: None of them were in a hurry but none of them were really lagging. All of the couples walked with a similarly determined but leisurely gait. They had somewhere to go but not somewhere they had to go. They existed in this moment for the pleasure of each other's company. All of this basically says the same thing: these are people out, simply enjoying themselves. Show it once, and move on.

Here’s a suggestion for this graph: It was Friday night in Chicago, and the sidewalk was alive with happy couples, enjoying each other as they strolled from one bar to the next. I leaned back against the wall of the club, trying to be unobtrusive, but my smoke billowed, drawing offended glances. I remembered a time when smoking was considered sophisticated. Now I was a social leper, my habit welcomed nowhere except in the factory, where I worked.


Once the process ended it started again. Our goal, to be faster and faster. Repetition, the key to our success. The machine, loud, pulsating, never stopping (at least never supposed to stop), creating lid after lid. Repetition, the key to our success, loading, packing, stacking, and loading, packing, and stacking again. Faster and faster, focusing, starting the process again. For twelve hours, this is our life, our routine.

So much repetition is overbearing, and the key to slowing the pace of both this paragraph, and the story.

One more suggestion: The narrator is never named—and I appreciate that’s due to the metaphor, which I like bunches. But you might consider naming him at the end of the story, after he has his revelation. Perhaps he gives his name to the woman along with his cigarettes. I think doing so would give the ending, and his decision, more meaning and emphasis.


I hope that you find this critique of some help. Best of luck with the story, and thanks so much for posting.

Scribbler




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Review by Scribbler Erased Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I just wanted to drop by and say thanks to the Rewarding Reviewers Committee for acknowledging my review of "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. I think it’s great that this group is so generous with their time and resources, and helps motivate in-depth reviewers to keep reviewing. I can tell you that it’s very appreciated. While I believe that many reviewers don’t review for reward or recognition (In fact, I like to critique for a selfish reason: it helps me to improve my own writing skills *Bigsmile*), it’s always a great boost to feel appreciated by someone—even if it isn’t always the author you’ve reviewed *Smile*.

You’re doing a good thing here. Just wanted to let you know that I appreciate you.

Scribbler
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Review by Scribbler Erased Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Thanks for posting at "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. This crit also appears in the forum.


Interesting. It’s obvious written language is second nature to you. So much beauty in the descriptions of ‘ugly’, and ‘lonely’, and ‘pain’. Bushels of talent on display here.

The flow of the piece is divine. I love to read someone who understands the potency of fragments and has the rhythm to use them effectively.

Characterization? I get a sense of the narrator—a sense of Franka and Igphalia as well, but overall, I must admit they all leave me a bit bewildered. Glimpses of shadows.

Which brings me to pace and plot— Shifting verb tenses first: You know they’re there. Said as much when you posted the story. I get the feeling the rules were broken on purpose, otherwise I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t have gone through and corrected the tenses before posting (‘cause if you’ve read any of my other crits, you know I’m going to rag about it *Laugh*). That said, I strongly urge that you keep tense. Yes, rules are made to be broken, but that artistic license plea only works when the rules are broken for effect or emphasis, and I’m not seeing a strong need for either in the manner or the places that you break them, and I didn’t think it was done smoothly or effectively—my opinion, of course. For this story, I’d recommend that you at least stick to one tense per story section.

Plot— more bewilderment. It seems throughout this piece, you’ve used ambiguity as an artistic choice. It’s your story, and your call and I’m a big fan with experimenting with style and unique voice—all that, but I think ambiguity has been overused in this piece throughout, to the point that the story is nearly incomprehensible. I didn’t “get” it. For instance, I can’t figure out if Franka and Igphalia are two separate entities, or if Igphalia was somehow pulled from Franka, or if Igphalia was ever real at all, outside of the narrator’s psyche. In fact, I didn’t understand Igphalia’s purpose or importance, really. I sensed the power play, as suggested in the title, between the narrator and Franka, but that’s about as clear as this story gets for me. I feel that I should have understood more, and I leave this piece feeling a bit ignorant. I’m not suggesting you lay everything on the line, or talk down to your readers—that’d be bad. And maybe I’m just not a member of the intended audience. Maybe someone else would pick up this story and say, “Wow. Great story!” and completely understand. But I do believe a little less ambiguity and a little more convention would be helpful to this story—at the very least, it would gain it a wider readership.

