Loved it.
It was heart warming and I really enjoyed reading it. The imagery and accurate description about every little detail is amazing.
However there are a few typos: -
First para "What if chose the wrong one?" should be "What if I chose...."
4th para "Everyone knew why my both of my parents were in the Air Force". the 'my' before the 'both' isn't required.
8th para "The next few days are bits and pieces spliced together with a blur images and muffled sounds." probably should be "The next few days WERE bits and pieces...."
Other than that, good luck for the Cramp!
~V
As this isn't much of an actual poem, there's not a lot that I can say.
However, after reading this, it seems to me that you are comparing forgiveness to an abyss... Shouldn't it be better to portray it in a positive light?
Also, I think the last line should be "I am holding on to let go."
But taking into consideration that this was written after 24 hours of no sleep, I'm amazed you came up with this concept and I think that if you expand on it, you'll get a brilliant poem!!
I really like the idea behind this poem. Very unique.
However there are some spelling errors I'd like to point out.
line 6 - it should be 'forward'.
line 21 - unfortunatEly
line 27 - sneEr
line 31 - hardenEd
Also do consider altering line 20 (i'm afraid i didn't quite understand it..)
Other than that, I enjoyed reading the poem and I felt the message came across beautifully.
Loved it!
I was hooked till the very end. You've managed to make Willow a pretty lovable character and it was good to see the little bits of humour here and there. Also did you just make up the charms and whatever she was brewing? Coz I'd like to say kudos for the originality. I don't think I've ever read a piece with such a storyline. Very unique :)
~V
I enjoyed reading the story. The way you've described every detail, especially about the receptionist is amazing.
However, I'd like to point out that in the first line, this part "......and everybody so pleasant...." doesn't sound right. You should consider changing it to "....and surprising pleasant behaviour from everyone I encountered...".
I know it's a really small correction but I figured I should point it out.
Other than that, really liked it and I can't believe I didn't guess that she was Mona!
~V
Really intriguing and appealing.
Personally, I love anything that hints at professional teenage assassin.
However there were a few errors that I'd like to point out.
" I had anything I desired, and could act on a fleeting whim if it meant that I would gain some brief moment of happiness" - It should either be "I had EVERYTHING I desired" or "I COULD HAVE anything I desired".
And in "Gregory had packed my trunk with my most dignified clothing and my favorite books, had filled another, smaller bag with odds and ends that.....", it should probably be ".......my favourite books AND had filled another....."
Other than that, great work. Write on! :)
~V
Its a really heart warming story and I enjoyed reading it.
However there were a few errors that I'd like to point out.
" Her one grandaddy was hauled to jail when they were there for drinking" It probably should be "Her one grandaddy HAD BEEN hauled to jail...." And I suggest you alter the remaining line a little.
Also, "When Dad came home, Mom became out of control; yelling, flinging china and ashtrays." should be "When Dad came home, Mom WENT out of control....."
And finally, in "In classes she worried about her sister since Mom often slept so soundly, awaking with a nasty hangover. ", WAKING UP instead of AWAKING would sound better.
Other than that, unique idea for a story. Write on! :)
~V
I love the way you've paid attention to little details, especially when it was about describing the Burn Unit. It made the entire story all the more interesting and appealing.
The only issue I have is that quite a few of your sentences are not continuous. Take the example of "It was so hard for Helene to keep the truth from Angela. At first, she wanted to see her Papa and was told he was too sick to see anyone. She thought her love would cure him. She made pictures for him and jewelry. She cried herself to sleep every night. She accepted the fact that her mother was gone. She knew her Momma was drug sick and was in a better place."
You could try using a lot more conjunctions as that helps reduce the slight abruptness.
Other than that, unique idea and very heart warming :)
~V
I love the way you've written it. The imagery makes the story compelling and I've also noticed how you keep using William's full name to familiarize the reader with their character and to recognise his nobility.
However, the only issue I have is that if this is a short story then it's a little too long. And that too this is just the first half. You could call it a novella and that would allow you to write more than a short story but much less than a novel.
Also William seems like the perfect human. Too perfect, maybe?
It's more realistic when there are imperfections. Even small ones.
Other than that, it is an interesting piece and very well written.
~V
The first two lines didn't really make any sense to me. Did you mean to say "You say you CAN help, But then you make it worse."???
Also the last two lines.
I understood the basic concept of your poem and the idea is pretty unique. Not everyone thinks of writing something for their enemies.
However, my suggestion would be to expand on the poem because I'm sure you can make it much more intense and expressive by adding more lines. And then, that would probably help your readers understand the last two lines.
Other than that, a lot of people can relate to this poem. So write on!
~V
The topic you've selected is really unique and the way you've portrayed the "freak" is quite interesting. One almost feels bad for the guy.
I didn't quite get the rhythm of the poem while I was reading it, but now I do. However you should consider giving the first verse a longer rhythm like the second and third verses. And give the third verse the shorter rhythm. Same for the remaining 3 verses.
Other than that, wonderful idea and imagery :)
~V
Japanese Anime huh?
Big fan here :D
Now for the review - As this is just Chapter 1, there's not much I can say about the storyline. However your basic idea is pretty good. I hope to see many twists and turns throughout the novel. Or else the novel might end up like the stereo typical cool buy-dorky girl-high school type.
Also, I'd like to point out some spelling errors:
Third para - "Most disconcerting was the desk in row three, forth from the right." It's fourth, not forth.
And in this line "Justin and Slick had made it Preogative #1 to tease him" in the 3rd part of ur Chapter, I'm pretty sure it's Prerogative.
Other than that, loved the flow of your writing. It had a great pace, crisp dialogues and good descriptions.
Write on!
Really liked it. Especially the line "Because he is my addiction and that is my dose". (Deep much? :P)
Personally I'm not much of an 'I Love You' person and I'm pretty sure that the last time I said it was when I was 7... So it completely amazes me that you could write about just those three words and the need surrounding it. Kudos.
The only issue I have is with the first paragraph. Compared to the other paras, it doesn't hold that much appeal. So you could work on that.
Other than that, it was great. :)
~V
After reading "To Say Goodbye", this poem seems slightly less as good. Slightly. VERY slightly.
However, kudos again for being able to convey the message in just a few lines.
Your work is very..... real (for lack of a better word) and true.
Write on!
P.S. - You might wanna change 'echos' to echoes. :P
~V
At first I thought it was abrupt, but now I realised that it was supposed to be.
I'm not into poetry but I really liked your work.
Especially how the message got across in just a few lines.
You could expand on the poem, add more lines. That would make it more intense and expressive.
Other than that, great work. :D
~V
The imagery you use in the beginning is very VERY good. I was really drawn into the story.
In the middle however, there was a little excess of dialogues. Just a LITTLE bit.
And this line, " Lissy, dressed in lace, began beating Nathyrra.", from somewhere in the middle, didn't fit in with the way you have written your story.
Using imagery seems like your strong point so you could probably add it to the line.
Other than that, the story was awesome!
And this is coming from someone who barely reads fantasy.
Write on! :D
Read Waves part 1.
Love the way you write. And love Trye's bad-assness ;)
Dialogues are crisp and the pace is really good.
Will let u know wat I think of 2 :)
Wow. Great attention to detail. I was hooked the moment I started reading.
I didn't quite get the ending however. It doesn't have the same detailing.
But the dialogues were crisp and the way you tapped into Nathan's emotions was very interesting.
I can't imagine writing a medical drama so kudos.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/vaichi10
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 4:40pm on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
