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9 Public Reviews Given
9 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Tricia Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
So fun! I could definitely see this as an illustrated children's book. It reminds me very much of Dr. Suess in both rhyme scheme and whimsy. I tried very hard to find fault, and this is what I came up with: you have an apostrophe in Mayors where none is needed. And I wonder about writing, "On a night in November, or perhaps it was May" in a place where there is no night. So, that's all I could come up with. Not much at all, really. If I were you, I'd have a poet or two go over the rhyme scheme with you to make sure it is perfect, and then send it off to publishers!
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Review by Tricia Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This story has some great detail. I love the details of the way the boys play, the setting and the way they are changing. I also love the way you repeat the whether or not Grandma is happy.

I only have a few suggestions: 'Grandma isn't real happy about them going into the bamboo though' - you need a comma after though to set off the next clause. (Obviously a minor point - and although 'real' isn't grammatically correct, it fits the tone of the piece - one can imagine Grandma speaking that way - so I think it fits just fine.)

My content suggestion is that you modify the parts where grandma isn't happy so that they aren't a harsh / depressing foil to the happy boys playing. Maybe, "Grandma isn't very happy about them tracking mud into the house, but she isn't very hard on them. I think she likes them around, mud and all. . ." along those lines. That way when your last line comes, it makes it even more poignant that Grandma really won't be happy once they leave.

I love that last line.

Good work!
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