You've got this one summized. Your descriptions lead the reader right to where you are going with this. It's interesting writing. I like it. It's creative. It reminds me of Aesop's fables. Here you have a great opportunity to teach with this style. The story has many uses.
Decide on a focus. It sounds to me like two things are at play here. A parting relationship and a fading hope. This should not be a religious poem. Dreams are illustrative. Writing is descriptive. What do these two players look like. Help the reader follow the dream not the thought.Dreams are meant to end.This poem could have a continuance.Don't let down your readers.
You've respected yourself and what you feel about this perspective.I commend and applaud you.Vary your rythmn and choice of words.The idea is there.You know what you are talking about.You may want to also write this from a married viewpoint and also the standpoint of a smaller child.
Watch your punctuation.
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