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Review of Social Experiment  Open in new Window.
Review by Mistress Mayhem Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello iggyg85 Author IconMail Icon!  I read "Social Experiment" Open in new Window. and wanted to offer you this review:




Emotional Impact:

This is an interesting piece of work, unlike anything I have read before. It really gives the reader something to think about and shows two sides to the coin.


Effectiveness of Form:

I have to admit I had a little bit of trouble with this, mostly because it was a little awkward to have so many explanations, and to have them down at the bottom of the poem. I felt maybe it would have worked better and been more clear if the guide was at the top? Then maybe the reader would know what they were getting in to and be able to apply it correctly, and more easily




Punctuation and Grammar:

It was hard to tell a rhythm for this, since there was only one piece of punctuation in the poem, and it is at the end.


*Star*Closing comments: 
I thought that this was a very creative piece of writing, and I like the fact that so much thought went into making it unique. Maybe, though it was so outside of the box it was a little confusing. Once I got to understanding what you were trying to do I thought it was clever. Good job on this.


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Review of The Calm Revenge  Open in new Window.
Review by Mistress Mayhem Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi !After reading {item:}, I offer you these comments:


*Check1* First Impression:

After reading this I have to say that you have a good idea for a story, or something prose-like. But the way that it actually reads leaves me wanting a lot more. I felt like you had a great chance to show the reader something really interesting. This is less like prose and more like a vignette. I think that if you approached it as something more like a Vignette you would have more sucess, in stead of trying to force it to look like prose, even structured like poetry. It reads like it's part of a story. There really is only one character that truly could stand out but I feel like you didn't bring him forward, and instead let him fade into the background until he was almost on the same level as any of the other things only breifly mentioned.



*Check1* Suggestions:

The beginning of something like this is so important, and I feel like your beginning could use a little help. There are so many words to describe something simple. There is a man standing there in a trench coat, and hat pointing two pistols at his enemies. I feel like you struggled a bit on presenting this for the reader. You reused the word body twice in the start of the first line, and instead of showing the reader what you wanted them to see, you just told. The first few lines will hook the reader. I would rethink them, and try to show rather than just tell what's going on. Build some tension and all that. Here is an example of what I mean:

You write:

His body length trench coat shrouds his body in darkness, and he wears a full brimmed hat.

pointing two nicklel-plated pistols out, surrounded by those that had wronged him.

To me that is a little blah. I think that something more decriptive might show the readers more about your character, and start to paint a picture of what's going on. A trench coat is long, and I think that most people know that, so it doesn't seem like a good use of this space to tell that.

Here is my suggestion:


Hanging from shoulders tight with tension, his trench coat shrouds his body in darkness. Azure eyes blaze, barely visible beneath his full brimmed hat.

Two nickle-plated pistols hover in the air, one finger tickling the trigger. He is surrounded by those who'd wronged him.



They had followed him this time, beating within inches of death and forcing him to watch.
Crucified, forced to watch as they violated his wife, tormented his child, ending with murder.

It's a little unclear what is going on in the above section of text. Also the "forced to watch" line should probably only be used once within these two lines.


*Check1* Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:

I thought that this line could use a comma.


It was a cult he had been chasing for months, every time he was close his grip slipped.

It was a cult he had been chasing for months, every time he was close[,] his grip slipped.



One sweat drop rolls down his, when it drips he opens fire, never missing a shot.

His what?




*Star*

overall I feel like you have the start of something really good, it does need some real work though. I can tell that you have a strong writing voice, and a lot of good ideas, and perhaps need a little help trying to get it all out.
I certainly hope to see more of your stuff. Write on!


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Review by Mistress Mayhem Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello iggyg Thank you for posting in my review forum! I read "Angels of Hell: Tales of the Horsemen" Open in new Window. and wanted to offer you this honest review.:





Emotional Impact:

You used the words epic and poetic to describe this piece of writing. I would agree that it does come off as a bit epic, as for the poetic bit, that I am not so sure about. This is quite a dark piece of work and while the subject is one often discussed in religious circles, I have a feeling that isn't really your target audience and that also isn't the point of the writing. Some of the imagery used is quite graphic! To the point of being a little disturbing, ,and while I can see that you intended for it to be that way, this does mean that a change in the rating is in order. That said, while reading this I appreciated the effort you put into showing your readers what was in your head rather than telling them. You certainly do have a way with words. While reading the origins of each of the horsemen I couldn't help but smile at your creative ideas. Having read some of the other reviews I have to agree that it isn't theologically correct, and in fact has little to do with the truth of the horsemen, but as I said before, I am aware that wasnt the point, and I appreciate you excercising your right to be creative with something like this. I DO happen to be religious so it isn't like I am totally ignorant about the subject. On a slightly more religious note, I have always wondered why people seem to write about the horsemen as these terrible evil creatures from hellish origins. I have personally never thought of them as evil,they were called by Christ and rose from the First four of the seven seals the opened off the scroll. Most Christians don't see the last judgement as something evil or to be feared.



