Hello,
I read a lot, I write, my short stories have been published, I've take course on lit, editing, and writing. I tend to not give glowing reviews. I think my reviews are honest and helpful.
I have to say you have the epic thing down. To me, it's a little too down. I'd like see it turned down just a bit. Nothing major. What I would like to you do is use some names. This would tone it down, give the reader a little more connection. You don't name HE, but the protagonist and the child should have names.
That said this part doesn't last very long. BUT, readers, and editors tend to give something such a short chance that is worth considering.
Everything’s in place, everyone knows what they have to do, so all that’s left is to start the ball rolling.
Comma splice.
do; so
One creature – a large raven with feathers so black they shone blue when the light struck them – cawed an insult down at the Two-Legs from his perch in a tree well over the intruder’s head.
I remove "them".
The raven cawed in surprise and nearly fell from its branch, then it took to the air and flew away cawing the news that the intruder wasn’t a normal Two-Legs.
Real ravens have a language. Honest, look it up. We live near an unkindness. And I read up the bird. My point is, "caw" should be changed to something else and can since the bird makes a wide range of sounds.
No, the only way they would know that he wasn’t a normal Human – or even a normal Mage – would be if they watched him use magic and knew enough about the art to see that his spellcasting was distinctly different from a Mage’s.
If that happened, and they realized what he really was . . . well, it was hard to say how they would react. A few thousand years ago they probably would have run screaming, and likely returned with a mob hungry for blood. Today, however, that was less likely (though not impossible). While it was almost certain that they would be frightened, they would probably also be curious – after all, the EleMage were supposed to have died out nearly ten thousand years before.
That’s what Humans thought, anyway; and on the whole it was easier and safer for them to continue thinking that, rather than trying to explain that the EleMagi their ancestors had feared so much had actually been living amongst them disguised as normal Magi for all that time. The time would come when EleMagi would be able to openly walk the world again, but A`lanon didn’t expect that to be in his lifetime.
I'd remove this. Why? It's telling and it's and info dump. I think it would be much stronger show how he is different a little later on. This would give him more depth and show one kind of character growth.
A squirrel dashed out onto a branch over the path and sat up, staring that the EleMage – or Apprentice EleMage, technically, not that the squirrel would know or care about the difference.
If you do cut it, you will have to also remove "he EleMage – or Apprentice EleMage, technically,".
“Go that way, then head east on the first path you come to.” The older EleMage had said, and then he’d slammed the door in his Apprentice’s face before he could even ask what the Netherworld was going on. After nearly a minute of banging on the door and shouting had failed to yield so much as a bout of swearing from his master, A`lanon had been forced to turn his back on his home and head northeast as he’d been told. Kestranon was notoriously stubborn, and if he’d decided that he wasn’t going to acknowledge his apprentice until said youngster had done as he was told, than nothing in the world would make the old geezer change his mind.
Here is stead of rushing through, I'd like to see you go back in are flesh this out.
It had taken A`lanon the better part of two hours to find the path – though it was really more of a game trail with delusions of grandeur – and then another hour and a half had been wasted stumbling and ducking and swearing his way along the disused track, and for all that he still had no idea why Kestranon had sent him out here.
I love details, but telling a length of time is okay, but show us his journey would be better.
“Mother, A`lanon.” He said to himself. “Don’t start jumping at shadows, now.”
A'lanon," he said to himself, "don't
“Talking to yourself isn’t such a great habit to get into, either.” The tree said.
either," the
This time A`lanon really did jump, but then he noticed how a cluster of knots in the tree’s bark looked a lot like a Human face sporting a thick walrus mustache . . . in fact it looked a lot like one mustached face in particular.
A`lanon smiled.
Great.
“Oh, I know that, Master.” He said
Master," he
In the interest of time, A`lanon decided to be the bigger man and not deliver an ego-crushing comeback . . . besides, he couldn’t think of one.
Great.
Here's an idea. Remove everything and start the novel where he is talking to the tree. This is where the story really takes off. If you do, some of what you wrote before could be tucked in.
Kestranon continued.
“Now, before you go getting all excited,
Kestranon continued:“Now, before you go getting all excited,
You need to read this: http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/how-to-write-...
“To create your Crystal you will need seven items, one for each of the seven Elements. For Fire you will need a scale of a Royal Salamander, for Water you will need a mermaid’s tear, for Earth you will need a diamond, for Air you will need a Roc’s feather, for Light you will need a hair from a Unicorn’s tail, for Darkness you will need the pollen of a New Moon Dreamblossom, and for Life you will need the first leaf of a new oak tree.
Info dump.
Why wouldn't he know this? He would. You're saying all of this because we need an the info. And if he didn't known, that's a long list to recall, which might make for something interesting conflict.
Okay, so I could go on... but I have a life, you have a life, I should be writing, editing my own work. Anyway, if you want more, let me know.
I think this has real promise and hope you write on this more.
Alice
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