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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tra7of9
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23 Public Reviews Given
36 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of A Tiger's Eyes  Open in new Window.
Review by tra7of9 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
I loved the fact that you didn't try to force this in to any specific pattern or form. The words flow so well just as they are.

Just on a personal note, there were a couple lines that I would have done differently had this been something I'd done. I thought I'd share with you in case you were interested in the viewpoint *Smile*:

"A tiger is a creature of beauty," I didn't think you needed this line. When I read it, I didn't particularly feel anything that added to the emotional impact. The poem is just as strong without you stating that the tiger is beautiful - I could tell by the way you described her *Smile*.

"as you stare at her brightly colored stripes and stare into her eyes." I wasn't sure if you meant to repeat the "stare" for any particular reason, if you did, I missed the point. Otherwise, had this been mine, I would have substituted one of them in order to avoid it - or omitted one entirely.

Anyway, those were just a couple things I noticed. They're not big, and I really think it's just a matter of writing style differences, but sometimes I think people become intimidated by the community status of those more experienced at writing.com, and I thought you'd enjoy the opinion *Smile*

Thanks for the enjoyable read, and for your review of "Daughters of Storm"

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Review of Ask her  Open in new Window.
Review by tra7of9 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I loved your description of the metaphorical brown bananas. I personally would have liked to have seen a bit more depth in to the message you are trying to send, and I definitely think you could do so by adding a few more lines/stanzas about what the bananas were saying. I thought that this line "Not in a literal sense, naturally" could be deleted entirely, but maybe you were going for a feeling with this that I just missed out on.

Anyway, thanks for sharing your unique characterization of bananas, and for your review of "Insomniac"

~Jackie
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Review of A Secret Within  Open in new Window.
Review by tra7of9 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Great idea for a poem! I love your little twist at the end. There were a couple places where I personally would have changed a few things, and my reading of it felt a little stuttered due to the rhythm changes here and there, but the idea is great. Here's the lines you may want to consider revising:

"Oh, who could it be?" yes, I understand this wasn't a spelling error, but I just thought who made more sense here. Or, you could try flipping this line with "That no one could see" which also sounds better to me personally *Smile*

"Or have many talents," Every other line in this stanza is 5 syllables; you might play around with this one to get it to flow better with the lines around it.

"He wasn't real smart
Or cool at all" again, these felt a little short for this stanza; now, I'm not a big believer in having ONE rhythm for the entire poem, but I do think each stanza should flow well together. You might want to consider picking syllable patterns for each stanza and try flushing out or cutting in a few lines to fit it all just right.

Those are just some examples; I think you can see what I mean. On a last note: even though I don't usually do structured rhyming poems, I felt like you did a really good job with this one. There were very few places where I felt it might have been forced, and that was more because of the gait of the line rather than the wordage (yes, I used a word that's not really a word *Smile*).

Keep writing, and thanks for your review of "Just a Frame"

~Jackie
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Review of Re-birth  Open in new Window.
Review by tra7of9 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I do very much like the imagery of this re-birth (as you've so aptly named it). My personal preferences would say that I'd like to see some stanza's to this and maybe have the double-spacing deleted. There were a couple of places where I would have placed a period or set off the line with an indentation or it's own space on the page, but again that's just me. I really enjoyed seeing this character grow up into their own person.

Here's some of the lines I would have set off for effect; how and if you choose to do so is up to you:

"Fake my happiness, fake my life."

"Suppress the being inside me,
The one that’s the real me."

"To ‘protect’ me,"

"Being reborn
Into me."

~Jackie
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Review of Tighten the Noose  Open in new Window.
Review by tra7of9 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I like the idea of the poem, but I think the words you use could be played with a bit more. try using alternatives for death, dead, neck, and cheer. One of the best things about poetry is that it allows the readers to use their imaginations. Try to "say it without saying it" as my English teacher would have said.

If you make any changes to this, please let me know; I'd be interested to follow it as it develops.

