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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/turbulent
Review Requests: OFF
14 Public Reviews Given
14 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Harsh but fair - though generally encouraging. I will be critical. I tend to take one point at a time and suggest corrections it as an example before relating it to the work as a whole (though I will also fully review the work as a whole). I do also take the good points of the writing style and story and say why they're so good and how you can utilise them better. I am also willing to suggest ideas /directions for potentially furthering a story and highlight the problems you could encounter later on.
I'm good at...
I can fix grammar. I can discuss ideas and I am a university level science student so I can discuss technicalities in a magic or sci-fi system (I'm a smart guy).
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Mystery, Sci-fi, action/adventure, paranormal, etc.
Least Favorite Genres
Eh, I think most things can be interesting to read, even if I don't immediately like the context.
Favorite Item Types
short stories, novels, books
Least Favorite Item Types
diaries
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of STRANGE World  Open in new Window.
Review by E Duckworth Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Minor fixes in chronological order:

Then whoever had awoken me NO COMMA spoke again. (You have a tendency to insert commas in the middle of sentences when they aren't always needed. Don't worry, I do this as well. The trick is to read the sentence back out loud and se if there is a definite pause there. if not - no comma.)

The device has to HAVE succeeded

this will emit a recreation zone TO comfort you."

having no idea what they were for or did(NOT A QUESTION) I touched all the equipment and every surface of the complex cabinets! I was ready to give up and go back to sleep, to wake up in my real world, when I heard a noise. (BETTER without exclamation, perhaps leave a line-break to create suspense instead.)

"SavageCOMMA move backEXCLAMATION so I can decipher the code and produce your secret message." (Speech is where you can afford to use more exclamation and timing to ensure the character has a good voice)

the virtual computer has been secretly shrouding you from those dangerous aliens WHO CAME from beyond the stars.

speak the alien tongUE through you

this should keep you hidden from THOSE deadly planet over throwers.

white light that was brightER than a thousand sUns

that bizarre A.I machine --> I'd <-- created

As the mile long space freighter leisurely drifted over envoi 1, this had been England and Europe, but now been turned into a colossal metropolis, while I; Savage Ink tried to pay attention to the King alien, surveyed the distorted landscape. (This sentence is far too long. Break it up).

Review:

Ok, I can see how you derived this from the song. However, is in definite need of a thorough proof read; there are more errors than I picked up on above that could do with sorting.

The premise is interesting, though the whole message is unclear because the plot is hard to grasp. This is due to the language and style used throughout. The use of complex vocabulary is good, however this is perhaps an overuse as you result in convoluting sentences to fit in the more precise terms. I mention this as I worry it will put off other readers who may not be able to understand what is happening... and give up.

However, this is a community where your writing doesn't have to appeal to the masses and the style does lend the text an eerie vibe. This does fit with the song, which I had playing in the background as I read. So, if that's what you were going for, so be it. I personally don't dislike the style.

Feel free to message me back if you want anything else cleared up, and I can come back and re-review if you read through and fix the errors I have mentioned.

E Duckworth
2
2
Review by E Duckworth Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Ok, some minor adjustments need to be made, for example:

The sun was setting, painting the fields of wheat scarlet red. Brent stood for a moment and reclining on his scythe AND swept his brow. Another day of honest work came to an end. This was the toughest job he ever did, but he didn't complain. He would soon be home with his beautiful wife and his amazing baby. Him, a father, who could believe that (QUESTION)? All this (NO COMMA) was more than he could ever hope for. In a nutshell Brent was happy.

Etc. (Don't worry just needs a clear proof read to correct the grammar and spelling. Try reading it out loud and see if it sounds right)

Otherwise, seems an interesting read. The idea of a man who's completely given up his old life is strong. Though I did find the constant switching of names confusing. Perhaps divide Dreminor and Brent's thoughts into separate paragraphs or something?

Keep on writing!
3
3
Review of The Lamp  Open in new Window.
Review by E Duckworth Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I like it. Its nice, leaving you more content with the characters hopes and innocence that frustrated with their stupidity.

Still I feel some of the key moments could have been paced or expanded upon a little better. For example: ""Is that your wish?" The genie asked in such a way that made Jenna wonder why he was locked in the lamp in the first place." Is pivotal moment and I think the genie could have been made to sound suddenly far more sinister. How did he say the words exactly? Was he doing anything as he said them etc. The grin and pointy teeth and "That is no concern to you" add to the effect but I feel it would have been a better moment if more had been described.

Thanks for the read. Keep on writing!
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