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128 Public Reviews Given
128 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Troyizen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Your writing is beautiful and easy to read. I'm an amateur writer and read through your whole story. I usually stop a few paragraphs through if I don't like the writing. I can't say I liked the story, though. Not that that's your fault at all. It's my preference for realistic fantasy. I found the story to be without conflict. It seemed the heroines were great at everything and had no problem defeating a dragon or a traitor, I would assume the girl's ages are young. Not to be sexist, the men seem to be pretty weak, and a father, the king, would lock his daughters up first before letting them confront a dragon by themselves. Now, I don't have a reference to what this fantasy world is like. It could be that women are stronger than men because it is a fantasy, after all. It could also be that God has chosen these women to be the world's saviors and is fighting with them. It's a short story, a lot has to be left out, I know. But a king with a kingdom has to have a certain level of fighting skill, as does his army. You could have sent the army out with her and still had her save the kingdom.

Once again, don't take my view as something negative. Your story is how you made it and if you like it, that's all that counts.
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Review by Troyizen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I usually give my characters simple names and then replace them later. The names are not important to begin with. Names are arbitrary at first. I would even say MBTI is, too. (I had to look MBTI up because I disagree with it when writing. I didn't even see negative attributes on there.)

Stop worrying about race unless it's essential to the story. Especially since the story is the hardest part, giving names and labels is the easiest.

If I wrote: The man went shopping, he was Asian, and he bought milk. The Asian race had nothing to do with going to the store. See?

If I wrote: She was Laos's queen, with long black hair and eyes that tell she was of Asian descent. It would make sense to give their race.

You're falling into the trap of making the character's aspects and race the important part of the story when the story should be the important part.

Define your story first.

Don't give up on writing. Start the story and use your guidelines (MBTI) to define their actions.

Torah's adventure began when his grandma gave him a magic mirror that opened into a world beyond science, a world of magic.


I want to see a synopsis for a story, not a character sheet from MBTI.

(It's really easy to change names. Hit Ctrl-F, type in name, and is shows you all the places with that name. Change it over and over again.)
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Review by Troyizen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
That was one of the strangest stories I have ever read. I'm not sure how that would even be done. The writing was good, and the story was, uhm, interesting. Not my cup of tea. I'm the kind of person who yells at the movie screen when something isn't plausible. What about the stomach acid, lack of air, getting past the teeth in the jaws, and knowing that I have problems just swallowing pills?

Kudos for writing it though. Don't let my penchant for normalcy ruin your writing.
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Review of Depression  Open in new Window.
Review by Troyizen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
It's a unique view of Depression. We have it in some degree. Making the small stuff bigger than it actually is.

I saw a cartoon the other day where two people are talking to each other. One person is holding a little black speck in his hand. The one guy looks at him with a smile on his face, points at the speck that seems to be growing on his hand, and says, "What's that?"

The other man says that it is a memory of an incident that I didn't like that happened his morning. As he told his story, the black speck started to spread throughout the man's hand and up his arm, getting bigger.

The other man grabs ahold of his hand and says, "Let it go before it consumes you."

The man shakes his head, allows the blackness to cover his whole body, and then says, "I can't."

That's how I think depression gets you.

Thanks for the poem.
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Review of The Book of Tales  Open in new Window.
Review by Troyizen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Enjoyed the story very much. The idea of having a book that you can live in is great. I'm not sure about living in a book about fairy tales where everyone is placed in danger.

Little Red Riding Hood is not exactly a peaceful story. At some point, a wolf is going to pop out and eat grandma and try to eat you.

Thank's for the story.
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Review by Troyizen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The beginning of a world-building story. I liked the beginning when the races of humankind were split across the world. It reminds me of our world, split into many races, some places becoming melting pots.

Of course, it's a little bit different when a five-hundred-year-old elf's wisdom is pitted against a mere twenty-year-old human. They can't help but look down on them.

I'll read some more of yours and review it.

Thank you.
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Review by Troyizen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I liked your poem.

One that you forgot was the robin. Or at least that's what foretells spring here.

Birds around here also start up what I like to call "Bird Parties" in August and September. They all get together and swoop down to the ground in one big group. Or a giant tree, that hundreds of birds sing from.

Thank you for this poem, it fills a void, that is left by the winter, of birds.
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Review by Troyizen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I liked the story. It takes a special kind of person to kill someone, especially over infidelity. I remember a movie where a lady killed her abusive husband and buried him in the garden. His evil spirit changed her red roses into black roses with deadly thorns and then tried to kill her.

One typo:
but she would need to find some else to help her dig up the rest of the dwindling forsythia’s.

This should be someone

Thanks for the story.
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Review of Blue Gems  Open in new Window.
Review by Troyizen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Interesting poem. Reads well. It reads so well, I read it fourteen times. I repeatedly dissected the words and still have no idea what Blue Gems is. Do I need to? Not really. Is it literally blue gems?

