Sorry for asking which was yours - I didn't realise you only had one item.
This is a very hard to read piece, mostly because of the lack of grammar, punctuation and spacing. The first thing you need to do to improve this is add paragraphs! As a reader, you start to go a little cross-eyed trying to read something as just a big block of words.
That said, this has the potential to be quite a decent piece of writing. But there is a lot of work needed to fix it up. I apologise for not going through and correcting things line by line. I would be happy to do so or pass you along to someone else, but as it would be very time-consuming, I would need something from you to say that you would actually take note and change things! I say that because a lot of your mistakes simply seem careless, and I think if you wrote with more of a perfectionist view, you would produce better work.
This review is for your Round 6 entry into "Invalid Item" !
Spelling/Grammar
I found no errors, but though I know it's not necessary, I do think punctuation would really push this piece further.
Structure/Flow
It is structured well, and flows fairly well in most places. There were only a few times where I felt like the rhythm was lost a little.
Favourites
I love the imagery in this. Really, truly beautiful!
Overall Impression
Overall, I really enjoyed this. It gave me beautiful images in my mind.
This review is for your Round 6 entry into "Invalid Item" !
Spelling/Grammar
Mostly good! I only have a few minor things to point out. I think there should be a capital at the start of: "find a new dress and find a new house!" and a period at the end of: With a smile on her face; "I'll entertain a man"
Structure/Flow
I felt the structure and flow of this piece are flawless! You have quite the talent when it comes to rhyming.
Favourites
I enjoyed it all, but my favourite would have to be the first verse. Very well written!
Overall Impression
I really enjoyed this. I like your style, and the way you present a story within your poetry. I don't really think it fits into the 'comedy' genre at all though. It's bittersweet more than anything.
This review is for your Round 6 entry into "Invalid Item" !
Spelling/Grammar
I see no errors!
Structure/Flow
I really liked the way this was structured so neatly and flowed smoothly. The only part that felt slightly out of beat was the second verse, but other than that, it was wonderful!
Favourites
The pride and strength in this is definitely my favourite. The way you've poured your heart into this really makes the poem what it is.
Overall Impression
A great poem dedicated to your heritage. I thoroughly enjoyed it!
This review is for your Round 5 entry into "Invalid Item" !
Spelling/Grammar
Very good in both areas.
Structure/Flow
I like the structure of this, the coloured bold text works well and it flows well. I thought in places, it could've flowed better but for the most part, I liked it.
Favourites
I liked the passion you put into this, literally and metaphorically.
Overall Impression
Overall, a very well-written poem! Good work.
This review is for your Round 5 entry into "Invalid Item" !
Spelling/Grammar
I don't see any problems.
Structure/Flow
I liked the structure of this, especially the single line right at the end - separating it really brought it home. It flowed well, rhyming and keeping up a rhythm at a good pace.
Favourites
The personal level at which you wrote this was probably my favourite aspect. It really drove the piece.
Overall Impression
Overall, I thought this was a sad but very well-written poem. From the heart.
This review is for your Round 5 entry into "Invalid Item" !
Spelling/Grammar
I think this poem is good in terms of both spelling and grammar, but I think it would benefit from some more punctuation. You could read through it and add in commas and periods where it sounds appropriate.
Structure/Flow
It is structured satisfactorily and flows quite well.
Favourites
My favourite part was the second stanza:
"It cannot heal
Believe me
It's tried
But as soon as it starts to,
You walk by me
And it shatters once more."
It rhymes and flows smoothly, and because of this it stood out to me. The imagery is also wonderful here.
I also liked the imagery of:
"Lost in a sea of a thousand broken hearts
They've broken right in front of my eyes."
Overall Impression
Overall, I thought this was a good, yet sad, poem.
This review is for your Round 5 entry into "Invalid Item" !
Spelling/Grammar
I don't see any issues.
Structure/Flow
The structure of this piece is satisfactory and it flows quite well to the reader. It flows a little better in the start, I felt, and loses it a little in the middle. But a strong start!
Favourites
The raw emotion poured into this really stood out to me. It really drove the poem.
Overall Impression
Overall, I think this is a well-written piece of poetry and truly comes from the heart. Very well expressed. Good job!
This review is for your Round 5 entry into "Invalid Item" !