~Jackie
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Review by tra7of9 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Once again, you display a knack for stating the common in an interesting way. Here are the items I noted that you may wish to change:

"I’ll take all the mean things you say about me,"

"While I’m dying inside."

"While putting myself further from my dreams."
You could change this word to ambitions, aspirations, desires, hopes, or wishes and retain the meaning.

One last note: I don't know if you are aware, but know that it's not required to capitalized every line of your poem. You can use capitalizations to emphasize something you're trying to get across - don't detract from that tool by capitalizing every line of every poem *Smile*.

Thanks for your reviews, and please, keep sharing (I know I say that a lot, but I really do mean it *Smile*)

~Jackie
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Review of I Wonder  Open in new Window.
Review by tra7of9 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is cute and I can relate. I like a little noise going on in my house too. I'm not sure where that comes from myself. My mother likes to blame it on our musical enriched backgrounds. She is ALWAYS humming if there isn't anything else going on. I have to have the radio or TV on to go to sleep, and my brother sleeps with a fan always blowing (even in winter *Smile*).

However, grammatically, this piece could use a little attention. Paragraph two seemed to ramble, and there were a couple sentences where I wasn't really sure what message you were trying to get across (i.e. "...well they say there’s nought so queer as folk," I wasn't really sure what this meant...it lost me entirely in fact *Smile*)

If you'd like, I can e-mail you an in depth review showing where I'd make some punctuational changes.

Otherwise, a very good mini-essay.

Keep sharing, and thanks for your review!

~Jackie
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Review of BUTTERFLY WINGS  Open in new Window.
Review by tra7of9 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like this poem. I'm not normally big on butterflies (though, I too have a butterfly poem, of sorts), but I do very much like fairies. The idea of one out there spreading joy is a good one.

I didn't like the viewpoint change, however; going from "I" to "This" "The" and "She" seemed...impersonal. Sort of stand-offish. And maybe just a little abrupt.

On an off-handed note: this poem DOES rhyme (despite the folder it's in) *Smile* even if there's not exactly a rhyme scheme. The last lines of stanzas 1 & 2 rhyme, as well as the 2nd and 4th line in the last stanza. I thought it tied the poem together well.

Thanks for your review of "Sunshine"!

~Jackie
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Review by tra7of9 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
I thought I'd help you out and give you some grammatical edits to make this read a little easier:

The landlady of my apartment was very punctual; she wanted every one of her tenants to leave their rooms by 6:00AM, for her daily cleaning. And, as sure as night followed day, the old lady started prowling my corridor; “Come on, Paul! It's ten minutes to six!”
No laziness was allowed in her apartments. I had to get up and dress. I hated that old dragon. Five more minutes of sleep did NOT mean that the world would come to an end!
Opening my eyes in the morning just meant another boring day in the office, where I worked as an errand boy in a corporate office. The pay was good, but the work - serving coffee, running to banks, delivering letters to offices and other odd jobs - was mundane.
I had been an exceptionally rewarding student in my school days, but was unable to proceed to more than standard IX[I'm not sure what this means; you might want to explain it] due to acute financial problems. This job became my only way to survive. It was not the kind of work I always wanted. I had always aspired to do something big; something which would go down to history...

* * * * *

The day was unusually bad. First, I got my salary cut for arriving late. If that weren't enough, the cashier complained to the manager that I had probably stolen a thousand rupees from the cash box. I kept on insisting that I had never touched the box, but the man held firm to his ground and I was fired. I had always been an honest fellow and had never cheated a person in my life!
It was a shock. I had no family and no close friends. My wages served for my rent, food and clothing. The loss of that job came as a big blow to my ordinary, regular life. Getting another job would be very difficult since I did not have any formal education. It seemed to me that suicide was the only way out.

* * * * *

That night, I walked down a lonely street - not knowing what lay waiting in my future - when suddenly a large hand muffled me. I struggled, but in vain; the man was too strong for me. Suddenly, a blow struck my head and I fell unconscious.

