I enjoyed your poem greatly; while poetry is not my area of specialty, this one flowed very well and was easy to read. That said i didn't find it too simplistic either; with good writing I always want to writer to know more than me on what they're writing and to always be one step ahead; and you were.
If I were to be constructive, for your benefit only, I would say that the verse on Egypt didn't make a lot of sense to me; maybe my lack of historical knowledge. Perhaps the cultural reference in this could be made a little clearer? As I said, it might just be my misinterpretation.
Hello EvilDawg. I just read your story and really enjoyed it. You've got a good command of the English language and control the written word very well, with ease. I like your confidence, in other words.
Your story is well paced and keeps the reader generally interested, constantly offering bits and pieces to entice us along. I expected a twist - that this woman was, perhaps, a predator, but I wasn't sure of the direction or outcome, which was good. I think you could improve the story a little by painting Faye the 'prey' in the storyline - attractive, desirable and yet vulnerable to the suave David. In this manner the ending would be more of a surprise and a little more satisfying.
Also remember; the Vampire genre has been done to death (pun not intended) and you need to perhaps find something unique and different to single this story out. For example; I expected Faye might be a high class prostitute - if you set her up to be as such, then you create a female character who preys on deviant predatory male-types and thus you're creating a different sort of dynamic subtext for the overall story.
Also, I really liked your avid descriptions, they brought the story alive really well. I would just watch out for the use of cliches like: "She glowed with beauty". While you do have a myriad of original description, description needs to be animated and lively, and cliches will always get lost on the reader.
Hi Markymark. I like your story; it presents a solid idea that's interesting and well structured. You've a strong sense of voice and your manner of telling is animated and very readable.
To improve the story a little, I would suggest making the writing a little tighter - especially the opening couple of lines, which are somewhat awkward to read. Also, it's fairly easy to see the twist coming about mid-way through. Maybe consider placing a red herring into the story to put readers off - I questioned why this story jumped away to a church and a funeral, and it became pretty clear when Big and Small mention a missing wife... Maybe put that sub-plot at the end of the story, to reveal the otherwise enigmatic details of the main plot... that's just an idea anyway.
Overall, your story only requires a little tweaking and your storytelling abilities appear solid: good luck with your writing in the future.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tyson1
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.06 seconds at 1:01am on Jun 06, 2025 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