Effectiveness of Form:

Okay, back to this " poetic" thing. When the piece first started it went pretty well. But I think that after a while things went awry. It's as if you got a little too carried away, after trying to convey this vision of the horsemen and their terrifying beginnings, you went on to all sorts of other things, that I didn't really feel were as connected to the main idea as they probably should have been. A lot of times I felt as if the thing was falling apart. Is it supposed to rhyme or not? Is it just free verse? I expected a long but flowing piece from the first section, but I quickly realized it wasn't so. That needs a little work, because at times I got lost, and you want to hold on to the reader and draw them in. At times it was frustrating to work out what you were trying to convey. Is it purposely done that it was only rhyming here and there? In the parts that didn't really rhyme that well it wasn't really clear if that was an accident or not.

Your use of line breaks were a little awkward the longer I read. Reading it out loud didn't help. It would start to come back together then fall apart again. I also have to say that maybe the length of this doesn't work in your favor. It kind of adds to the feeling that it's rambling on. It is as if there are too many topics covered, and it stops being clear just what this is about. Maybe if you break it up and create a sort of series of pieces that are connected in some way it might be less overwhelming.




Punctuation and Grammar:

I think that this is something, not easy to comment on with poems, since every writer has their reasons for where they place their punctuation. To enhance the rhymthm or for dramatic effect. I felt that for the most part, the placement of your punctuation, worked in favor of your piece, and added to the emotional impact of it.

I will say though that I do believe that the plural of shuriken is well... Shuriken.


*Star*Closing comments: 

I think that you have a good idea going here, but I do reccommend taking a few extra looks at what you have included in this single piece of writing. I feel like it would benefit from either cutting it down in length, to make sure it stays on track, or going back through and trying to keep it more consistant throughout. Sometimes sticking to one idea is harder if you try to keep a piece of poetry or prose going this long. To someone on the outside, it seems a little like this one got away from you.

Since I can see you have a talent for description and you aren't lacking in that department, then I have to assume that most of the problems with this come when your ideas started to run into each other turning the piece from something that I could enjoy into something that had wondered away from enjoyable.
On a more positive note, I do like your use of descriptive words and phrases, and it is obvious that you have a deep well of ideas, creativity and intellect to draw from. I am interested to see more from you in the future.

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Review of Diamonds and Dust  Open in new Window.
Review by Mistress Mayhem Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Hi Sanguinary Smiles Author IconMail Icon! After reading "Diamonds and Dust" Open in new Window., I offer you these comments:

*Check1* First Impression:

A true adventure story, driven by wonderfully developed characters. The author has peppered Diamonds and Dust with lessons taught and learned, and put on display an obvious love of storytelling. This short glance into this story will leave you wanting to know more.


*Check1* What I liked :

I liked the tone of this, you get the sense that a huge adventure is about to unfold. The start was strong, It feels like an epic adventure. The ‘voice’ of your characters. You mentioned that the Father was an Emperor, and this fact was so clearly outlined for the reader. His character commanded attention, and the descriptions you provided painted the picture of someone both powerful and wise. The Character of the Child was also well developed, each playing their part in moving the story forward, and drawing the reader further in to the story.

The dialogue flowed so smoothly, was realistic, and appropriate for the subject of the story.

The narration of the piece really kept me interested, and hungry to know more.
I loved how all of your descriptions, though subtle, were strong, and really did a lot to support the story being told.


*Check1* Suggestions:

I feel that you are trying to make this into a story which is much longer than this excerpt you have posted in my forum. This is a good idea, I feel that the pacing is appropriate, It moves forward fast enough to keep the reader interested, and slow enough to allow for building of characters, and the situation. I feel that, judging by the content of this, the direction that you are taking the reader is going to require that you keep up at a good pace. Careful not to rush into anything, and also not to slow down the story. Good job on this.


*Check1* Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:

There weren’t many errors as far as the punctuation was concerned, I think that you did a great job on that front. I did find a mistake that kind of stood out though. You write about the apple:

He planted his teeth into the crisp apple, taking a big bite. It was very juice.

“juice” Should probably be Juicy.

But I did really enjoy this part of your story. Such a true and valid lesson.


*Star*

Overall this was a great read and fantastically presented, nearly free of errors. It’s clear that you took the time in starting this story and that I lot of planning has gone into its creation. I’m sure that what is to come will be every bit as interesting as what I have read here. Thank you so much for sharing this. WRITE ON!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review by Mistress Mayhem Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)

Hi Markymark Author IconMail Icon! After reading "Reach for the Surf!" Open in new Window., I offer you these comments:


*Check1* First Impression:

A surreal and interesting view into the birth and first journey of a very unappreciated animal… The Sea turtle. With an outpouring of beautiful descriptions and a captivating narration, this piece is a joy to experience.



