. Please know that my opinions and suggestions are given honestly and to help in some small way. Your work is of course your own to choose for.
What I enjoyed: I find your imagery very evocative. It speaks of warm winds and subtle spices that linger, but old, as if the feel and scent is of an ancient memory. A very thoughtful poem, and one to be re-examined with more than one read.
A Few small things: When you are using spoken phrases, I would suggest using quotations. When you are speaking with the internal voice, quotations and italics. It sets the dialogue apart and leaves the reader free to more closely examine the words, rather than being distracted by checking to see exactly who spoke them.
Overall Impression I enjoy the tone you have set, as it feels I have joined someone on an important journey. You have a gift for making an impact while speaking softly.
I will be reading more of your work, and following up with you in e-mail. Thank you very much for the invitation to review your portfolio. Write on!
It Started to Rain (13+) Where does a relationship go when one person is finished, but the other still hangs on? #1683991 by Shelly Jarvis
. As always, my opinions and suggestions are merely my own view. Please know, my intent is to give feedback and a readers viewpoint. Feel free to disregard any advice I may give, as each writers work is their own.
What I liked: From your title and plug to the very last line. Excellence! This story is a well thought out and crafted work. I love the way you draw the reader into the scene. Detailing the minutiae we all see each day, but are too familiar with to really see. Sarah's introspective pondering; wavering between stubborn pride (or,if I may be so bold as to say, self-absorbed arrogance) and clear eyed acceptance of her own guilt at her marital distaste, is spot on. The depth of character development is rare for a short story. Even more enjoyable is the subtlety with which you have done so. You have formatted this piece nicely, with line breaks in all the appropriate places for clarity of dialogue.
Some small details: As you transition scenes, you might consider a visual break to indicate scene change. Such as the tilde key in sequence. As indicated in red below:
" Sarah walked to the door and turned the handle. She looked back at the psychiatrist sitting in her plush office and said, “Tell that to my husband.”
Ben was sitting on the front porch reading a book about mollusks when Sarah pulled her old Buick LeSabre into the driveway. He heard the car door slam and looked up as she walked up the steps."
Also, when the Doctor is dictating, I would recommend his speech is italicized. I realize his dialogue is spoken aloud, however dictating is more of a verbalized editorial of internal dialogue, though it is meant to be heard for record keeping. I guess what I am getting at is the recipient of his words is not present at the time of the actual address.
Overall Impression: A very polished and sophisticated read. I could very easily imagine this piece adapted for a screenplay. It has all the qualities one would hope to find in a poignant and all too real drama.
It has been a real pleasure to review your work. Just so you know, I located your piece in the "Read a Newbie" section of the main page. I am so happy that I did! I will certainly keep an eye on you here on WDC. Welcome to the site (from another newbie), and write on!
I offer a review of your piece titled: "Silence Lay Waiting". This review is only my own thoughts and opinions as a reader. Any suggestions I may offer are intended to be positive and helpful.
What I liked: Right off the top, you gave a great plug for the story. It led into the tale perfectly. The title is very appropriate also. I love your use of the surroundings and the descriptions of the scene, it sets the tone of the piece and gives a backdrop for the whole of the story. Very well executed! This line in particular I found very well crafted, it resonates.
"The silence that had pervaded the world outside seemed to have slipped in and lay waiting. Or maybe it had begun here and was seeping out and had only begun to fill the rest of the world."
Though this is a short piece, you have done an excellent job of presenting a story in full. I felt I was walking along and feeling that sense of looming silence right along with your main character. The pacing from one scene to the next was fairly seamless also. That is no easy task in so few words. Well done!
Things to revise/edit: The first paragraph's first sentence is a bit long. I re-read this section aloud to myself and added a break in the first sentence like so,
" It was a little after two-thirty in the morning when I pulled into the driveway.in front ofAt the big old house downtown where my best friend and I were rentingrented the upstairs apartment."
I feel that shortening the length of the sentences allows for necessary pauses. This gives the reader a mental slow down in pacing that meld with the tone of the story itself.
I noted a few minor punctuation things. Commas needed perhaps in a few places.( But then again, I like my comma key far too much. )
The following lines need quotations to show the character's spoken words. Exemplifying the silence of the piece, by their sudden and sparse use.
(my edits are in red)
"Between Jimmy's room and mine was the bathroom. The door was closed. I stopped and listened. "Jimmy?"
I tapped lightly on the door jamb with the back of a knuckle and cleared my throat. "You in there?" I heard my words after I said them.
This last section, I am unsure if these words are actually spoken by the character, or clanging inside his head.
"Walking woodenly toward the rectangle of light I heard over the roar of the silence in my ears a strange voice from far away. No Jimmy no. Oh Jesus Jimmy no."
If spoken aloud, quotes. If not, I would suggest italicizing his internal dialogue.
Overall Impression: I enjoyed reading this very much. It almost feels like there is more to come from your main character. Perhaps he has more to show us in another piece? As a reader I am interested in what happens to your character. That is not easily accomplished with a short work, but you have done it very well. You have a nicely relaxed and fluid style to your writing, and it has been a pleasure reviewing your work. I look forward to reading more from you in the future. Definitely Write ON!
This review is my own thoughts and opinions. It is my intention to be forthright, helpful, and to give food for thought.
I can see where this particular "style" of address can seem off putting to many. Though it is and can be a useful tool. Not only to the participants in online chat conversations, but to a writer tackling this genre as well. I liken it to a colloquialism of speech formatted for the written word, much like dialectical phrasing affected by characters with a brogue, or archaic way of speaking. If say, the "rules of grammar" were applied to many of the patterns of speech in say, a Robert Burns poem, I think much of the flavor and richness portrayed would be lost to the reader.
For those not intimates to the sub-genre of D/s erotica writing, ( see what I did there? ), think of this grammatical style as a subtle tool, to assist in the subtext. Sort of a legend on a map to a land you have never ventured before. That being said, I have read and also written work in this style, and while it can and should be an enhancement to the story, I caution against utilizing it as a crutch.
I was a bit surprised to see this as a poll. Though after thinking on it, I can see where it has perhaps become a sticking point for some author's work. Thank you for bringing the question to light. Good call, and write on.
Sincerely,
TmhTaylor
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What I enjoyed:
A Few small things: 
Overall Impression 
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