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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tombadrick
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29 Public Reviews Given
29 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I don't really know. All I can promise is that it won't come in a flowery, predesigned template in which I just fill in blank spaces beneath a series of generic points, and then try to enter it for a cash prize.
I'm good at...
Situps
I will not review...
Shopping lists, Cooking recipes, Graffiti, Limericks about cats, Nutrition information, limericks about nutrition information, Assembly instructions
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Yes
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hey stranger. I'm just stopping by to give you my thoughts on your story as it sits so far. I just wanted to let you know in advance that I'm probably not your target audience. I'm neither a fan of any 'magic school' fantasy book series or Harry Potter, but I'll definitely give you my thoughts on how it stands on its own. In the very least, you can count on me to not draw any parallels to the aforementioned :)

I'm not a big fan of reading stories one chapter at a time, but this chapter comes to an interesting conclusion (or lack thereof). I like the 'meeting of minds' concept between Torin and Kenton, and the way they subtly size each other up is entertaining. The chess symbolism definitely works in this careful interaction. Of course, I don't have the rest of the story to compare it to, but I feel that you intend this to be an important point in your plot. I'm curious to see where it goes.

Maybe it's the fact that there's only one chapter here to lend credence to it, but I feel a little lost on Torin's personality. There's a small section above paying lip service to his eccentric and 'insane' nature. What he actually demonstrates in his actions is less eccentric and ageless madman and more mischevious adolescent. He demonstrates himself as an arrogant, attention-seeking, horny child that likes playing tricks on others. I know a lot of people like that, and I'd call none of those traits 'mad' or 'eccentric'. But it's obviously just a chapter, so I'm pretty sure I'm just reading a little too deeply into it. He'll have plenty of room to develop and prove who he is as the story goes on.

There's a part in your story where you mention that Torin's magic is in words, and it leaves him as ageless as the words himself. That's a pretty great concept, and I hope you plan on building on that notion of literary timelessness as the story continues to unfold. It's a cool idea and I can really see it going places.

One of the things I liked is how you work to build the world around your main character as he goes about his everyday routine. You can get a feel for the school, the market, and the general neighborhood just by the choice of locations he stops by and the activities he participates in. If this style continues, you'll have a world before you know it! :)

"Flying through the air was a pure joy plus he knew that he was getting at least people looking up at him with amazement and wonder, that made him laugh."

I'm sure I get what you are saying in the above, but I read this out loud to myself and it felt pretty messy. You might want to consider re-writing this part, maybe flesh out each of points you made in it. The joy of flying, Torin's love of the attention it draws, etc. I think that if I could fly, I'd have a whole lot more than one jumbled sentence to describe it. ;)

There's a few spelling and grammatical errors dotted through out, and maybe another sentence or two like the one above but not as prominent. I'm sure if you let it sit for a while and go back through with a fine-toothed comb, and maybe even read it aloud to yourself, you'll catch most of the small slips and stumbles within, if not all. It's great to see all of the effort you've put into this so far. Time to get back to work. ;)
2
2
Review of The Wilted Mask  
Review by Yes
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey stranger, just stopping by to give you my thoughts on your poem. I'm about as versed in poetry as Donald Trump is in charity work, so if I missed the mark you were aiming for, blame U.S. public education. ;)

Overall, I was given a strong impression of moving forward from a sense of loss or misunderstanding, and even life itself. Maybe making amends or burying an old grudge, and also facing the increasing difficulty of making that step as one grows older, and ultimately if it even matters after we die. Still waters running deep and all that. Your references to the well, the Rubicon, and even that Dylan Thomas channeling all point in that direction. It all shapes into a bunch of those thoughtful, mature, difficult emotions we all have difficulty describing.

Structurally, I felt a sense of song lyrics more than poetry, but that's a personal opinion. It flows freely and doesn't restrict itself to any rigid form in particular, except to partition itself between ideas. It has a stream of consciousness feel, and I think this is a good thing. My own personal feeling is that when a poem lapses into being deeply serious, trying to solve the puzzle of fitting it into a predetermined rhyme scheme or template only diminishes the value of what is actually being written. This poem has a lot of integrity and maintains it throughout. I enjoyed the read, and was definitely worth going through more than once. Great job!

One suggestion I'd like to give is more related to the fickle nature of writing.com more than anything. You have this poem rated in the 18+ category. Though the subject matter is very mature and introspective, there are no red flags that pop up to me declaring this isn't appropriate for younger readers. If you were looking to maybe expand the number of members who can see this poem on the site, you should consider lowering that tag a little. Ultimately it's your poem and your audience is yours to filter however you wish, but just a thought. :)
3
3
Review by Yes
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey there,

I Have to say that I really like where this is going! From character, to narrator, to author... I feel like I've seen a third, fourth, maybe fifth wall break down in this story, and I think it's really well done. The jumping perspectives is a lot of fun. It almost feels like the same story being told by two different people, each interrupting the other as time is still progressing. All the while as serious as a whoopie cushion. Nice job!

I'm not going to say I've shared a similar experience as told at the beginning of this chapter, but I will say that I love the thought patterns displayed. They feel very real, and maybe a little familiar. I guess I could say the same for the rest of the story as well, but I've been hung over many more times than I've been emotionally overwhelmed by a gorgeous, exotic woman with a giant hoe giving me her undivided attention.

Sometimes the wording gets a little crazy, intentional or not. Either way, it works perfectly, and there was never a time where I felt lost by this overwhelming sense of styilin. I'm given the impression that Sahimi's English is a little broken. Even so, as lousy as I am with catching typos, I grabbed a few below that could be found with a quick search function call:

-Deportment misspelled as 'deprtment' when it is first used.
-Place misspelled as 'olace' as Sashimi gives G. her name.

I honestly hope you had as much fun writing this 'nonsense' as I did reading it. It was a total blast, and a very unique and welcoming change of pace. Thanks for sharing!

One last note: Is it strange that I had eggs for lunch today?
4
4
Review of Nib  
Review by Yes
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice work! Though my initial reaction began with an almost-feeling of deja vu over a story by Tennessee Williams I recently read, there is evidently enough twists and original ideas within to keep a classic scene interesting. The difficulty Simeon has with his family felt very real to me, and as a person who probably doesn't keep in touch with his nuclear relatives as much as he should, I can relate to it on at least one level. A funeral can bring out the worst in many people, and seeing the problems Simeon already faces with his relationships at home and abroad, I could certainly feel his discomfort as the scene played out.

I feel like I caught an interesting inconsistency in the rocky relationship between Sasha, Simeon, and his family that I wanted to bring to your attention. Near the beginning, when Sasha returns home, she has obviously more information about his uncle's funeral arrangements than he does and appropriately chides him for it, citing the fact that she keeps in far better contact with his mother than he does. Then, at the funeral, it is mentioned in the narration that Simeon's uncle Jude was the only relative of his that 'tolerated' her. To me, that's already a borderline word that hits extremely close to a negative. If Sasha's relationship with Simeon's mother is even lower than this line already drawn, I don't think consistent contact seems reasonable between the two. Perhaps I'm relating it to my own perspective of what it means to tolerate a person, but the people I merely tolerate in my own life don't get courtesy calls. And any lower than that, they don't get the time of day. It's not exactly a big deal in the plot of your story, but it did seem a little funny. Or maybe I just missed something. I'm good at that. :)

With that said, the writing is quite good, and what grabs me the most is how believable the characters are. I feel like I was left hanging at the end, and wonder if there is going to be a continuation in the future. Write on, my friend!
5
5
Review by Yes
Rated: E | (3.5)
Ha! I liked this story! I think one of the things I liked the most is that throughout the story, until the very end, the crack in the ground is referred to as simply that. It's just a crack; not exactly a word that generates that much menace or danger, not like maybe a chasm or gash. Because of this, it feels more like an annoyance than a threat, and we're treated to a nasty surprise near the end, where it has gone from crack to sinkhole. Nice job!

There's a few handfuls of spelling and grammatical errors inside, but I think it would be more useful than rattling them off to just suggest you sleep on this one and give it a reading over in the near future, and possibly out loud to yourself. I'm sure you'll catch your bugs... just look out for the cracks. ;) Once again, nice job!
6
6
Review by Yes
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hey stranger,

Here's that review you wanted. I'm hardly an expert, but at least the bulk isn't filled with frivolous pictures and club endorsements. Here you go. :)

I enjoy the overall style and attitude of your story. It's not grammatically perfect, but it flows in a conversational style that simply works, and if it works, I don't see it as a problem. There's a lot of personality in the narration, which goes a long way towards keeping things interesting. Often, when a situation needs to be explained via narration, it can get pretty dry, but the personality and wit used here keeps it interesting and entertaining. What I really liked was how Tyler narrates the story in the way he saw things. For example, he doesn't understand a lot of the games and interactions his friends had when younger, but he describes it in the best way he can interpret, accurate or not. I think it's the greatest strength of the story so far, and does a lot for making him feel like a real person and not just a device to explain the plot, and also lends a lot of credence to the events being described. It all feels very real so far.

-I caught a disagreement with tense in the first paragraph, jumping from present tense to past: "he's told me what he DOES for a living at least a dozen times now but it must not be anything exciting because I honestly can't remember what it WAS"

That was about all that really stood out to me. I'm very curious to see where it goes from here, especially since there are a few references dotted throughout that I'm sure you're intending to expound upon. Write on, my friend!

-Tom
7
7
Review of GHOST  
Review by Yes
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hey there,

I read your story and was going through it awkward sentence by awkward sentence until I read, "Dr. Richard Cardenas was looking for a place to urine". Is English not your first language? If that is the case, it seems that a lot is being lost in translation, as it's swimming with grammatical errors and strange structural decisions. If I'm correct, I recommend throwing up a version of this story in its original tongue, as it would definitely be more enjoyable to those who can read it. If I'm not correct, then I couldn't stress enough that you should consider reading the entire story above out loud to yourself, because I'm sure you'll find very many of your sentence issues as you hear it being read. :)

I was able to get the general idea of the story, but I had a lot of trouble feeling the tension when I was tripping over every single sentence. It felt more like an outline to a bigger story, and would do well with a lot of elaboration, as each paragraph is carrying a very large amount of heavily compacted information. Near the end, you build some depth for your characters, but there isn't much to link whether or not these backgrounds are even relevant to the story, be it their past experiences, life philosophies, or anything. I'm well aware that nothing will scare a writing.com reviewer away faster than a short story of more than a thousand words, but I feel this has epic tale written all over it, and has a lot of good ideas that would do much better were they fleshed out.

I hope this doesn't discourage you. There's a lot to be had here, and a lot of potential for a great survival story, but it's going to need a great deal of work before it can really show its colors. Good luck out there! :)
8
8
Review of Work Sucks  
Review by Yes
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Nicely done! I guess the best part about getting eaten by killer wolf-person is that you only have to worry about it once.

This may not be what you're expecting, but my favorite part is right there in the beginning, though it isn't the intended meat and potatoes of the story. Your protagonist is covertly building all of the requirements of a nervous breakdown. An hour to go, a pile of work for three, and just himself to deal with it. There's all sorts of room to explode, but when he generates his actual response? Cool and collected. It's a snazzy move, and you hit it really well. Nice job. :)
9
9
Review of Prototype 16  
Review by Yes
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
There's a lot of cool stuff going on with this story and I like a lot of it. I definitely didn't expect it to end like it did, and it was really quite a surprise. I enjoyed the way the perspectives shifted back and forth as the scene unfolded. Having been involved with the military for over 13 years and knowing their budget, you should consider changing the millions spent on prototype 16 to billions ;)

There's a few things that could be done that could improve your tale listed below.

I think the best parts are from Prototype 16's perspective, but one thing felt off about it. Often, when he is the focus, the story's perspective seems to change back and forth from 1st to 3rd without rhyme or reason. It's your story to tell and however you like it is always the best way, but it may be a bit easier to follow if the perspective stayed consistent on his side of the story.

There's also a few points where the tense changes mid-stride and could be cleaned up to provide clarity. Example below:
"Out of some kind of instinct, Prototype 16 moved through the leaves as fast as a snake, sensing where the bullets are firing." Jumping from past to present tense.

Third paragraph: "Two barn owl's" No need for the apostrophe with the pluralization.

"Prototype 16 couldn't get away; he was far too dangerous to escape to the city and wreak havoc." I caught this structure, which felt a little awkward. I understand what you're trying to say, but I read the above as being too dangerous to wreak havoc, which sounds like it gets in the way of itself. If I was dangerous, that'd be the first thing I'd do. ;)

There's a scene in the woods where Mackey and his troops cock their assault rifles. This might look cool on TV, but people with more experience with firearms will tell you there's no reason to 'cock' an assault rifle or a grenade launcher. The closest motion to this would be maybe pulling a charging handle or adjusting a safety switch, but given the tense and dangerous situation written in the scene, I would assume a group of trained soldiers would be ready to fire without any additional preparation.

Overall, it's a good story, and leaves a lot of open questions should you wish to develop it further. Write on, my friend!
10
10
Review of Ocyrus  
Review by Yes
Rated: E | (2.5)
Thank God dragons aren't using iPhones yet. Otherwise we really would be doomed ;) Overall, I like the idea of this piece. It brings to mind old tales of the 'mad prophet' with outlandish visions of armageddons and whatnot. Sort of like the Iliad's Cassandra, but without any overt disbelief on the other side.

