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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/trish725
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10 Public Reviews Given
18 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Trish Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Now THAT'S what I'm talking about in regards to the questions! Your synopsis is great and the story sounds like it's going to be fantastic. It's kind of hard to love someone who steals from a church, but I have a feeling you're going to make the impossible possible.

I know this is the wrong place to post this advice, but I think you may want to include Austin's church thievery in the blurb. I think that will stand out much more in readers' minds than the fact that he rifled through Jenny's suitcase.

As far as the synopsis goes, I only have a few recommendations. First, I would make the last line stand alone in its own paragraph so the sales pitch is not a part of the synopsis itself. Second, I would give the name of the town earlier in the synopsis rather than putting the name in parenthesis. Third, I would cut out some of the words that aren't completely necessary. For instance, instead of saying "the urging of Austin," say "Austin's urging." Similarly, "who pleads with her to" could be changed to "who begged her to." I know that's being a bit nitpicky, but any word that could be eliminated always should be. (That's a lesson I've learned the hard way!)

Aside from those technical suggestions, I think your synopsis is perfect. I'm not normally a big fan of romance novels, but your synopsis makes me want to read your book. And if your words are persuasively subtle enough to make a non-romance reader want more, imagine the reaction you will get from diehard romance readers!

Keep on writing!

Trish :)
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Review by Trish Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Laurean,

For starters, it looks like you have an amazing idea in your hands and I can't wait to read your book when it is released. The romance genre could certainly use a shove in the right direction and I think that's exactly what you're giving it with your book.

Overall, your blurb is fantastic, but since this may show up on the book cover, websites, and other public places, I'm being a bit harsher than I would normally be. Please understand that this is just constructive criticism that I think will help your blurb and attract more people. I have complete faith in your story and I just want to be sure your copy makes other people feel the same way.

For starters, I would mention Austin's name in the first paragraph so readers don't have to stop and think about who he is when they reach his name in the second paragraph. Where you first mention him in the second paragraph, be sure to change "Austin" to "Austin's."

In the third paragraph, I would get rid of the word "Yet" and maybe change it to "However." I have nothing against "yet," but you used that word just a few lines above. Since I think it fits better above than below, I would change the word in that spot and use a new one.

Finally, we get to the end of the blurb. From what I've experienced reading book covers and writing copy for them, you don't want to make your wording too sales pitchy. To avoid a sales pitch, I would add a couple more questions to the end of the third paragraph and then use a forth paragraph to tie everything together.

As a rough example, you might finish off the third paragraph by writing something like:

"Can Jenny relinquish her traumatic past to enjoy a future with Austin? Can Austin transform the heart of the woman who previously wanted to destroy him? Can everybody truly embark on a "Journey to Forgiveness?"

Find out when "Journey to Forgiveness" is released as an e-book on November 14, 2008 at www.thewildrosepress.com. When you order, simply click the "Coming Soon" button and then click the "Inspirational" button. Or, if you would prefer to preserve this humorous, romantic, and exciting 340 page book, just wait until May 15, 2009, at which point you can physically hold the answers to all the above questions and more!"

Of course, that's just a rough idea, but I think you get my point. To be on the safe side, I want to point out a few things I did there that could benefit your readership and potential sales.

First, I made sure to mention the name of your book in two separate spots. That will accomplish two things. One, it will make it easier for people to remember your title. Two, it will make it easier for search engines to pick up your title. As a general rule of thumb, be sure to mention your title as often as possible so it will get embedded in people's minds.

Another thing I did was take away some of the sales pitch. I'm still giving the same information and most of the same words; it's just organized differently. You might think I'm off my rocker because I suggested that you take away the sales pitch and then I boldly stated, "When you read this book ..." However, that phrase is there for a reason. This is a bit of a subliminal advertising trick that gets into people's heads. You're not asking people to pay money to buy your book. Instead, you're telling them that they will read it. That little phrase will get stuck in people's minds and often convince them that they will read the book, which ultimately means they will buy the book.

I apologize for my lengthy feedback and cannot emphasize enough that your blurb is great. I'm just throwing out some sales tips that will help you when selling time comes about because I really think you will sell this book. And no, that's not subliminal messaging. You WILL sell the book and that's a fact! :)

Best of luck and keep on writing!

Trish :)
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Review of He Never Told Her  Open in new Window.
Review by Trish Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Oh my God, that's so sad! Your poem truly moved me and it brought up a great emotional truth. How often do we all take things for granted? How often do we actually tell our loved ones how we feel? No matter how often it is, I don't think it could ever be often enough.

I only have two small suggestions. First, I might consider making the first line a bit shorter to visually match the rest of the poem. Second, I would remove the repeated "a" in line three. Aside from those two tiny things, I think this poem is perfect as is.