Some observations throughout the text:



Nude and wet and frightened, I stayed on all fours, one hand clutching the foot of the bed, a mass of wicked and alone. "What's your name?" I asked, and slid to the floor. The heel of one shoe pressed itself persistently against the bridge of my nose.

Why is the narrator wet? And isn’t he already on the floor? Start a new paragraph with ‘The heel of one shoe . . .’ and attach the next sentence to that new paragraph.

I heard a rustling . . .

"What an impossibly ugly name."

From above me: what could have been a snort, what could have been a guffaw. She was amused, nothing delighted her more.

The use of the colon is an awkward construction. Distancing, actually. Suggest: From above, I heard what could have been a snort, or maybe a guffaw. . . And I wonder, what exactly is delighting her so much?

. . . the great oranged mass of it . . .

While I’m a fan of mutilating words to suit my own agenda, I advise only doing so when a real word with the same meaning doesn’t already exist. oranged = orangey (or, if you’d like a word almost as ugly as she is = ocher).

Again I was struck by how wholly unattractive she was,

And just what makes her so wholly unattractive? You give a nice description after the story break, but it comes too late to support this statement. Perhaps instead of saying she’s ‘wholly unattractive, you might consider allowing the narrator to show disgust instead.


"I didn't say it," and I roll away from her. Off the bed she is and landing heavily beside me.

You’ve switched from past to present tense. ‘Off the bed she is . . .’ This needs better construction. It’s Yoda-esque. Also, this sentence should be tagged before her dialogue in the next paragraph.

"Yes you did," her hand rests on my navel.


---

I found it hard to concentrate . . . Devours them.

This paragraph—it’s well written, but I couldn’t make sense of it. It reads like a figurative nightmare —flashes of images that make sense by themselves, but don’t fit into context as a whole.

Franka leaned up from behind me and brushed the hair out my eyes. Her fingers were wet from something. Precipitation from the milk bottle. I moved away, just out of my line of sight: a chaos of motion.

You’ve switched back to past tense. ‘I moved away . . .’ should begin a new paragraph. I see you’re a fan of the colon. I’m not. It’s a jarring construction. In fact, the whole sentence could make better use of punctuation for comprehension’s sake. Suggest: I moved away. Just out of my line of sight, a chaos of motion. Or maybe: Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a chaos of motion.

she said (and it was gone) not sure what was gone. The chaos of motion? The brevity is already implied. The parenthesis’ are distracting., returned to her lunch.

---

(She) grabbed my arm and tossed me over,

Not quite sure why ‘she’ is in parenthesis here. Effect? I think maybe, but it looks and feels like a typo. I’d recommend coming right out and using her name. Igphalia.
---

, and I struggled for something to say, needed to hold her attention.

suggest: , needing to hold . . .

she was still speaking around the spoon, looking away now

suggest: she still spoke around the spoon, looking away. –to keep tense.


---


This whole delightfully sordid affair. Her hand on my arm

I thought this was an ineffective use of a frag. Suggest: This whole delightfully sordid affair; her hand on my arm, . . .

"Here we are. My humble . . ." but she doesn't.

But she doesn’t ‘what?” What is it that he expects her to do that she doesn’t?

. . . she is the very embodiment of emotional walls. new paragraph Suddenly she sighs and stares up at me resolutely with a look I assume is meant to communicate smoldering passion end sentence, Beneath gray-lined eyes her dull yellow lips twitch and curl defiantly, end sentence She uncrosses her arms, lets them swing loose at her sides. new paragraph She takes a deep breath and leans heavily against the door. I smile quickly, tentatively, and brush past her, she stumbles and nearly loses her balance, her hand snakes out. She catches herself on the shiny green-gold metal of the doorknob and breaks her nail. You might consider beginning a new paragraph here, to give the following sentences more emphasis Such charming emotional walls. Her little cry echoes in my small intestine.

Thanks for posting this, and letting me critique it. I hope I’ve been of some help. Thanks for dropping by!

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