*Check1* What I liked :


The imagery you used was very refreshing, I liked that you took the time to describe things that most other people might not have thought of. With your opening paragraph I found that I could easily see what you were describing, and wanted to know immediately what was happening on this beach.

I enjoyed that you wrote about animals rather than humans. It made your story unique, almost like watching a really interesting episode on Animal Planet.

The way that you described the turtle and his natural animal instincts in the third paragraph, it was perfect. You never wrote the word instincts, but you showed the reader through your descriptions what the new turtle was experiencing. Good job showing and not telling.


*Check1* Suggestions:

There are several instances of run on sentences in your story. If you vary the sentence length this would really improve the way that your writing reads.

Here is an example of a really long sentence that I found:

“He panicked a lot in those first few moments, losing site of them every few seconds, but as he raced up and down the troughs and peaks, he could sense they were all in this together, all reaching for that sound, and so he just concentrated on the up-then-down, up again, down again, the sound pulling him forward all the time.”




*Check1* Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:

There were are few mistakes that I caught but not many. I think you did a great job editing this.

At the end of the second section you write:

“,they began to do the only thing they knew what to do……Run”

You don’t need the word “what” here. It makes this sentence choppy. Also I love the use of ellipsis, but ellipsis consists of three periods not six.

Also

“He panicked a lot in those first few moments, losing site of them every few seconds…


“site” should be “sight”.



*Star*

Overall I thought this was a very nice read, I don't think that many people give much thought to this overlooked creature, but you really spotlight it, and demand attention. I loved your use of descriptions and found it was a pleasure to read your piece. Thank you so much for sharing!!



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..

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Review of The Mistake  Open in new Window.
Review by Mistress Mayhem Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Sanguinary Smiles Author IconMail Icon! After reading "The Mistake" Open in new Window., I offer you these comments:





*Check1* First Impression:

A smart and carefully told story, of three eternal beings and one HUGE mistake. This story was packed with poetic and smoothly flowing descriptions, with an ending that will leave you thinking.




*Check1* What I liked :

I absolutely loved the start of this, you have really got a handle on how to grasp the reader and capture their attention. All eyes are on your story and the action from the very start.

your descriptions really reflected the content of the story, it was majestic and really made your characters peel right off the pages and into the readers lap. They really Dominated the story, and I loved how they had their own separate God-like personalities and voices.

The Dialogue that you included was well written and flowed well, and you had descriptions which fit together seemlessly with the rest of the writing. They enhanced the story and did not take it over.




*Check1* Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:

I feel that you had a good command of the flow and rhythm of the piece, and you had no real mistakes as far as punctuation goes. A Story written in third person Omniscient isn't always the easiest thing to maintain but you did a beautiful job of it! I saw only one slip up here with the word "could":

Before Eulidos’ sputtering could disturb the cosmos much

otherwise... FABULOUS!


*Star*

Overall this was an awesome story! It was something that made you think, laugh, and it was just beautifully written. Your piece flowed like a poem, and for something so short, it had characters that really commanded attention, they had a great presence and were so well developed. Great Job on this, it's a memorable piece, and I hope to see more from you soon! Write ON!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review of October Skies  Open in new Window.
Review by Mistress Mayhem Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Jack Cassidy Author IconMail Icon! After reading {item:}, I offer you these comments:





*Check1* First Impression:



A wonderful poem. Full of beautiful descriptions, and made so interesting by the haunting tone.


*Check1* What I liked :

I loved the first line, it really set the tone for the rest of your poem.

It started off almost like a really descriptive story.

Your lines flow together wonderfully, and the tone was very lingering, like walking slowly down a darkened street, listening to night sounds. Just a tad bit menacing. (I don’t know if this is the tone you are going for, this is just how I felt it.)

You do very well, showing the reader all the seasons and the cycle, you can definitely feel that, and your descriptions are so neat and clean.

I admit that the content was A LITTLE puzzling but that made it more intriguing.

*Check1* Suggestions:

I hate to make suggestions on people’s poetry, since it’s not as strict as some things as far as punctuation and grammar goes. But I feel that maybe you could do with a few more pauses in here, maybe a couple extra commas. But that’s all.


*Star*

Good job with this one, I felt that it was well written and that it really engaged the reader. It was a scenic journey through the seasons, and of course with it featuring October, you can’t go wrong. Thank you for Sharing! Write on!


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Review by Mistress Mayhem Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello IceCreamMan Author IconMail Icon!

i'm abandoning my review tool for this one, I haven't done that in a while, but here I go.

I absolutely loved this poem, and the feel of it. The pictures painted were so vivid, and the tone so soft, and kind of lingering. It was like the random thoughts that come to mind when you sit still too long. It was very surreal, and I enjoyed that.

