When JIM looks up and states "I'll have an orange juice, please"
Right when Amy smiles at him, Amy can no longer be off screen.
The audience would need to be able to see Amy's face, in order to
confirm the smile.
Is Jim asking Amy, "Are you new?"
- while she is pouring the juice, or
- just when she finished pouring the juice?
When any of the actors or actresses is having a conversation or any form
of dialogue, have either the speaker, or listener, do something!
Besides talk or listen. Have them fidget around, sway their weight, make
their actions natural though. Then again, there are some things in directing
that shouldn't require to be put on script. I.E: The conversation between
Jim and Amy right after Amy asks Jim if she seemed nervous. Although the
screenwriter technically doesn't have to, at least put something in the
directions saying do what's natural, don't just stand there, just move.
When Jim mentions that he takes this flight all the time, he announces someone by the name of Julie who works 1st class. How is it that Amy seems to know which Julie Jim is talking about? She doesn’t even ask which Julie.
Also, a flight attendant as a job probably would make it rather difficult to spend quality time with family.
How exactly are you planning on incorporating the flames which are emitting from the engine farthest from Jim which he would have to be able to see still? In certain places, having a live fire as part of a play is illegal.
Is the explosion supposed to be audible to the audience? If so, do you have a general ideal what decibel the explosion would probably be?
A plane descending like a bullet, (wouldn’t the plane be spiraling down on an axial as it has basically has only a wing and a 3rd left?) make it rather difficult to stand?
How are you going to emulate seeing the interior of an airplane dwindle down rapidly that of a bullet?
On the Monitor:
- Wait. This is supposed to be a play, right? So how exactly is the audience going to be able to see what’s on the monitor of Jim’s laptop? Unless there’s a voice reading what Jim is typing on his monitor, the actor/actress does not need to know what Jim is typing. You don’t need the section about the monitor if else.
The way you have things set up before EXT FOREST – DAY makes it that this script would do better onscreen, not as a stage performance. For example: The whole scene where Jim is typing is alright, but pointless if you want the audience to know what he is typing. Cinematic solves the issue of perspective.
EXT FOREST – DAY:
So you have an open theater.
The part where Rita basically refuses to file a lawsuit for her husband’s (Jim’s) death (assuming he died) is touching, yet even if Rita doesn’t want to be a hypocrite, isn’t her actions @ the time a bit too perfect? While I do agree with her on some parts, a parent in such a situation isn’t likely to behave as Rita did in this day and age. It’s alright from a story point of view, just not too realistic or far off.
Ok, WHO PUTS ON 3 WATCHES!?! Does anybody normal do that?
I’ve been reading this script up to the point ‘ Frank’s first introduction, and I just now noted a cast of characters (just the ones the audience needs to know) is missing. A screen director isn’t going to want to have to read thru the entire script or so just to calculate how many actors or actresses would satisfy a basic count.
Amaxophobia. Huh. I was pretty sure there was a fear of driving, and a more specific one on the fear of driving in cars. + 1 to flowery language.
Progress, I’ve made it to the part where the bus Stan was riding broke down. This is rather long. I’m wondering if you had originally broke this script up into multiple parts, uploaded them, had others reviewed each part, acted upon their advice, then assembled all the improvements you thought you could make into what I’m reviewing right now. On the other hand this might only seem long because right now, I’m reading your script on screen, not paper.
Homeless Guy, a being that lives to torment Stan. By Golly! This guy’s whole purpose is just to harass Stan, I recon.
There’s something about the man that puts her
on edge and she watches him in the mirror. Her sixth sense
kicks in as she catches him staring back at her with a
menacing look. He pulls his right hand out of his pocket:
it’s wrapped around the butt of a gun.
Normally something that would be hard to see in-detail wouldn’t require specifics. A gun though, do you want just any kind of handgun (fake or unloaded, les you want to suffer some serious repercussions & a handgun since that type would be the most feasible for what the man intends to do. Note: The handgun may also be automatic) or does it not matter to you?
On the subject of weapons, the performer’s safety is part of the director’s responsibility.
Ok, I think it’s safe to say Stanley is the protagonist, and if not, he’s definitely whom this play revolves around. I’m @ the part where Rita berates him for hijacking the bus.
Overall, while the way this script plays out in terms of dialogue and action, is plausible, (Trite, yes. Could happen, definitely) I can recommend certain things be modified about the way the script reads in addition to some of the drawbacks I found within the play itself.
For starters, you can try to estimate how long this play should roll out at bare minimum. Put a time frame of how long each scene should take in general. Improvising shouldn’t really have to be said, though I guess I’ve been giving instruction tips on the production overall.
To me, it doesn’t matter much if this ideal is original. The nuances are too bland for me to notice. In other words, this seems like a typical film ideal. I do find the lack of references to intercourse appealing. I also liked how it is that the homeless guy would appear to be the one telling the story in truth. And with that I shall give my score for the following:
Believability ‘characters = 74%
Plot strength = it’s there, 72%
Overall instructions = 68%
I don’t see how this wouldn’t make a film, nor do I see anything overly special about it anyways.
|
| (4.5)
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