It's like a mystery in a poem. I need to live like the blue gem and eat like the blue gem until I become the blue gem.

Thanks for the poem.
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Review of Venus  Open in new Window.
Review by Troyizen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
From an astronomy viewpoint, Venus is best seen in the sky at twilight or, as you say, horizon blushes.

I'm unsure how to translate embracing a tranquil world, as Venus is anything but tranquil. Maybe it means the skies of Earth are tranquil compared to Venus's as you see it in the crepuscular sky.

It is short but good. Thank you.
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Review by Troyizen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This part of your story was inspirational and heartbreaking at the same time. My wife has had problems with cancer for the past few years. She fought through it and won. It wasn't easy sometimes for either one of us, mostly her. But we were always together, just like you too.

Having a friend who is that close and allowing you into his life and death is a special bond.

Thanks for sharing.

Besides the emotional roller-coaster. The structure of your writing is great and the words are easy to read.
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Review of Sober Life  Open in new Window.
Review by Troyizen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very well written and full of truths. It was easy to read and had many meanings behind the words. Addiction can be a hard thing to remove from your life, but once you do, you always wonder why you ever had it in the first place. Better days ahead.

Thank you.
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Review of Chapter 1  Open in new Window.
Review by Troyizen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
The story was good. The wording is pretty good. The story flow is great, too.

The following is just nitpicking about the story and grammar:

The statement:
before dropping beside him, pale skin shining under the moonlight.

Seems out of place. I'm not sure if she or he has the pale skin. I hope it was him because that would be a bad look for a rogue.

"How much?" Ruri asked, placing the wallet in front of the old woman

I found myself screaming, "That's not how stealing wallets works," after reading the scene with her selling the wallet.

Why is she selling a wallet to the black market? Wouldn't the money inside the wallet be what she is looking for?

"Another wallet, Rari?"
"Yes, it looks to be real leather this time."
"Oh, but it has this pesky money in it again." The old woman tosses the money on the ground. She holds the billfold to the light. A few coins drop to the ground from her vigorous shaking.
"Leather, huh? I think it's sheep gut. 10 coins."

Maybe add some jewels to his pockets that she can sell afterward.

And I'd rather the truth.
 Maybe it should be "And I'd rather have the truth.

You should also use the Line Spacing Icon at the top of the text box. Make it at least 1.4 or 1.6 to separate the sentences better. Highlight all the text, then click on the Icon with a double arrow going up and down with lines next to it. Choose 1.4

Thanks for the story.
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Review by Troyizen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Some constructive criticisms. (I write notes to myself in the reviews, so if the review seems to jump around a lot, it does. I just left the notes in as is)

The premise of the story is good. It needs to be built on.

The story sounds more like a news report of facts than a story. Your characters aren't established enough to distinguish what is going on.

Did the viceroy take over the kingdom, or was he left in charge? If he took over, why is he not the king now? Do people think Queen Marissa, who is actually her sister Olivia, is having relations with the Viceroy? Was the Viceroy's takeover legitamit? If the people think that Olivia is Marissa, wouldn't they hate Marissa for being so evil?

Why is the king so sad about a Merchant dying? Why is Sir Arm still with the king? Why is the king's guard still with the dethroned king?

Why is the drawbridge closed? Is there a town next to the castle? If there is, a closed drawbridge would hamper pedestrian and merchant flow. Why would Marissa place herself in danger by going to confront her doppelganger?

You need to picture the events unfolding in real time and then write them down.

You have all these facts, and you don't let them come out organically, and it becomes muddled.

For Example:
The story now:
Merchants are dying. Posters are on trees. Other merchants say that that merchant is bad. The king cried over these merchants.

Rewrite: The half-eaten body was found in the pig sty next to the two culprits who were charged to get rid of the body. The two pigs had eaten their fill of the dead but had left the head and torso intact. The gruesome leftovers were easily identifiable.

"It's that family merchant who gives the free bread to the poor," said the constable.

"Did he fall into the pen?" asked a man who couldn't mind his own business.

"No, he doesn't live around here." Holding his breath, the constable grabbed the remains and flipped him over. A busted arrow in the back gave him the clue he wanted.

"It was murder!" said another passerby.

"Who could have done that to this man?"

"Wasn't he the dethroned King's brother? Maybe that tyrant, the viceroy, did it!"

Take your time with the characters. I know you have all these things you want to do with them, and you know them intimately in your head. The reader needs to learn about them and their history slowly. The story does not need to jump around so much.

It could start like this:
It starts off with two people talking in a bar about the kingdom. They're afraid to talk too loud, and they start to whisper. The King/Ex-King and Sir Arm walk in and sit down. Nobody recognizes them, and they hear the story.

Telling history can be entertaining and educational.


Other notables:

It looks as if you replicated the story of the drawbridge.

There were a lot of inconsistencies, too. It looked like it was storming by the bridge at one point, and the people could still talk to each other across the drawbridge. Unless the king lived alone in the castle, a drawbridge would only be closed if someone attacked it.