Reading it aloud, I felt that I should be whispering. I really thought that you did a great job with the rhyme, and the rhythm of the poem was smooth and flowing. It was very easy to follow, and it was somewhat musical because of the choices you made where the line breaks and syllables and punctuation are concerned. I loved that you used only one period at the end of each stanza.

This was a very beautiful and unique piece of work, and I thank you so much for sharing it with me and all of us!

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Review of Be Good Anyway  Open in new Window.
Review by Mistress Mayhem Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)

Hi ohhiluhriexx

Well, it looks like you have nothing to worry about for your english class, I think that this is a very well written and insightful essay. It outlines your personal thoughts and philosophies in a straight forward and honest way. Your tone through-out the piece makes it something that others might easily relate to, and in a way it is soothing and comfortable, instead of reading an essay I felt that I was talking to a wise and good friend.

This flowed like a dream, and was comprehensive. You have a unique and clean writing voice that I thoroughly enjoyed. The things that you state here are all true, and should be read by many. Of course humans as a whole should strive to be good.

I saw only one typo, and since this is for your class i'll mention.

It sets the stage for their behavior and thought processes for the rest of their life.

I believe that since you're talking about multiple children you're talking about multiple lives. and so this line should read.

It sets the stage for their behavior and thought processes for the rest of their lives.

This was a very good essay, and a lesson well taught. Thank you so much for sharing.

Write on!

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Review by Mistress Mayhem Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
HiKrish D. Author IconMail Icon! After reading "Curtis's Experiment Book One -Aurorachis" Open in new Window., I offer you these comments:





*Check1* First Impression:

this is a very unique piece of writing, I can't say that I have ever read anything quite like it before.




*Check1* What I liked :

I liked that the story seems to feature animal characters rather than the normal human ones. I'm sure there are humans to come but I get the feeling that they aren't the main part of your story. I have only a chapter here so kinda hard to say. you have a writing voice that seems to work well with this, and I can tell that you have an idea of the direction that you want to go with this.
it was right to the point, and didn't go in circles.


*Check1* Suggestions:

I get the sense that you struggle a little trying to get on to paper... or the computer the things that are in your mind. you have the start of something good here, but I also see a lot of places where you miss the opportunity to show the reader what is going on with the animals, and instead you have just kind of stated what is going on. for example :

Charm and Spice were twin arctic foxes currently in their snow phase; their fur was white and long, almost fluffy.

I'm a fan of discription. I feel that you could hve shown the reader these two characters a littl more here, i think that a little more added description can't really hurt you.

Also you are telling us that these animals speak. What do their voices sound like. Reading something like this, something that obviously couldn't happen I feel that these kinds of deiscriptions are important.
The female Raccoon speaks, and I get the sense that she's a older memeber of the other group of animals, kind of a leader. What does her voice sound like?
Is she big or small... I have one suggestion here:

your words in Red, my suggestion in purple

She stepped forward, and away from a small group of animals in front of them.

This could benefit from a little more description.

She stepped forward, separating from the group of animals with which she had previously stood. Her small eyes held the gazes of the two foxes before her.

I'm not saying that I want to rewrite your story but I think that changing it a little, (not necessarily how I suggested) might draw the readers attention more. and It certainly gets the attention of the two younger, and frightened characters.

and when she speaks:

“There’s no need to be afraid, little ones.” She said.

This is a very sparse description, I feel that you have the chance to make the reader hear her voice, she is meant to bring comfort.

I would have loved to see a description of her voice. I almost felt like she was mother like, soothing and yet commanding. Especially since this is the first time the reader "hears" her voice.







*Check1* Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:


I saw a spelling error here

She waived at one to come to her

"waived" should be waved

Other than that I felt that there was very little else to mention. A few commas missing but those can be fixed by simply reading out loud, and finding where the proper spaces are.



*Star*

Over all this was a great start to what i'm sure will be and interesting story for us all to read. I would love to see more, and experience the growth of this unique piece of writing. Thank you for sharing, and as ever... WRITE ON!!




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Review of My Broken Heart  Open in new Window.
Review by Mistress Mayhem Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Irisisflower Author IconMail Icon!  I read "My Broken Heart" Open in new Window. and wanted to offer you this Rising Star Member to Member review *Star*:




Emotional Impact:

A super emotional poem, this really reflects an immense amount of hurt and pain. As I read, I seemed to remember those times in life when I felt this way. I feel that the subject that you chose is something that many people will be able to relate to and connect with. Great job.


Effectiveness of Form:

I think that this poem had a great flow to it, and you made clever use of line breaks and punctuation to really steer your reader in the right direction as far as rhythm goes.



Punctuation and Grammar:

I thought that you had great command of your punctuation and grammar; however, i did feel that your piece might have also worked well if you'd have added a comma in this line between side and open:

It hangs to one side open to more punishment.


