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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tyranno
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7 Public Reviews Given
27 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Squander  Open in new Window.
Review by Sean Conklin Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
quite morbid, i must say! with that, however, i must applaud. It was good. The only negative thing i say is that it might be slightly too wordy. It took me a doubletake of some of the sentences to realize what they actually said (though i read fast so that could just be carelessness on my part). Wordiness can make or break a story. Also, i know it is short, but perhaps try to make it more of a story, perhaps with a set beginning middle or end. Though, the way you wrote it certainly makes it easy to see the point. It works for it, and the beginning middle and end are there, just not important enough to be obvious. i guess that isnt the point though? it's the theme.
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Review by Sean Conklin Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This has an eerie and dark air to it, and to be honest it was a little disappointing. For what it was, it was great, but the sophistication of the ideal i feel would have been served with a better style. I mean, generally stories with first person narrative by children demand a simpler, younger voice, and that's fine, but it could have been done slightly differently, i think. What i mean is the idea seems more mature than the voice, yet it is interesting to see a young voice in the dark idea. Also, i found the use of the word about in that earlier paragraph to be too much. Especially since the word was used in two consecutive sentences. Makes it seem like you were trying too hard (i feel like using about in that context isn't common).

But that's just one persons opinion. Good luck and i really enjoyed it, whatever you take from the comments.
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