What a nice, clever read. Your character is instantly likable, and the piece reads quite smoothly. It entertains and offers a sense of familiarity that makes it easy to relate to.
A small suggestion for the first paragraph...
"I was watching his hands move almost wonderingly. He concentrated on his hands."
The use of the word hands in consecutive lines seems a little redundant. Is there a way to mix it up a little bit so they aren't so close together?
Overall, this piece was really fun to read. You have a knack for this style of writing. I am a big fan of these types of stories--bordering on being plot-less (in a good way!) with emphasis on character development. I look forward to seeing more in the future!
First Impression: This piece has an interesting description.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling
Overall Score: 5 STARS
Specifics:
You opt to eliminate almost all punctuation (contractions being the exception). Because you do so consistently, I gave you five stars since I noticed no errors.
Comments
Your subject matter is intriguing and leaves room for personal interpretation.
You have several quite memorable lines. I was particularly impressed with the final two: "the melancholy mistress/of the truth which never ends" Very interesting.
Suggestions
Do consider playing with punctuation. I can see some areas that might benefit from it. For example, you could offset the word "father" in the fourth stanza to add effect.
A few of the stanzas seem like they could use a little more attention. Stanza four lacks the same strength that the others do, and the one following it has a fifth line where every other only has four. Consider tightening up these so that the poem keeps its flow.
Final Comments: The piece is thought-provoking and enjoyable to read. With some minor editing, it could easily be a very impressive poem.
First Impression: The poem reads comfortably. I also like the presentation. It's a nice "shape."
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling
Overall Score: 4.5 STARS
Specifics:
I only question your use of hyphens after the words "echoing" and "consumed." They seem unnecessary, if not slightly distracting.
Comments
For the most part, the poem reads smoothly. I didn't find myself caught up on words that didn't quite fit.
I appreciated the variety in sentence length. It prevented the poem from feeling repetitive.
Most of your imagery is effective.
Suggestions
Consider making the less effective imagery a little more intense. At times it feels slightly bland, and stronger word choice could help this poem become more powerful. For example, "We lived in our happy home" contains enough "dead" words that the idea you want to convey is lost of the reader.
Final Comments: I enjoyed this work and left it feeling mostly satisfied.
First Impression: Intriguing description. First few lines find me interested already.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling
Overall Score: 4.5 STARS. Practically flawless.
Specifics:
My only concern related to the second stanza. It seems that the line "says God" could be moved up to the first line as opposed to the second.
Comments
Very clever. The first few lines lead nicely into the second stanza, in which "The Publisher" turns out to be God. The element of surprise is used nicely.
The "plot line" of the poem is entertaining, and yet quite meaningful. The subject matter is presented in a way that is tangible to the reader, but still holds depth and mystery.
Suggestions
You might consider not using the word "wait" twice in the first stanza. The first could almost be eliminated: "I sit as He reads." Or, perhaps a different word could be substituted?
Final Comments: This poem induced a lot of Googling so that I could better understand your allusions. It was an educational experience. Overall, this piece leaves me feeling satisfied.
Score:
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