*Star*Closing comments: 

This is a wondeful piece of writing, and one that the reader can truly feel and imagine. The emotions here were real, and the way that it was presented really showed that. I felt that this came right from the heart.

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Review of My Guardian Angel  Open in new Window.
Review by Mistress Mayhem Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
HiCaesarRupus.... Author IconMail Icon! After reading "My Guardian Angel" Open in new Window., I offer you these comments:


*Check1* First Impression:

This was a unique and touching story that you wove here, and I have certainly not seen anything like it before. I thought that you had something that was very origninal.



*Check1* What I liked :

I liked that you seemed to want to step outside of the box, and you came up with something that could certainly be classed as Paranormal. It was a good concept.



*Check1* Suggestions:

I felt that perhaps the piece could have been a little longer, especially given the word count that was allowed here for this contest, and I also felt that you might have been able to flesh out the main character a little bit more. As I was reading I noticed that there were a lot of missed chances to really elaborate and connect the reader with the characters that youw were writing about. A few added details might help the story to flow a little better.

While I enjoyed that you tried to cover a seemingly long span of time in this, I thought that the jumps were very abrupt, and the wording was a little choppy. Sentences were cut short, and joining a few of them, or even adding a bit in between would have given this a much needed dose of variety, and given the piece a nice rhythm. It was very fast, and at times I felt it was almost rushed to the end.

Also remember to show the reader the things which are happening in the story rather than just telling it.



*Check1* Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:

I saw no real grammatical errors, in the writing it was well edited and very well prepared for this.



*Star*

Great job on the story, I think that with a little work it could be something VERY special and unique. It's always a good thing to step outside of the box a little, and to let your imagination carry you away. I enjoyed this read, and appreciate very much that you took the time to join in on my contest, and that you had the patience to wait on while it was finished. so happy to have read this and hope to see more of you soon.



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Review by Mistress Mayhem Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Thank You For Entering
Out Of The Deep

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Kotaro Author Icon

Thank you so much for taking the time to enter my contest. Out of the Deep, a contest for writers of Dark fiction. I offer this review, my humble opinion to show my appreciation for the time you took to enter.

This review is not a reflection on whether or not you actually placed.


INTRODUCTION:

I thought that your story had a very strong beginning and started at a place that was very appropriate. It had a heavy tone from the start kind of dreary. It was a lot like floating along.

FIRST IMPRESSION:

My first impression of this piece was a good one. I felt that you had a lot to say and you had a good knowledge of what you were writing about. It had a great flow to it, and even the action moved seemlessly. It was engaging and well written



WHAT I LIKED:

i really like that you seemed to know about what you were writing about as far as the times, and the atmosphere goes. I really liked that you wrote convincingly about Japan, and showed the reader what things were like rather than telling. This was great. I liked that you used limited language and let the actions and events tell the story. the descriptions were well balanced, descriptive when they needed to be and more subtle when that was called for as well. you had just enough horror, and it was not overdone either. Very tasteful. You also did a great job showing about Air warfare and what it was like then.

WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN STRONGER:

I felt that this was very well done, but that the vampire element didn't really fit anywhere, and had very little to do with the story. It added something a little different but I kinda got the impression that it was used to explain how she escaped with the boy. The escape was written very well, but I felt that this could have happened with any normal person on the ground.and it would have been just as good and realistic.

Other than that this was a great story, and well edited the chaos was well represented, and exciting


Was It DarK?

It was relatively dark, of course the subject is a very sad, and dark one, the vivid descriptions of them worked well, and really brought to life the feeling of helplessness and destruction.


*Star*Overall*Star*

Overall you did a great job and presented a very good story to readers. It was believeable and flowed so well. I enjoyed this very much, lively characters and beautifully described setting brought this all together. Thank you for entering I hope to read more from you. Write on!!
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Review of The Review Game  Open in new Window.
Review by Mistress Mayhem Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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HiPepper Author IconMail Icon !After reading "The Review Game" Open in new Window., I offer you these comments:







*Check1* First Impression:
This was a funny story, and really showed off your sense of humour. Not many people would be able to handle such a situation with the grace showed by your character! You have a talent for drawing the reader in to what you write no matter what it is. Great job!





*Check1* What I liked :


I liked how this is an issue that i'm sure people here on WDC have faced before! I can relate to reading something written by one we care for and being at a total loss for words. You did great making this realistic, and painted a great picture and very few words. that was skillfully done. Wonderful.




*Check1* Suggestions:

I don't have no suggestions for this one.




*Check1* Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:

I really didn't see any problems in this particular area.


