Hello Blizzard and a happy one year anniversary to you.
This was a fantastic piece of the wonderful and terrible power of the writer. You captured it beautifully in words. I enjoyed it tremendously.
I have considered the power that a writer has in their world, but never to the degree that this piece has revealed. Do you always wear that evil grin I imagine you with right now? (SMILE)
SOME FAVORITE SECTIONS:
"He gave strength to evil and disadvantaged good. He tipped the scales of balance and grinned favorably at the ensuing turmoil."
"The keystrokes came, and the great mountain thundered with creation" (loved this line)
"from which he would scatter the pompous lives of those below with but a few flicks of his fingers."
IN CONCLUSION:
You obviously pour your heart into your writing and I wish you much success and satisfaction in the future. I am pleased that fate sent me your way to discover this hidden gem.
May I be the first of many to discover your many talents.
A good day to you, Joe. I came across your piece randomly, and I am certainly glad that I did. You have a striking talent for writing and wish you very well in the future.
There were no spelling, punctuation or gramatical errors that I could detect. The descriptions were beautiful and imiganitive. You paint well with your words.
Some Parts I Enjoyed:
- I liked the description of the bumblebees as plump. A very apt decription.
- "Each blossom becomes, A luminous lantern,
Which upon, the wind blows,
Inviting them to take off Into the heavens,
And light the world"
Gorgeous prose
- "Satisfied, they float back down" I love how it transforms them from mere objects to something with a mind all their own.
I came to review "Smile at my similes" but could not find it. I decided to review this one in its place.
Wow! What beautiful imagery you have woven into the poem. You did very well with this one. I had to look up what a houri was (I love learning new things)
Some of my favorite parts:
- "Dressed in prism-hued layers of chifon in ethereal shimmers" It flows off of the tongue. Beautiful prose.
- I also loved how the fall leaves are described as confetti. I am pretty sure I am going to think of this many times when I see them in the future.
I dropped by to review one of your pieces, since you were kind enough to give me an encouraging review of mine.
I have read over a few of your stories and enjoy all of your twist (and sometimes twisted) endings. You obviously enjoy what you do as an author.
Here are some of the things I enjoyed about this story:
- I loved the human feeling of dread. Even though she knew it was silly, that "what if" still hung in her thoughts and influenced her actions. It reminded me of a Twilight Zone episode where a man feared that if he fell asleep, he would die.
- "It was like it was anchored in her mind." I had not heard the analogy before, I like its effectiveness.
- "“Enough!” she blurted out. “This is crazy.” She walked over to the mirror, but kept her eyes on her feet. Taking a deep breath, she raised her eyes to the mirror." I enjoyed how she finally decided to go for it, but she still respected the fear that had gripped her.
____
I do have a suggestion for the ending, though. It was never established previously if it was a helpful or harmful voice ("It’s like that voice is taunting me. Or warning me.")
I wonder, if instead of "there was her tormentor", a reveal something like this:
Gazing into the reflection, a gnarled and withered face rose to meet hers. With horror, Kathi recognized that it was herself at age 108. An ear piercing scream escaped Kathi's lips as figure in the mirror cackled with a hauntingly evil laugh.
In Conclusion:
Great job with a creative story, Angus. I enjoyed your work
Speaking of which, what is your pen name or one of the title of one of those published books? I would love to see it out there (Searching the internet for Angus probably won't get me what I'm looking for)
I thought that I would drop by and post a review of one of your stories, since you were kind enough to do the same for me.
Thank you for posting this. I found it quite enjoyable.
Like a fish, haplessly swimming towards the bait floating in the water, I read it recognizing the type of story that I thought it was. Suddenly, the robbery, the wizard, the reversal of fortune. It was not unlike one of the opening scenes of the movie Jaws, where the girl is jerked down to the water and pulled forcefully from side to side. I loved the feeling of being in the vicious teeth of your narrative.
Some of the things I enjoyed:
- Obviously, I liked how the story twisted and turned.
- The concept of a "Weave Eater" is intriguing. It would be interesting to see that type of a species fleshed out into a longer story. Such amazing power would have to be concealing an important weakness or side effect.
Some thoughts and suggestions:
- "Elliott vented only the minimum necessary information to the man he had pinned against the wall that made up the side of the grocery store." I wonder if reversing the action of pinning him to the wall would make the transition easier to follow? I think it could still keep the "punch" but read a little smoother.
