I made the mistake of randomly selecting something from the romance category to read before I went to bed. It was a mistake in terms that your piece didn't send me off to sleep :) For a horrible moment I thought you were going to hand me a happy ending. I'm so glad you didn't - the twist was phenomenal.
If I had one suggestion, it would be that the piece is 'how' heavy but a little 'why' light. By that I mean you describe very well 'how' the character feels but I don't have any idea 'why' he feels these things. I don't think it needs to be a very detailed 'why', just something to anchor his feelings to. Why specifically this girl? What was so special about their relationship? I think it would make the reader even more invested in him, which would make the ending all the more brutal.
Okay, I'm off to find something boring to read now. I really need to sleep.
I saw your story recommended in a 'Writing Hurts' review. Your efficiency leaves me gasping. I can't believe you managed to do all that you did with just 300 words. The ending is sublime. I loved it.
In awe and chartreuse with envy :)
This isn't a review, just a note to say I really enjoyed it. Your story is annoying me as persistantly as Fred's 'sound' (in a good way). Did the noise have anything to do with the scar under his ear?
I really enjoyed this. The only disappointment is that there isn't more of it. You've twitched the curtain back and given a tantalizing glimpse of what would probably be an enthralling world. Please consider expanding this, I for one would love to read it.
This is absolutely beautiful; moving and touching without being sentimental. It swept me along and I was a little upset to find that I had finished it and couldn't read anymore. Jocy is instantly likeable and as a reader, you care what happens to her - the best test of a piece of writing I think. Keep up the good work!
Lyrical and palpable. I think you've done a good job of conveying sentiment without falling into the trap of being sentimental. At first I was going to offer a criticism that there are no peaks and troughs in tempo, but on reading it again this is probably intentional. The unchanging cadence reflects the monotony you allude to in the first stanza: "This same old way/I start each new day"
I'm not really qualified to provide any criticism, but for what it's worth, I like it!
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