*Star*

I think that you did a great job and wrote about something that we probably have all faced at some point on WDC. no one likes to be the bearer of bad news for someone we care for, all you can do is try to be honest with as much grace as you can muster, and move forward. this was well written and the things that you discussed were conviencingly written about. I liked that you stuck to the point of the story and you delivered it flawlessly. very great job!! write on!!
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Review by Mistress Mayhem Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Thank You For Entering
Out Of The Deep

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monstrinho Author Icon

Thank you so much for taking the time to enter my contest. Out of the Deep, a contest for writers of Dark fiction. I offer this review, my humble opinion to show my appreciation for the time you took to enter.

This review is not a reflection on whether or not you actually placed.


INTRODUCTION:
Really Interesting opening to this story, I love that you had a bunch of details and painted an interesting and truly unique picture of eternity for the readers. A lot of attention to detail.


FIRST IMPRESSION:

Lively and Vivid. Colourful Descriptions, and I felt that this concept was unique. There were so many ways that you could have made this just like every other story about immortals, but you didn't, that was a great job.

WHAT I LIKED:

I really enjoyed the originality of this piece. I liked the vivid details, they were well thought out most of the time. You made the concept of forever, and eternity very clear here, and made the reader very aware of time dragging on. I liked the feeling that there was something huge going on, not just with your main character but with the entire universe and everything was affected by time. I thought that was great. I could totally see what you described. Awesome job!!

WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN STRONGER:

I felt that there were a few places where the describing got to be too much for the story, too heavy. at some points it takes over what is happening in the story and gets distracting. This sentence is an example of what I mean:

Outside the crimson light from the swollen sun was waving and shimmering in the superheated air and distances were impossible to gauge.

too much in one sentence can be a bad thing.

I also thought that maybe there could be a little more about the tower. I felt that it was this whole other background character in the story, it was a living breathing thing, but it was down played a lot. I felt that the reader should know a little more about it, and that it was totally possible to give us, as the readers a little more in that area while still holding on to the aire of mystery that I liked so much.

Was It DarK?

This was certainly a dark concept. Eternity along, longing for death that never comes, unable to grasp it. All these powers and abilities, and really no purpose or desire to use them. Lonliness, and dispair... all pretty dark. well done.

*Star*Overall*Star*

Overall this was an entertaining read and unique in concept, I really enjoyed it, and felt that you did a great job getting the point across, and conveying it to the reader. this was very well done, and I'm glad that you chose to enter my contest. Wonderful! As always... Write on!!

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Review of Blind Date  Open in new Window.
Review by Mistress Mayhem Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi e.l. elliott Author Icon! After reading "Blind Date" Open in new Window., I offer you these comments:


*Check1* First Impression:

Very funny, and clever, somewhat true as well! This was something new, even though it was very short it was enjoyable and spoke volumes.

*Check1* What I liked :

I liked the sense of humor that you diplayed with this, and the way that you created the characters. It's funny, this kind of thing probably happens to people all the time.

I loved the tone throughout the piece and you could feel the tension, and the disgust that the main character was feeling. I loved that. You did a great job with description and showing your writing voice in a very small amount of words.



*Check1* Suggestions:

I don't have any suggestions I feel that this was a well written little piece of work. You had two characters and they had a great connection, even if it wasn't a positive one. It was easy to picture what it was you were writing about, and the dialogue was something which worked well with what you were writing about. Good Job.




*Check1* Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:

I didn't see any errors in this area.



*Star*
Overall this was great, I really enjoyed what it was that you presented here, it made me laugh and cringe and I thought that you really had a great tone to all of this. Wonderful. Keep up the great work, and WRITE ON!!



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Review of The Long Way Home  Open in new Window.
Review by Mistress Mayhem Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
You are being rewarded a review by "Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS" Open in new Window. [E] for giving such awesome reviews! Keep up the great work!! If you would like to contact us or request a review of another one of your items, feel free to visit "Reviewing Reviewers Public Forum" Open in new Window. and let us know!!


HiShelleyA! After reading "The Long Way Home" Open in new Window., I offer you these comments:


*Check1* First Impression:

Very cute and imaginative story, I really enjoyed this.


*Check1* What I liked :

I liked the plot, and the way that things unfolded in the story. This was a step outside of the box, and was done very well. I liked the idea that it was kind of like a fairy tale. Great job on that.




*Check1* Suggestions:

“This has got to be a dream,” she thought. I’ve got to wake up,

When you wrote "I've got to wake up". I felt as if this might be the thought of the character, but you never clarified that, if it's a thought them maybe using Italics and separating it like dialogue may take care of some of the confusion. If she is saying that then maybe quotation marks are appropriate.

I would have loved to have a little more description as far as the faeries went, but I understand that you were working with a word limit most likely.






*Check1* Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:

I saw no problems in this area



*Star*

Wonderful read overall I really liked the simple yet effective style you have. Great work and thank you so much for sharing!! write on!!