Spelling/Grammar
I don't see any spelling errors. I had a slight issue with your punctuation/capitalization. I wasn't sure what was happening with with the capitals at the start of sentences - I tend to think capitals should be after a period on the line before and if there is a comma, it should be a little letter. But the problem I had is that your placement of commas was a bit random - there in some places, not in others.
Structure/Flow
The structure is unconventional but I have no problems with it. It flowed well for a non-rhyming piece but I think in places it dropped the flow a little.
Favourites
This would have to be my favourite part:
"Letting it carry us
far over the rainbow;
never bringing us back again."
Structure/Flow
The structure is very good and it flowed well, however, I did have some problems following the rhythm occasionally. I think this is probably a syllable thing, not that I have sat and counted them! But overall, I have few complains about the flow!
Favourites
I loved the last stanza. It is hopeful and closes the poem on a happy, though bittersweet, note. For me, this last stanza flowed better than the others and really finished the poem on a strong note.
Overall Impression
Overall, I really like it. It is bittersweet, yet filled with hope and happier days ahead. I really felt the emotion you poured into this and it really propelled it forward.
The one thing I was unsure of though, was the images that are also included. I didn't really feel they were necessary, but it's really up to the author.
Awww, this is sweet. It brought a smile to my face even with its sense of loss. It flowed really well and I read it with having to re-read anything or try and understand it. It is simple, to the point and very beautiful.
My favourite lines are as follows:
I can't give them anything when
I gave everything to you
Good job!
Twink
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Invalid Item"
Spelling/Grammar
No major problems here other than the last four or five lines seem to be missing punctuation again!
Structure/Flow
I thought this flowed really well and the structure is good also. The only part I wasn't sure of was '...with a pretty intelligent intelligence'. I read this over a few times and I still can't make sense of it. What are you trying to say?
Favourites
I smiled at this: '...who left his intelligence somewhere between a martini and a intelligent conversation.' Best line of the whole piece!
Overall Impression
I took a look at this and thought immediately that I am going to get sick of the word 'intelligence' - but I didn't! I think this is a really clever poem and I love the way you subtly personalize the word 'intelligent' and turn it into its own being. It's...well...intelligent!
Write On!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Invalid Item"
Spelling/Grammar
I actually felt this piece could work without punctuation. I can see why you've put the comma and two periods where you have, but instead of helping it they just make it more obvious that the rest of the piece is lacking punctuation. However, as the phrases are not necessarily connected in true sentence form, I think leaving punctuation out of this would be good. Does that make sense?! Just an opinion though, so take what you like.
Also, 'bittersweet' should be one word not two.
Structure/Flow
Since this is such a short piece, I really think separating it into two stanzas would be good. If you split it after 'isolation' you will create two four-line stanzas and I think this will really help it look longer and more substantial.
Favourites
Like your other piece, I can feel your emotion in this also. I particularly liked the feel of the opening line, 'Puzzling mood on a late afternoon'.
Overall Impression
Overall, I thought this was good albeit a little short.
Write On!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Invalid Item"
A couple things: On the last line, you missed the apostrophe in "I'm". There's a bit of random capitalization happening. Sometimes you've capitalized the start of a sentence, sometimes you haven't. I think it would look and flow a lot better if you fixed this. Same thing with the commas.
Structure/Flow
The structure is a little unconventional with the long stanza in the middle, but I think it works regardless. It flows quite well from a reader's point of view.
A suggestion here would be to split the line 'I would walk into the moment that is trapped within your embrace' so that line doesn't stand out so much from being longer than the others. It would improve the overall first impression of your poem, I think.
Favourites
You have an incredible way with words! I love so much of this.
In particular: In the scorching reality of flagrant resentment. I would then pass moments with you and stroll back to them at my own ease...
Overall Impression
Overall, I thought it was very well-written with only a few small problems.
Write On!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Invalid Item"
Spelling/Grammar
Overall, pretty good. The only thing I noticed is that you had punctuation throughout, except the last four lines.
Structure/Flow
For a non-rhyming poem, I still managed to feel a sense of flow. There's a story you're trying to tell and I can hear what you're trying to say. I thought the structure was a little askew though. There's no real form, but having said that, it doesn't always matter.
Favourites
I liked the raw emotion you inserted into this. It feels like you are really pouring your heart into this and that you truly are restless and hurt. And maybe a little confused too...
Overall Impression
Overall, I thought this was good in terms of emotion. From a technical aspect, it probably needs a little more work.