* * * * *

When I opened my eyes, I found myself in a dingy, cramped room - with not even a ray of light. My wrists and ankles burned with pain and my stomach gnawed with hunger.
Suddenly, I heard the lock turn. Startled, I tried to sit up. The room was dark, so I could not see the visitor. Hands seized me and forced me to sit up against the wall.
A mocking voice coated with sugar said, “What a sudden meeting this is, isn’t it?”
“Who are you?" I shouted - patience is not one of my virtues.
“Easy, easy now," my captor replied, “We have all the time in the world!”
“I don’t!” I replied, scathingly.
“Keep shut!” said he. His voice changed to a rough and hoarse one, “if I choose, I can finish you this very minute! However, I have taken pity on you.
I have a proposal. If you agree, then all will be well; if you don’t, then GOD HELP YOU!”
I did not say a word, as I was too scared.
“Good!” he continued, “You see, my gang has run short of members, as most of them have been arrested. My offer is that either you join our team or...”
As I have earlier mentioned, I am a very conscious-driven person; this offer was unimaginable.
“Do choose wisely," and, so saying, the venomous man left.
I pondered on this thought for a long time…was this a choice? It was like choosing between the demon and the deep blue sea. If I agreed to join, then I would become a criminal; if I did not, then I would be tortured to death. It was certainly a very hard choice to make...

* * * * *

Today, I am known as "The DON” - a master criminal and the most dreaded person in society today. Yes, you are correct; I did give in to their offer. I climbed their ladder gradually by killing, extortion and smuggling illegal goods. Now, I have the world beneath my feet. I have power and money - nothing is lacking. So, in the end, I did do something big. Something that has gone down in history books for all time.

Let me know if you make any changes to this one; I'd be willing to re-rate. Keep on sharing!

~Jackie

PS-you may also want to look in to the "writingML" link (found just prior to the text box your story was written in) and see about indenting your paragraphs as well.
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Review of Curling Up  Open in new Window.
Review by tra7of9 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
You should expand on this one; think like a computer. I love the "pixels of myself melting" line! That's a great image to develope. Use this as a middle stanza and give it a beginning and an end. Or maybe even break it up a little and give your reader to digest each thought by using a little more descriptive developement. As so:

Often, when I am very sad,
I curl up sideways on my bed
and I lay extremely still.

how "extremely still" are you lying? would I be able to tell you are alive? what could I compare you to? How "very sad" are you? Would you rather endure hot coals on your feet or maybe just a rat chewing on your heart? What does your bed look like? Are the lights dim or much too bright?

I imagine my body dissolving
into space,
tiny brick by tiny brick,

What does it feel like to dissolve? What does it do in space; die? Fly freely? Grow into an amoeba of sadness that consumes others? Does the sadness go as the bricks are lifted or do you just get heavier and heavier?

pixels of myself melting
until I become invisible.

These two lines are so perfect just on their own. I think, personally.

let me know if you expand on this idea, I'd love to see the result.

~Jackie
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Review of Paper cut  Open in new Window.
Review by tra7of9 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Chillingly accurate and wonderfully described. I think this was beautifully written.

My favorite lines:

"a slice of venomous brush"
"small enough, it hides within a cookie"
"And then it's lost in piles of notes"

What I'd change:

From - "until the time its poison's needed/to inflict a paper cut."
To - until that time the poison's needed/to inflict Its Paper Cut.

And as the saying goes, "write on!"
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Review of The Poet's Duty  Open in new Window.
Review by tra7of9 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
So apropos!

The simple repitition with variants feels so right. The only thing I would change is that the first three lines refer to more than just the poet. However, that aspect of the poem just seems to fall off with no resolution.

I think perhaps a third verse is in order or at least a revision of the last verse to somehow conclude the references. Perhaps the poet at heart is a novelist out of necessity?
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