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Review by Mistress Mayhem Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello EnJen!  I read "i just wanted you to know" Open in new Window. and wanted to offer you this review:




Emotional Impact:

I really enjoy pieces that are spiritual, too many people hide their beliefes from the rest of the world, afraid of being controversial, or judged. It speaks great things about a person when they are able to so fearlessly open up about something so personal. I liked that this was both sad, and that there was also a bit of rejoicing in it as well, and clear reverence for God.


Effectiveness of Form:

I don't know if it was on purpose that you did this, but I liked that everything in the poem was lower cased, everything except "You" when you are talking about Jesus. I really liked that, it made it seem as if you were saying that everything else is small in comparison to this larger than life being. I thought that was clever. The questions that you asked were valid and gave the poem a very special quality.

The addition of the short prayer for forgiveness at the end was also something that lent this piece a bit more power and added to the emotion. Great job!!


Punctuation and Grammar:

I have nothing to add here... Unless all the lower case letters was an accident, then I would suggest fixing that.


*Star*Closing comments: 

This was a great piece and a wonderful read. I could feel your love and devotion were very real and I loved it. Such a Great job!! Thank you for sharing something so personal! Write on!!

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Review by Mistress Mayhem Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This was very well written and imaginative. I love that as I read I could feel the little girl's trepidation. I could feel that she was both afraid, and ashamed of what she had experienced. You did a great job engaging the reader, and your descriptions were subtle and still strong, and worked well with the piece .I think that you did a great job of incorporating the words into the story, it flowed very well, and they fit in very natrually. you also did a wonderful job as far as edits go on this story, it was very clean and error free. There was only one sentence that I had to read over a few times, a little unsure if it was flowing as well as everything else seemed to be flowing.

She longed to join them, if for no other reason than because she didn’t want to stay in from recess again.
This sentence doesn't seem to flow as well as all the rest, and was a little choppy and confusing.

That is the only thing I questioned about the whole piece. I thought that you did a fabulous job and should feel great about submitting this piece. Wonderful work! Write on!!

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*The comments contained in this review are only my opinion and should be ignored if they are not found to be of some use.
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Review of I can read you  Open in new Window.
Review by Mistress Mayhem Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Larkizzle!  I read "I can read you" Open in new Window. and wanted to offer you this review:




Emotional Impact:

This was a great Idea, and I love that you spoke about a book literally and didn't seek out some random deep meaning. This was nicely done and clever. Even though you didn't seek out some deep meaning, I enjoyed the fact that your words could be taken in many different ways depending on the reader. Had you not said it was literally about a book I'm sure there would be many trying to see that deeper meaning...Maybe it speaks of a lover?


Effectiveness of Form:

I felt that your breaks and pauses were well placed and worked very well. The flow was good, and very effectice. I like the questions that you ask.



Punctuation and Grammar:
I saw only that you should capitalize after your periods, and question marks, I noticed that you didn't do that at all. I realize that people take liberties when it comes to poetry but I think that rule is one that should be adhered to.


*Star*Closing comments: 

Great Job on this I really enjoyed it, it was original and fun! Thank you so much for sharing this little part of yourself with all of us. Write on!! and Welcome to WDC!!

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*anything contained in this review is just my opinion and my only intention is to help. If you find nothing of use here, feel free to discard it. Thank you.
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Review of Reaper-Prologue  Open in new Window.
Review by Mistress Mayhem Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Kaotic_Legion !After reading "Reaper-Prologue" Open in new Window., I offer you these comments:


*Check1* First Impression:

This was a very intriguing read!


*Check1* What I liked :

you had a great hook and really got me interested from the start. This is a good subject, and one which is attention grabbing and original. I love it.

This is a good start to your story.


*Check1* Suggestions:

You have done a lot of telling and not much showing. What were the boy and the girl like at the start? what was the storm like was it a small street in a town or a city street? I would have liked to see a scene set here. It would have been more engaging.

His face showed his fear and anger.

Here saying that his face showed fear and anger, doesn't really paint a picture for the reader. How did he look? If you are mentioning how his face looked then why not really tell the reader about the boy's reactions to death staring him in the face?


I don't think that the authorities would have been able to say that the mother's death was one of natrual causes inside her home, and without an autopsy.




*Check1* Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:

I didn't really catch any errors in this area.



*Star*

overall I thought that this was a very good job, and a great start to a story. it was interesting and it worked to pull the reader in. Aside from the few suggestions that I had I enjoyed this read very much. Thank you for sharing!! Write on!!


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Review by Mistress Mayhem Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
A well told and believeable story, I liked how you told it from the guys point of view. Even though I find it strange that these things always seem to be the guys fault. I don't remember the last time that I saw someon write about an accident a girl caused. I enjoyed your descriptions and even when described in the conversational tone that most of your story had it was very effective. it was also wonderful to be able to feel the narrators remorse for the accident and what happened to the girl he thought he loved. Your tone painted that picture very clearly, and I sympathized with him. I would have loved to know a little more about Amber, she seemed to just come out of no where at all. This was a very good piece, very touching, Great job. Write on!!