Keep up the great work! In the meantime, I'll be calling everyone I love so they can never say I didn't tell them. :)

Trish :)
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Review by Trish Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
What an interesting and simultaneously traumatic experience! You did a great job describing life at your school and brought up an interesting point about racial tension. Does it matter what color your provokers were? If they had been a different color would things have been different? If you had been a different color would things have been different? There is no way to tell, but your writing style made me think about what may have been had the circumstances been a bit different.

Though I like your story, I can see some areas for improvement that I think would make it much stronger. First, I would try to focus a bit more on the grammar and mechanics. Your spelling is terrific and your grammar is perfect in most parts. However, there are some places where you should insert commas, quotation marks, and other grammatical devices. To add more emphasis, you may also want to make direct quotes out of what people said. For instance, you said:

"He said he wished I had not come back into his classroom because that made me a snitch and they'd go after me harder."

Though that statement is shocking no matter what, you could make it even more shocking and realistic by making it a direct quote. I'm not sure of exactly how he said it, but your quote could say something to the effect of:

My principal looked at me and said, "Why did you come into this classroom? Now you're a snitch and they're going to come after you harder. Don't come in here again."

Of course, that's just an example, but I'm sure you get my drift. :)

On a final note, one of my favorite parts of your story is where you talk about what the kids chanted during your fight. Perhaps you should move that part to the actual fight scene to make it a bit more vivid and leave out your afterthought. Your words make readers ponder these questions on their own, so I would leave out your opinion at the end to leave your story open for interpretation.

Keep up the great writing and may all your literary dreams and wishes come true!

Trish :)
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Review of Wishing Well  Open in new Window.
Review by Trish Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Well that ending was unexpected! :)

Overall, I really like this story. You managed to show insight into quite a few characters in a very short amount of space. Your writing style is terrific and it makes it easy to visualize the story. And, of course, the turn of events at the end comes as a complete surprise. That's one way to get across the idea of "Be careful what you wish for!" lol

The only thing I can really suggest is to make sure you use the active voice as much as possible and cut out any words that don't add to the story. For instance, the word "that" is almost always unnecessary and most sentences can function just as well (if not better) without it. As far as the active voice goes, let's just pick a sentence and dissect it to illustrate what I mean.

You said:

"It was not until seconds before he left did he remember the nickel he placed on the stone just minutes earlier."

I completely understand what you're saying when I read this sentence, but it would be clearer if it was written in the active voice. That means you want to place the subject (Jack) closer to the beginning of the sentence and keep the main verb (remember) close to the subject. So by switching around a few words, you would end up with a sentence like:

"Jack did not remember the nickel he placed on the stone just minutes earlier until seconds before he left."

Now the sentence is sort of flipped around and the focus stays on Jack rather than the word "it" which could easily be the main subject in passive sentence.

Okay, there's my two cents. I won't be adding a nickel to anything any time soon after reading this story! :)

Keep up the great work and I look forward to reading more of your writing!

Trish :)
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Review of Damned  Open in new Window.
Review by Trish Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What an excellent poem! I love the form you used and the two single word lines in each stanza. By the time I got to the last word/line, I had chills running up and down my spine. Your concept is immaculate as are your words.

The only thing I might to do improve this is cut out a few unnecessary words. For instance, if you cut out just a couple words from the first two lines, you could have something like:

"Auburn hair flowing through the wind
Hazel eyes enhancing her beauty ..."

As you can see, the poem flows just as well with three words removed, and the same point is made with fewer words. So if you could eliminate the few words in the poem that aren't completely necessary, I think you'll have the ultimate piece of poetry in your hands.

Keep up the fantastic writing!

Trish :)
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Review of FLUTTERING DREAMS  Open in new Window.
Review by Trish Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Overall, I really like this poem. You have smooth transitions going from one stanza to the next and the end of the poem is nicely complements the beginning. I can feel what you're saying, rather than just understanding it, so that is always a wonderful sign.

I know you can technically do whatever you want when it comes to poetry, but I have a suggestion on how you could make your poem more powerful. I would be a bit more careful with comma usage. Some lines (like line 2) don't really need commas at the end, while other lines (like line three) might be better off ending with a period. Also, I would try to separate the last stanza into more than one sentence and cut down on the commas there. I understand why you used commas where you did, but some of them are unnecessary and I think they become a bit distracting.

Aside from that, I think you did a wonderful job. Keep up the great work and I look forward to reading through more of your portfolio!
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Review of Help Us Help YOU!  Open in new Window.
Review by Trish Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I'm new to this website and your article gave me a lot of insight into what I can do to help myself along with others. The article itself is visually appealing, perfectly written, and inspiring. Your writing affected me enough that I'm going to go tell people about this website right now.

Thanks for all of your advice and keep up the great writing!
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