- "The blade Elliott held out to the stranger’s throat was intimidating by itself, but the desperation in his face and tone was what truly gave it an extreme level of danger." Instead of saying "it," which could confuse the reader into thinking you are referring to the knife, how about replacing it with something like "The wicked curve of the knife rested menacingly at the throaat of its victim, but the sheer desperation that permeated Elliot's face and words brought a cold chill of fear that a mere piece of metal could never achieve.
In conclusion:
This was a nice piece. I hope that you found this review helpful and encouraging, All the best to you and yours and of course, keep on writing.
I dropped by to return the favor since you were kind enough to review my piece "What If I Had Octopus Hands"
Your story was about finding contentment in the simple tasks and I enjoyed it. You seem to have a consistent author's voice throughout it. I would categorize it as being talked with as opposed to being talked to. Good job.
Some of the things I liked about it were:
- "The tiny birds fly out and click-click fiercely at me" I have experienced that sound. It immediately brings back memories for me.
- "causes t-shirts to billow in the sunlight" I love the visual
- I like the bit about the changing of the clothes size. That is so true.
Experiencing your kids growing up in front of you is something I can certainly attest to. I get the same feeling when I come across some of the old toddler's clothes I remember them wearing. Way to capture that.
- "they endure my hugs and kisses as they lean down from tall, lanky frames" another great visual.
- "daily needs remain" Common human needs are certainly the great equalizer.
I didn't see any gramatical or spelling errors.
Thank you for sharing your voice. Wishing you all the best.
I'm glad I came across your story. I realize that it is a work of fiction, but I think that you were able to successfully tap into some of the hopes and fears of people hoping to have a child.
Some of the things I enjoyed:
- You started with the action of her clutching her husband's hand. It also brings it into focus that this is a very personal moment that they are sharing together.
- Some good descriptors "scooting, searching, endured, plummeted, ached"
- Just your writing style, in general is pleasant. You do well at it.
Some ideas to consider:
- A small description of the doctor's voice or appearance would have been a nice touch to the beginning of it (ie: With a low, reassuring tone.. In a flat, yet professional voice.. His long white lab coat nearly reached the floor as his stethoscope peeked out from his top pocket..)
- "Daniel for a boy, Amelia for a girl. We’d call her Millie." I was confused by this. The only way I can figure is that she was changing her mind at the last moment. If that is the case, I think I would try and draw more attention to it (you could try "We decided on Daniel if it was a boy and Millie if it was a girl. Actually, Amelia for the girl. No, it would definitely be Millie."
What a tragic ending, but real. My wife and I experienced the death of our first child hours after he was born and tried for years to have another one without success. We ended up adopting, but I can certainly sympathize with your main characters.
I hope that you find my review helpful. Again, great job and keep on writing.
I found your poem with a random click on "read and review". What a beautiful piece. I'm so glad I found it.
Some of the things I enjoyed:
- Your use of smells along with the visuals "the smell of freshly mowed grass mixes delightfully with scents of jasmine and sweet olive." and the sounds "The breeze plays leaf music as it sways the smaller branches of nearby trees to and fro."
- Your use of non-traditional descriptors "absorb, perfection, marred, awash, splashes, sways, engulf" breathes life into the verses
You poured your heart into the piece and it shows. Perhaps your message will get through to others to make a choice to take in the beauty of the moment.
I saw in my feed that you had recently updated this piece, so I thought that I would drop by and give it a look.
I enjoyed the story, of course. It reminded me some of "The Boy With The Melted Face" that I reviewed previously. The protagonist is faced with a disfigurement and is teased and shunned by others.
Some of the things I enjoyed:
- I like the dialogue. It can be difficult to get the "back-woods/down-south" dialect without sounding fake or even at times condescending. Yours seems to ring true, making me think that you have been exposed to plenty of people talking that way in your lifetime.
- I love how my mind completely glossed over the phrase "me and all the dogs got trapped inside" and also what I thought at first to be a weakness in the plot that he had not recognized that it was the same kid that he had saved those years back. I would liken it to me as the reader as a small fly crawling across the pitcher plant of your story, not noticing the jaws of your plot twist slowly enclosing around me. Great job!
I was surprised by the extra twist of cannibalism at the end. Creepy on top of creepy.
Keep on writing and all the best to you and yours!!