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Review of True love  Open in new Window.
Review by Mistress Mayhem Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really enjoyed reading this, and It was touching to me on a personal level. Not many people have ever had to experience what it would be like to have a great distance between them and the one that they love. It's something that tests you on many different levels. As your poem says though, true love cannot be killed by distance and time. I love that message and I found that your writing was full of feeling and longing and very effective.

Of course I have a few suggestions, one being that you should capitalize the "I" in line 9. Also you should be careful of the way that you are using those elipsis. I fully understand that you are free to express yourself through your poetry, but it's true that punctuation plays a big role in poems, even bigger than in a story. It's with the punctuation and line breaks that the reader gets the rhythm of your piece when you are writing poetry. Badly placed periods, or commas, can really damage the rhythm, flow and tone of a poem. The elipsis used here in excess are distracting, using the standard three periods, would be sufficient to get the point across. Sticking to the standard [. . .] might make it look more presentable and also make it read more smoothly. Those are just my opinions and suggestions you may feel free to ignore them if you like. I really enjoyed this, it was full of love and a powerful message, although you are apart, your hearts are still near, real love isn't damaged by time or distance. It can survive. Great job on this.

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Review by Mistress Mayhem Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi Sonee! After reading "Curse of the Cards" Open in new Window., I offer you these comments:


*Check1* First Impression:

When I first started this story I was unsure, but as I continued I realized that this was a very good idea, and that it was well written. You have used a dialect that may be difficult for most people to understand but you did so in way that wasn't too overwhelming.



*Check1* What I liked :

I liked how you were able, without much detail about the surroundings set a scene for the reader, I could easily imagine the things that you talked about even though you didn't go overborad describing.

I really like that you concluded this piece in a way that really worked well, and had the tone of a story that might be told over and over. Great job!!




*Check1* Suggestions:

I liked the way that you presented this I really did, and I don't really have any suggestions for change this was very well written.




*Check1* Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:


Most of the errors that I spotted were only with commas and such. That's nothing major and something that I also struggle with, but just in case you want to know where they are ...


The two men had barely sat down to begin their game when Thomas entered the room with their first large pitcher of ale followed shortly by two large plates of pulled beef and bread.

You need a comma after "ale".

Everyone knew it was a sacrilege to play cards on the Sabbath so Thomas thought this would be enough to end the game.

There is a missing comma after Sabbath.

At five minutes to midnight Thomas again warned his Lord about the impending Sabbath and, though he had consumed enough ale to be quite fuzzy in the head it was not enough for him to purposely break the Sabbath.

You've marked this as a paragraph all it's own, but it's a really long sentence. I would have to sugges that you break it up into two sentences. At five minutes to midnight, Thomas again warned his Lord about the impending Sabbath. Thought he had consumed eough ale to be quite fuzzy in the head, it was not enough to him to purposely break the Sabbath. This is just a suggestion, feel free to ignore if you like.

“Aye, if ye arna feart of the Sabbath” was Alexander’s reply.

you need a comma after "Sabbath."

Thomas had just a split second to register that the strangers’ eyes were also on fire before a brilliant blast of white-hot light shot through the keyhole blinding him.

You need a comma after fire.




*Star*

What a wonderful read I really enjoyed this!! I hope that you find exactly what you are looking for here on Writing.com, welcome and write on!!


VAMPYFAE
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Review by Mistress Mayhem Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really enjoyed reading this story and I loved how you made the childs retelling of his "lie" So imaginative and unbelieveable. That really made the ending work so well, and it was a great surprise, I felt like applauding your character just as the class did. You have a wonderful and engaging voice and tone for your writing and a lot of talent for describing, and painting a picture for the reader. I found that the start of your piece worked as a great hook for the reader, and drew me in, I immediately wanted to know more and more. I really felt the journey that Lionel went on in your writing. Wonderful!!

This was a story about a child, and so I appreciated that you told it as a child might, and it was simple and plain while still being descriptive. I feel that in doing this you made the reaction of the teacher to Lionel's story quite believeable.

I did find a few places where there were errors and I higlighted those below.

I caught her placing the other to kittens on my shoulders.
You need to change "to" to "two" and you need a comma after her.

A fire fighter looked up and spotted me and sent up a latter.
"latter" should be written "ladder" This is misspelled more than once.

That was such a nice story, it deserved some credit, but the truth is Lionel does not have an excuse to be late.

You have a switch in the tense here that shouldn't exist. In order to be correct you'll need to rewrite it like this: That was such a nice story, it deserved some credit, but the truth was Lionel did not have an excuse to be late.

Great job I hope that you'll be with us for a long time to come!!

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