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Review of The Promise  Open in new Window.
Review by Transforming Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
What was communicated:
A holocaust survivor recounts the story of her family’s financial descent at hands of the Germans and the eventual realisation that she has ended in a concentration camp.

What I liked:

I very much liked the suspenseful nature of this piece – not realising what it was about until half way through.

I especially liked some turns of phrase that you used.. “Peculiar how the mind leaps from one subject to something completely unrelated in a matter of seconds” and “Shriveled leaves powered by the unseasonably frigid wind raced past. I wondered where all those leaves ended up year after year.” I like these because they take you really in to the mind of the main character.

Opportunities: I would have liked to have the main character’s parents named – along with the name of the town and the bank as this would ground the story and make it more real for me. II recognise that you left these out so that it would be suspenseful but it had the effect of me wanting to stop reading. I went on because I wanted to read your stuff. I also think there is an opportunity to create some detail around some of the generalisations that would have added to their character … for instance

We were rich once. Our home in the heart of downtown, was TWO STORIES WITH STABLES AND BUTLERS PANTRY. Father had the honorable distinction of being the most successful banker in the city, but with success comes responsibility. HE FREQUENTLY WAS HOME LATE DUE TO THE DEMANDS OF HIS JOB – OFTEN SPEAKING AT TOWN MEETING AND HELPING IN CHARITABLE CAUSES.

While father spent most of his time at the bank, mother busied herself with "building her nest". THE HOUSE ALWAYS SMELLED OF SAURKRAUT AND DUMPLINGS, AND WAS ALWAYS IMMACULATE AND PRESENTABLE. THE BOOKSHELVES WERE FILLED WITH CLASSICS AND THERE WERE ALWAYS FRESH FLOWERS IN THE VASES.
Occasionally father actually had an evening off, and mother would celebrate by throwing the most elegant of dinner parties attended by the most powerful of people: politicians, doctors, bankers, professors…all were present, their beautiful young wives in tow. (PERHAPS YOU COULD NAME THEM HERE)


I am not sure if these people were Jewish or just some of the others being rounded up. If they were, then some of that culture would have been nice to see.. perhaps describing a particularly German (or HUngarian or whatever) seder night.
This is a hard subject to work with and you have done very well at describing the way the world must have seemed for a 15 year old at the time. (I wonder if the father knew what fate held for them ... and if he was acting for the sake of his family?)

Thanks for the read.
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Review of Where I'm From  Open in new Window.
Review by Transforming Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
A woman(?) reminisces about her life through WHere I am from question.

I particularly liked a few of the images presented here ..."the clunkers ...." and " the stolen chest " and 'rings of coffee" and "goulash" because they evoked multiple senses with a small image. the rings of coffee - i could see a room full of people drinking and sharing, the clunker i could hear it and feel the discomfort of the drive, the stolen chest - i could feel the dismay of losing it and i could taste the goulash and see the likely cook and consumers of it... YUM

Opportunities: I thought this was lovely and evocative but felt let down slightly by the last line...it seemed to just end too abruptly and I felt I needed something about the relationship of character and mother - e.g. I'm from my mother, who always dreamt for me, and still does (or something like that anyway). Well done
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