Hi, I'm giving this 4.5, although from the point of view of STORY (originality, structure,concept) I would like to give it 5. My rating is generous, because there ARE a few glitches in the writing, but I feel they could easily be fixed. TENSE is a bit all over the place. I'm not saying you can't switch back and forth a little, but not within the same context, thus try ...while her relaxed mouth is slightly turned up at the corners. Despite her massive size and her 2D appearance, she APPEARS alive.( Though I'd use LOOKS to differentiate).Basically your "Voice" is present tense, which works, so I'd keep it that way...ie...I was 8 years old that day. His nose was crooked, where I had a bumpy one, but I REMEMBER a pleasant awkwardness he had .....I scan blank walls for the perfect spot, (delete repetition(for), my second day on the job. The bare streets still feel unfamiliar without the usual bustle of people, and (delete FEELS, incorrect singular anyway, repetitive and the verb is still working for you) eerie without the chaos of the fear of the Regulators, who HAVE been present all my 23 years.(The present tense here helps make sense of the next line).. It has only been three weeks.(But I think you need some justification of this line, perhaps even a question..Is it only three weeks since they..what?..died out..left the planet? Just a couple of words here will a ctually add to the tension rather than give too much away. The reader will still be gasping to know what or who the Regulators are. Don't make them work quite so hard, still plenty for them to wonder about, but tiny clues along the way keep them involved in the search. ... I turn down street 43 J, where I worked yesterday, and am caught by surprise. I see about eight or nine people, more people THAN I have seen in one place ...At those words, I know this project will work. My task IS to paint images beautifying flaws of naturally born people. You also jump from Regulated Beauty to the short RB a little too quickly. The reader doesn't know what you know,give him a minute to catch up ie... and none of the Regulated Beauties (RBs) survied Megiddo, leaving us Natural Borns (repetition to clarify the FUTURE use of these intitials for the reader.I wouldn't use them in this sentence.) I understand that the initials indicate common usage within the society, but I would alternate them now and then with the complete description, to keep the reader on track. We tend to become so familiar with our own stories and characters that we can leave the reader behind. Keep them guessing, but not frustrated! Still tidying up to do, but worth working up because this is truly a creative and original story. Love to see you make a bit more of the artist, the act of painting, the artist as society's mainstay, inspiration,soul. Don't mean to get too heavy here, but a little extra characterisation could really work. I don't know how to say this without banging my own drum, but I have a story in my portfolio that handles the character of a musician in this "artistic" sense, that might demonstrate the kind of extra feeling I mean. NO I am not trying to change the genre etc. But a little more heart wouldn't hurt. This could build to an absolute beauty. Great work.Regards Maria |
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