At one point, the Queen is at the castle, and then the story says she is stopped at the drawbridge.
"The queen's coach has arrived with the honour guard of the king. The guards did not say a
word as they rode into the kingdom's gates."


It needs some work. I'm sorry if I offended you. If you have some notes on what you want to tell, the characters, and what the plot is, I might be able to offer some help.
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Review by Troyizen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoyed your story; the twist at the end was good. You get rewarded for having the most commas in one sentence (eight) I have ever seen. At first, the plot is a little troupe: Fighting a wizard, finding his weakness, and killing him. But finding out it was from a youngster's mind, knowing that is how I thought when I was young, made it that better.

Thank you.
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Review of ADOBO  Open in new Window.
Review by Troyizen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for the recipe. I've never tried Adobo before. I'll try it soon.

Thank you and have a happy life!
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Review of Nightmare Days  Open in new Window.
Review by Troyizen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Nice scary poem. We're a long way from Halloween, but it makes me feel like I am there.

I had to look up some words, which, to me, is a plus. Wheeling will be at the top of my vocabulary when I see bats next time. Malefic and limned were also looked up in the dictionary and checked. Nice!

I only have one problem, though. Rictus is define as a noun, not an adjective. So you're basically saying, "with gruesome grin grin."

I'm not an expert by any means. I enjoyed my stay.
Thank you.
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Review of A Story Told  Open in new Window.
Review by Troyizen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I enjoy your poem in the entertainment way, not in an I get off on death way.

I can never decide if it's "With a boy in the streets" or "With a boy on the streets"

Thanks for the poem.
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Review of Tainted People  Open in new Window.
Review by Troyizen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoyed your story immensely. It was almost like a parable from the bible.

I always wonder how those YouTube influencers get videos of themselves getting out of their car and saving a kitten on the side of the road. Do they always have the camera on? Did they see the kitten and take the time to get their cameras ready to film before they saved the kitten? Did they stage the kitten in the rain so it looks like they are doing a good deed?

Some people need acknowledgement of saving someone. They need other people to see it, so they can act like they're good.

Thanks for the story.
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Review by Troyizen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
One of my problems when reviewing stories and poems is the content. Everyone is a little biased when they read something. If you read something that contains horror and hate it, you will vote it lower. I always try to find a poem or story I like reading. It makes it easier to grade.

I could never be a normal reviewer. It's hard to read what you don't like.
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Review of A Hot Bath  Open in new Window.
Review by Troyizen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thanks for the poem. What kind of poem is that? I'm new to reading them.

The thing I hate about baths is the time limit they have. As a middle child, I was always last to get into the bath. The water was drawn for either my older sister or my younger brother. After they had fouled up the water and allowed the temperature to become lukewarm, it was my turn to bathe. I took a few minutes of lathering and rising and then departed. The shower was a godsend for me. Never a cold bath again.

I enjoyed your poem. Thank you.
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Review by Troyizen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wonderful short story. It was a little too short.

The wording in this sentence:
They sure were a delight to see, making my heart feel light at the sight of them


I'm not an English major, but the word "my" should be "her".

Lily and she are used throughout the story. When you placed "my" in there, it sound like the author is in the story.

Thanks again for the story. Keep it up.
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Review by Troyizen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I read your poem, but I don't quite understand it. Let me try too.

The butterfly did not look back as it flew away
(Adulthood and independence?)

The caterpillar just watched as the butterfly flew away
(I have to imagine that this sentence isn't to be taken literally because the caterpillar can never see the butterfly fly away because it's the butterfly. Maybe it is a child that doesn't want to grow up? Or see their carefree days as a child be over with adult problems.)

And the butterfly did not look back as it flew away from the caterpillar and did not look back.
(I don't know if you meant to repeat 'did not look back' twice or not. This might mean that as adults, we must move away from our childhood, spread our wings, and fly. The extra did not look back, accentuating the growing old.)

I think I get it now, after dissecting the poem, line by line. It's about growing up and giving up Christmas presents, birthday presents, mom and dad paying the bills, and rent. Even though flying is great, just once in a while, I'd like to be the caterpillar again.

-Thank you
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Review by Troyizen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This was a nice story. It's a little out of my wheelhouse, storywise, but entertaining. My cousin's mom was like this, and those children got beat almost every day. My aunt usually always had a reason, unlike the mother in your story. It seems a little callous of his aunt to say that right in front of everyone, almost like she wanted to be heard.

The spelling and wording were good too.

Thank you.
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Review of Gone fishing  Open in new Window.
Review by Troyizen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Nice short story. I enjoyed reading it very much. I live by Lake Michigan, and we have had many a person drown from getting pulled out. Even if you know how to swim, fighting that undertow is hard.

The words "in the boiling ocean" I thought were wrong and should have been "in the roiling ocean," but then I looked up the word boiling, and one of the definitions meant "fiercely churning or swirling."

I learn something new every day.

Thank you.
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