Write On!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Invalid Item"
Awww, these are very cute! Very good quality and great designs. I'm particularly fond of the third one down and the tiger one. Probably a little bit pricey for me at the moment but I'm glad I saw them because I may come back!
These lyrics are really great. I can really feel the story you are trying to tell, and I think it would well as a song. I can't entirely hear the music in my mind as I read it, but I can imagine it working really well as a piano ballad type song. On a poetry level, it flows nicely and rhymes well to keep the beat.
I like the way you worked with the idea of rain being both a gloomy, yet a hopeful thing. I love rain. It can really play with your emotions sometimes.
This is really excellent. You have a lovely, readable writing style, and I was captivated most of the way through. I thought the plotline maybe got a little lost in parts - such as, her brother kissing her but then nothing else happened with that. And I wasn't sure whether or not you were hinting at a greater, underlying problems other than Lena being your typical angsty teen.
I also had a slight problem with the way the story moved in places.
She could hear her older brother pacing in his room upstairs - this comes early on in the story, yet you haven't introducted "she." I was a little confused, as if I had skipped over a part where you had mentioned her. The description of the dinner table scene is written like a 'fly on the wall' description, but then you move into first person perspective with no warning. Maybe say 'Lena' instead of using a personal pronoun?
She rises to her feet with a snort of derision and walks over to the girl - the same thing here. In the dialogue above this, you have said "Mr. and Mrs. Hornsby" and then continued on with "she." I think it would be better to say "Mrs. Horsby" or even "Lena's mother."
Just a few suggestions. Overall, an excellent piece and I really love your use of lyrics.
Spelling/Grammar
Very good. Punctuation this time! It looks prettier.
Structure/Flow
Also very good. I read through this without pausing once, which is a very good sign for me as my mind tends to wander and get bored within seconds.
Favourites
All of it. The first stanza in particular really drew me in. The sense of wanting and clinging to something really stood out clearly for me.
Overall Impression
After I finished reading this, I went "oooh." haha. It's really beautiful, and after reading the final line, everything above it came together and made sense. I felt I could really relate to what you were writing about.
Spelling/Grammar
Both very good. It depends on your style I guess, but some punctuation (commas and periods where a thought continues or ends) may help this piece not just sound good but look good as well.
Structure/Flow
It's structured very traditionally with clear and even stanzas, and I really like this aspect. I've always been a fan of structured poems because so often, non-structured ones seem a bit lost. It also helps with the flow, which I think it has done here. Your rhyming seemed to come and go a lot. The first stanza doesn't rhyme, then the last two lines in the second rhyme, and then the second and fourth line rhyme in the third stanza. But it still seemed to work, and flow relatively well, so for that I give you props.
Favourites
The imagery. My favourite verse would have to be the fourth. Even though it doesn't rhyme, I felt it flowed very well (probably because of the syllable count). And I could just relate to that bit.
Overall Impression
Overall, I can tell you have a great writing style as this is the first I have read from you. I was a little unsure what it was about, but when you're using imagery, I think that adds to the beauty of it. It gives it depth and something to dwell on, as you ponder various meanings.
Structure/Flow
Very well done! It is structured neatly, and rhymes in a way that allows the reader to follow along without having to re-read anything or lose track.
Favourites
You definitely speak the truth. I, too, am contantly amazed by the wonder and creation of God.
Overall Impression
Simply beautiful. Very well set-out and paced. I can't find a single thing wrong.
Spelling/Grammar
Both of these were pretty good, except that you're missing two commas on 'way' and 'gray' in the second and third stanzas respectively.
Structure/Flow
Great and even better. The structure is fine, and the rhythm and flow blew my mind away. It flows SO well! The pace is steady throughout the entire piece, and this makes it really easy to follow along and read.
Favourites
I love the picture you painted. It's so beautiful. I think my favourite stanza was definitely the first. It was the stand-out, and really captures the reader from the very beginning. I also liked the way you kept returning to the 'blue and gray' theme.
Overall Impression
Overall, I thought this was a very well-written, beautiful poem.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.14 seconds at 6:40am on Nov 05, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Twink
On the last line, you missed the apostrophe in "I'm".
She could hear her older brother pacing in his room upstairs - this comes early on in the story, yet you haven't introducted "she." I was a little confused, as if I had skipped over a part where you had mentioned her. The description of the dinner table scene is written like a 'fly on the wall' description, but then you move into first person perspective with no warning. Maybe say 'Lena' instead of using a personal pronoun?