Jill, I like the progression of your story, and the ending is very well done. Remind me never to get on your bad side. Don't want to deal with that payback. (big grin goes here!)
I have one suggestion for you to consider. The piece starts slow and builds to a dramatic and exciting end. See if you can craft a hook in the opening paragraph to draw in the reader. Something that will engage them and keep them reading to your fine finish.
Also found a typo in your fourth paragraph. The phrase "at least is" should be "at least it".
Keep up the good work. The best way to improve your writing is to write, so keep at it.
This poem was a delight and very humorous. Thanks for sharing your "embrarassing" moment with us. I don't have any recommendations for you as I like it the way it is. It reads well, sets the scene and imagery with aplomb, and leads us the end with anticipation.
Congratulations on winning the daily writers cramp. Your excellent poem is very deserving of the honor.
Wow! This woke me up just reading it. There is a tight punch to the lines that grabbed hold of me like a great cup of coffee. Made me wish I was still an "addict".
The rhyming couplets on every other line work well and enhance the tempo nicely. My favorite part are the lines "The caffeine’s now surging Into my grey matter!" Can you feel the love?
This is a well crafted "short short". I like how the story develops. You paint vivid images with your words. My only suggestion would be to find a different expletive for Henry to use when his Springfield misfires. I think that "snap" is a fairly recent modern exclamation.
I'm not realy a dancer but I do enjoy a slow dance with my love. Your poem has captured the essence of two people in love and in each others arms. They unite with the music as they dance together. Assuming nobody steps on someones toes :)
There are a couple of spots where the words seem a little uncomfortable with each other. Try reading your poem out loud, to yourself or someone else, and you will feel the hitches in the rhythm.
A delightful and well written piece. You paint wonderful pictures in my mind with your words. Fall was a favorite time of mine when I lived in New England. Pictures and words often fail to capture or communicate the beauty of a landscape glowing with color. You have distilled the essense of Fall and the contrast of the vibrant colors with the starkness of approaching winter. Thank you!
Excellent example of linking. This should be required reading for all of the newbies. I especially liked the explainations followed by graphics of the results. I found this to be very helpful when comparing what is displayed for the various link types. Thanks for a solid introduction to this important aspect of Writing.com!
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