This wasn't bad. I did find a few grammatical mistakes and your punctuation needs some work, but it wasn't enough to distract from your story. Now, this is just me, but I like a bit more description (not like three pages devoted to describing a door knocker, but enough to paint a scene), especially when characters are trading dialogue . No, I wasn't confused on who was talking, but the conversation did read as a bit dull. But overall I did like it, and want to read more from you.
Partway through the story, you switch from past tense to present tense. That makes your piece confusing and hard to follow. You also don't seem to have a grasp on punctuation or sentence structure. I advise that you take a few days to research and learn how to correctly wield these writing tools. It will certainly help. Best of luck to you.
I'm confused. I thought the entire piece was your character talking to another person, giving their background. But toward the end, you didn't indent to indicate that the conversation your main character was having with Isaac was separate from the main paragraph. You had a few run-on sentences. E.g. 'But it was comfortable, until the war started, death and rubble everywhere, people mourning over their lost treasures, the ashes of the deceased, not long later, that they burned all the houses, I was lucky to make it out alive, and with the skill from my mother and father, I just kept running and running until I couldn't see the fire, later, I seen a angry mob of civilians rioting against the "new" government.'
Maybe, instead, try: 'But it was comfortable. That was, until the war started. (New paragraph) Death and rubble was everywhere, people were mourning over their lost treasures; the ashes of the deceased clung to everything, hung in the air. Not long after that, they burned all the houses. I was lucky to make it out alive, mostly in part to the skills my mother and father had passed onto me. (New paragraph) I just kept running and running until I couldn't see the fire. Sometime after the fire faded, I caught sight of an angry mob of civilians. They were rioting against the 'new' government."
That is much more logically and reads so much better.
I'm curious to see what your story entails, but you definitely need to read up on punctuation, grammar, and how to use tense correctly (the time in which the story takes place, i.e. past, present, or future). I wish you all the best.
I don't understand what the title has to do with the story. Possibly make that clearer in your edit. This does a good edit, by the way. You don't have punctuation where you need it and the structure of you paragraphs seems off, though that might just be my preference. I did like, though, the little twist at the end. I really did not see him being dead as the conclusion. With some effort this could become a pretty good piece. Just make sure to edit, revise, edit, and revise, and, also, maybe have someone else proofread it before you conclude it as being done.
This piece needs a lot of editing. You keep jumping back and forth between past and present tense ('Becky said...' and 'Then there's a knock at the door'. These two do not go together). You have to decide which one you want to have the story set it in and stick to it. There isn't much description in this piece; I'm not entirely sure what was going on and I have no attachment to the characters whatsoever. Also, you need to work on your punctuation. Without it, your story is a bit difficult to follow. I feel, though, that if you truly work on this and pan out all the issues, you'll be able to come up with an interesting, logical story. Best of luck to you.
I could see where this was going, what terrible thing was probably going to happen, but that in no way dampened my enjoyment of this piece. I couldn't stop reading.
I think you did well in your attempt. I wasn't confused by the narrative. I did notice that there were a few grammar mistakes, but no doubt a read through or two will help you find them and correct them accordingly. I found it a bit lacking on action, though, and I couldn't really understand the main focus on the rock moving, but I could feel the relationship you were showcasing between the two brothers. Plus, I really want to know what happens after this, so good job :)
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 1:20am on Nov 16, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
