Wow! What an awesome universe you're building with Size Queen. I'm glad you made it Earth instead of off world. There is a ton of dialog which goes a long way in character development but I also want to see more of this universe. How many years into the future does this go? And, I hope you keep Tina humble. Does she have anything from the past to hang on to in order so instill hope or is she supposed to connect to Doc because he's the best shot at normalcy she's going to have? I love how you set that inner conflict up.
I would consider setting some scenes with this new found technology like nanomachines and maybe go into what the treatments are a little later into the story. I want to really feel this universe and it's hard for me to put myself in the world even though I connect so well with the characters. I'm rooting for Size Queen and hope she find her place in this tortured world! I hope there is a big conspiracy brewing with Marco. Why did he sell her contract do Doc? I want to think that maybe part of the larger story.
I would consider leaving out the oy vey part when she rolled her eyes. But, that's just me. It threw me off a bit and didn't seem to go with the character.
Overall, I love the story and hope you keep writing it!
The end is always rushing towards all of us. I guess humanity is bonded in that way, we are all united in death. There is nothing except absolution and it's finite. But, we do not know what lies on the other side so there is a choice to be made. We either succumb to the darkness and expect that's all there is or we decide on more hopeful future. It seems like your entwined in the questioning of it. You suspect nothing matters at all but yet what lies after this life is going to be supermassive. It seems to be a conflicting sentiment that we all at one time or another contend with. My vote is that it matters a great deal. Good luck in your writings!
Allergy season is upon us! Cute! I know it's a ritual for me, except I hardly ever get to skip the sinus infection part! Keep your tissues handy and your eye drops near so you can see the Spring all the more clear! I didn't know about musettes so I learned something new here. Thank you!
It feels like Mad Max to me. I would love for you to describe the world more. It seems desolate. Your writing is very intelligent. Almost too intelligent for me to keep up with. When you start describing the weaponry in your dialog, it loses me a bit. But, I love Arron's introduction to Sandy. They will make good partners.
Ah! Poor Alfie! I can't recall seeing any movies or reading any books that highlight the battles from the crusades. Often enough, I read or watch about soldiers who come back to England or go off from Rome but it's interesting to read about a battle from their. I'd like to see more of that. Something like Gladiator for that time period. Maybe a historical fiction piece. It was entertaining!
It would be awesome if this story turned into a murder mystery. It's got a great premise with secrets and intrigue and risque pictures taken and put into manila envelopes. I can almost see this as a CSI episode or a John Grisham novel. Interesting internal dilemma of the main character here. There is potential for advancing the story line here.
Self hate is such a powerful emotion. We can't help but hurt ourselves sometimes. It's our nature. But, I think in our reflections there is chance for redemption which you seem to get in touch with in the last stanzas. Keep pushing, keep combat the going for it is that battle ground that makes us strong and able to withstand the potential harm life inevitably brings us. Warrior of the light!
xenophobia does separate humanity, I love that line! Beautiful prayer and much needed sentiment during these times. Which freedom's fires are spreading? I think I want to hear more about that. Maybe add another stanza. Good job and keep writing writing the write!
Great ending! Accomplishing dreams usually do take hard work and commitment to see goals through. All dreams start from a seed and then nutured to grow. Maybe you could add a stanza about that. It's important to motivate people and give them hope of a better future.
Wow, what powerful emotions. I'm sorry for your loss. So much vivid detail in your account. I'm assuming its a biographical account. The only critique I have for you is to break up the story into paragraphs to make it easier to read. I never considered that we might have considered putting Italian Americans into camps but it makes me wonder if the bosses in Washington ever thought to orchestrate something like that. War is such a terrible and heart wrenching phenomenon. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
It makes me feel like that too. Keep going. People try to tell us thinking emotionally is a weakness but I beg to differ. It's a gift and we need to role model it as often as we can. I have a feeling your bet work is yet to come. Shine your light bright!
Fight the good fight! Let me feel what keeps you awake and compelled to do your best writing.
Such vivid memories! Were you thinking of fall? It seemed like it to me. The air seemed crisp and I felt a slight chill in the air. What a fond memory of a grandparent!
Short and to the point. It's very clear. It's probably not paranoia, or at least that's been my experience anyway. Glad to see you listen to your inner voice. Could be a tad more creative. Maybe throw some imagery or imaginative word play in there.
It certainly seems like exercise has helped you stay healthy and strong, and slim! Good for you! What about a catchy ironic title like Heart Attack Missed, or Cake, how I Miss You. May note be your style some thoughts about your title.
I loved your message of dark defeat only to find optimism waiting on the other side. It's a tough road to walk and sometimes staying optimistic is a lonely road, especially when people around you assert their negative energy onto you.
I loved how you compared our minds to locked doors and the keys lie in our thinking. I find that to be true. Sometimes, it is the road less traveled that gives us the greatest journeys and the ability to create new pathways where perhaps none existed before.
Write on Soul Man! Just write in a bigger font and maybe break between paragraphs so older eyes can see.
But still, here in the winter we dream of the summer is my favorite line in the poem. It gives such hope to the reader! It's so easy to see life fade before us as we age but then I think we are closer to yet another dream. Here's to touching the sky!
Wow! That was a great read, how fun! I think you can make it longer and still keep it interesting. I have never seen anyone put into writing so creatively when they feel they have been condescended to. It's one of the most frustrating feelings in the world, it's probably why I didn't like any of my teachers (and most of my know-it-all peers) growing up. Good job with it and good luck!
Wow! This was so good I'm putting it on the review page. I really liked it, a short story that packs quite a punch! What a colorful piece. The thing I like about this piece the most is that for it's length it's complete. I don't feel like you left anything out, leaving us guessing.
This is an endearing poem. I think losing friends under life changing circumstances change us in immeasurable ways. I'm glad to read it, it's very touching. Good luck and welcome, it's a great place for writers!
I don't have any suggestions, I liked it just the way it was.
Wow! Great job! I totally feel how you feel. For me I have found in my own search for truth that it's all a matter of perception. The disappointing thing is, truth is so elusive to us that I think we all will always be the seekers, and that people who tell you they know the truth are the farthest from it. Thank you for sharing that!
This is one the most emotional pieces I have read so far. It bursts through the impartial defenses of my heart, right into the emotional center. I felt this one deep;y and believe others should read it! I would like to thank you for being brave enough to share this with other readers.
You really know how to develop a plot, the chapters just keep getting better. The only thing I got confused on during my first read through the chapter was your introduction of Athenias's crew. I couldn't keep them straight on my first read. I know you said there were seven, but I counted eight unless you weren't counting Athenias as part of her crew.
Since we are not able to see these characters, I would spend a little more time describing their culture and history to make the universe really come alive.
Overall, I loved and I look forward to reading the rest of the chapters.
Wow! What an awesome read, it definitely intrigues me enough to want to read more! I honestly don't have any criticism for you. The plot is interesting and the characters really come alive. Athenias is going to be one tough broad, I have a feeling we will really be getting to know her.
The problem with using logic as a measuring rod to prove or disprove God's existence is that logical arguements can be crafted to the crafter's point of view. I too am an agnostic, my argument could be constructed like: a. God is energy b. The scientific method can not measure this kind of energy currently c. Therefore, God can not be measured by scientific method currently. We can not know where the avenues of science and religion will cross in the future, but I for one am looking forward to that intersection.
I felt your essay was not written for the average lay person so if your point of view was written for the average person interested in this topic you might want to consider changing some of your writing style. Overall, I was highly impressed with the tenacity you attacked your opposing point of view.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tj35635/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 9:52pm on Jul 05, 2025 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "