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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tomcon
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17 Public Reviews Given
19 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by TomCon Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Well, OK.

This is a really measured out, thought out poem. It's obvious that the subject matter is near and dear to your heart.

The only thing I'm not entirely sure about is
fertile dirt like a woman’s womb
to grow a white cotton crop
to buy seed and use on the loom

Really I don't quite get this stanza. Maybe there's a point you're trying to make related to child trafficking or something like that? Not sure.

Regardless, write on!
2
2
Review of She  Open in new Window.
Review by TomCon Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Really nice. Short, sweet, and to the point. Paints a nice picture.
3
3
Review of ADVICE  Open in new Window.
Review by TomCon Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
The best thing about this poem is its rhythm, which does not feel forced.

However, the text of your poem does, particularly the phrase:

The ones who learn and profit from advice,
Are those that make the time to listen; and attentively,
They surrender their ego to the worthy cause of living,
With conscious reasoning and practice inevitably

The central conceit here is fascinating-that if you listen, you will learn-and very truthful. However, the couplet of attentively/inevitably doesn't work all that well.

Otherwise, this is a nice confessional poem.

Keep it up!
4
4
Review of That Person  Open in new Window.
Review by TomCon Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Really like the story here. I know that sort of person myself. :)

The only thing that keeps this from coming across effectively is that it feels rushed. Not that that's bad, but is that really the feeling you're going for here?

The capitalization is also kind of random and it doesn't really have a point. I mean, I get that you're trying to emphasize, but see if you can do that without the caps. It can be a hindrance.

Really though, solid stuff. Keep at it!
5
5
Review of 5-16-2010  Open in new Window.
Review by TomCon Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Solid musings here!

What's probably the best feature here is the quick pacing. You move things along swiftly, no time for naval-gazing, and that's good. A lot of people in your place would probably pad things out with preening lines of longing and it wouldn't work.

My only major issue is that when you say
Today, I'm wishing on stars, and 11:11.

What is the significance of 11:11? That is the ONE instance we could use more detail.

Other than that, great job, and write on!
6
6
Review of Apathy  Open in new Window.
Review by TomCon Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very evocative imagery! You paint a vivid portrait of just how terrifying some people in this world are.
Every second an innocent dies
Nobody cares and nobody cries

That fact does tend to slip our minds sometimes, doesn't it?

I do have a bit of a problem with the line
Their murders unpunished the killers all praised

Just how do they go unpunished?

Other than that, keep at it!
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