Once upon a time there was a giant, bulbous toad who sat somewhat precariously on a rather disgusting looking red and white mushroom. Everyday, he would croak one barbed insult after another to whatever unlucky traveler that would happen to pass by him. One day, a beautiful princess made her way down the road on her horse and the repulsive little amphibian began his usual tirade. Purposefully and gracefully, the princess dismounted her steed and approached the toad. "My dear Sir," she began. "It is quite a disgraceful display of foul behavior that you have wrought upon me." Taking out a magical wand, she promptly thumped it atop his brow. The princess continued, "Because of that, you will shrink in stature for every insult that proceeds from your crooked little mouth, from this day forward." For the few days that followed, the toad learned to curb his slimy, sticky old tongue. It wasn't long, however, until his old habits began to reappear. Just as the princess had warned, the toad began to shrink. Each day he went to sleep just a bit shorter than when had awoken, Until finally, the old toad "blipped" unceremoniously out of existance. No more were weary travellers assaulted by his insults and disparaging comments. All, instead, were just left to ponder the existance of a lonely, hideous mushroom at the side of the path.
Greetings fellow writer. I'm glad that your story came across my path as a suggestion. I enjoyed it very much. I hope that you will find some of my feedback helpful. It is yours of course to do with as you please.
Here are some of the things that I enjoyed.
- I liked how you started the story asking her to take a drink, then circled back to that moment later on in the story. It made the scene much more impactful.
- I like the idea that the main character was able to see through the misdirection of previous explorers and discover the hidden truth. Nice concept.
- I like the suspense of "Who drank the water?" at the end. It got me to wonder about it. I would judge that as successful writing, to be able to engage your reader in that way. Well done.
---
There weren't any punctuation or grammer errors that stood out to me; you have done a good job of editing the piece.
The only one "weakness" I saw was that the conversation of "you take it, no you take it" seemed to stretch on a little too long for my liking. It wasn't terrible, I just think that if you shortened it a bit or varied the argument a bit more, I believe that it would make it more effective.
I came here to provide a review of one one of your pieces, since you were kind enough to review one of mine.
It is obvious that you put a lot of effort into your research of Dr. Sides. I found it interesting to read what you had discovered.
The total amount of questions at the end of the article was a bit overwhelming at first, but it again, demonstrated how much care you had thought about your subject.
Congratulations as well on your "preferred" status. That's an achievement that you have worked hard to obtain. I'm glad that someone took the time to recognize you.
Thank you for sharing your very personal story, Rhyssa.
I looked up what a pantoum was today. Thank you for inspiring me to learn something new. I am not an expert by any means, but it seems to have followed a proper pattern. There were no spelling or punctuation problems that I could tell.
A couple of things that I really enjoyed:
"Where love and strength once ruled your mind. I’m left with tears I must disguise" (beautiful line)
"The grown-up role is mine today" (encapsulates the reality of someone having to take care of someone who used to care for you)
Well done at capturing the pain and reflection of a bittersweet time in a wonderful piece. I would not be surprised if your work will help some who is going or gone through this type of event in their life.
That was quite a jolt at the end. Nicely played. The story grabs you and lingers afterward.
Some of the lines I enjoyed:
"The large candle that he kept lit in the corner of his room flickered brightly, buttering the walls with fluid shadows."
"The eyeball itself was as white as a moonstone and swam beneath his pinched flesh like a loose tooth in a swollen socket."
"his handlebar moustache jumping up and down"
The teacher's quote "we never actually know just how short our time here really is" weighs a bit more ominous on the second read through.
A couple minor things that you may find useful or not:
The twelfth paragraph (The one describing the geography of where he lived) felt kind of lengthy, but I know that it can be hard to balance accurate information with brevity. The only suggestion I could think of is to try and break some of that into smaller pieces and spread it out into the story ie: mentioning the mom working at the hotel, describing the harbor, etc
The line "Mr Arlen quit teaching and took up drinking" inadvertently feels like a rhyme. I wonder if it could change to something like "Mr Arlen gave up on teaching and only found peace (or use the word solace) in a bottle of (insert alcoholic beverage choice here)" Just a thought, mind you.
The other thing is that "moustache" I believe should be spelled "mustache"
As a parent, myself, I can appreciate how you captured some of how a new adventure each day is for a child.
I enjoyed some of the creative phrasing like:
"The umbilical cord
now stretches like a leash"
And
"all danger banished,
until the diapers are abandoned"
You seem to have a real flair for creatively illustrating life around you. Well done.
The only thing that confused me a bit was the first line:
"Teeth glisten white at two
in the afternoon."
It could read either at two (the age), or at two (the time). It may be that it's supposed to have a double meaning, and if so, then that is fine. Otherwise, you could punctuate it or space it differently to avoid any reader confusion.
As always, this is just one person's opinion to take or leave as you choose (and a "Newbie" opinion at that)
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