I really enjoy the idea, but I have mixed feelings about its execution. There seems to be an on-and-off rhyme scheme built into the story. It sounds great at some points, but in others it feels forced. I added a few pointers below that may help to fine-tune your story and make it more enjoyable.

Second paragraph:
I'm a little confused about the reference to 'burnded'. There's no buildup to this jargon, so it seems a little strange to be quoted such.

Third paragraph
last line, 'did you here that?'

Fourth paragraph:
'not quit round.'
'...a point that looks like a spare.' a spear?
I think the last sentence in that paragraph was intended to be build around a specific structure, but it doesn't look like it hit the mark. Try reading it aloud and see if it flows like you intended... I'm having a hard time grasping what it's trying to say.

One thing I would consider is reading the story out loud to yourself. I come up with bizarre, nonsensical sentence structures all the time, and this is the one thing that helps me sort them out. I really enjoy the idea and I hope your willing to give it those few tweaks to turn it into excellence. :)
11
11
Review of Igor The Bovine  
Review by Yes
Rated: E | (2.5)
This piece is inane, random, and senselessly ridiculous. As a fan of many things inane, random, and senselessly ridiculous, I enjoyed reading it. I did encounter a few hiccups, though, and it's possible that other readers may notice them as well.

I'm not entirely sure what MCD is aside from an abbreviation for McDonald's on the New York Stock Exchange, but it's always helpful for the reader to fully spell out an acronym when it's used for the first time in any given piece.

I'm also glad Google exists, because I had no idea what a 'Rael' or a 'Raelien' was until I read this. Perhaps you should include a very short blurb to let the uneducated philistines (like myself) just who he is. Knowing about this without having to consult outside sources would definitely make your story funnier. :)

Last paragraph: "The world went on, with Ra as ruler..." you meant Rael?

The entire piece is very tongue-in-cheek and I like that it doesn't take itself too seriously. With that said, take this review for whatever you want to take it as, and thank you for the laugh. :)
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Review by Yes
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
What a great story. I wish I caught it around the time it was originally posted... it's a great one for Halloween.

An interesting point I thought of as I reached the second part of the interview: Given that it took a day for father Donelly to gain approval, that could have been more than enough time to create a stage show... but then the narrator of the story continued to follow the same path of skepticism that I did as I read it. I found that very interesting. Even though we didn't draw the same conclusions in the end :)

The structure is fantastic and everything flowed extremely well. I really only ran into the one nitpick below. Given it's length, your meticulous attention to detail was outstanding.

At the beginning of part three: 'Once our sins our confessed' Second 'our' meant to be an 'are'?
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Review of A Foolish Notion  
Review by Yes
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey stranger. I finished reading your piece above and thought I'd give some feedback. It's a very clever dialogue, and I can only imagine being in the shoes of somebody who's mother, at such an 'advanced age', could still play such a clever trick. In that light, it plays on two different levels, and it's well done.

I like how careful you were about never breaking tense, and it all flows very smoothly. There are a few little nitpicks I have listed below... just a few things I noticed that an instructor might point out. :)


9th paragraph I think, you wrote 'conversion'. I think you meant 'conversation'. :)
9th and 13th paragraph both start in the exact same wording, 'I wave my hands frantically'. I'm not sure if this was intentional, but it felt a little awkward when I ran through it a second time.
Further down, near the end, there is this sentence. "She reaches over hand past my hand." Maybe it's a term I don't understand given the differences of our geographic locations, but I'm really not entirely sure what is happening at this point. Could it be clarified in another way?

Anyway, just a few things. Great job, stranger. I really enjoyed it.
14
14
Review by Yes
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hey stranger. I swung by and read this, and just wanted to give a bit of praise and a few ideas. Overall, your poem amused the crap out of me. I have a friend who has an old corgi named Rusty, so it almost felt like an evil I knew. In part, at least. :)

The structure and the progression is all pretty solid, and a good portion of the rhyming is pretty clever. I'm definitely no poet and can barely call myself a writer, but there's a few lines that, to me at least, feel like a stretch. It's like I lose the rhythm in the line, and then I have to re-read to catch it again. It may just be my lousy reading skills, but I did catch this stuttering feeling more than once. Consider reading each line aloud to yourself, and maybe record yourself reading it. It may help you get a better feel for the rhythm you are aiming for, and help you pull each line into it. It may not be what you're ultimately looking for, but I think what's told above in this poem would actually make a pretty entertaining short story. :)
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