I see what you're getting at, but at the risk of repeating what others may have said, why "pathetic?" Certainly, all of these men were terrible, dastardly men whose legacies included the deaths of many, but they were also incredibly powerful figures who wielded enormous power and influence in their periods. In a way, calling them "pathetic" almost discounts the many millions of victims. Perhaps "Evilest Leader" or "Cruelest Villain" would be a better name for a poll like this? Anyway, that's enough nitpicking over one word from me! Just thought I'd share my thoughts - I hope it wasn't too unwelcome!
Well done! This piece is very thought-provoking and emotional. I couldn't help but be filled with regret as I was reading it, and I assume that was how it was intended, so well done! The language is very poetic and heart-wrenching, and the imagery is both subtle and satisfying, so well done on that point.
I might note that, because the language is so distinctly poetic in style, it can be a bit hard to follow at times. The jittery and chopped-up sentences, while doing wonders for the tone and emotional response, don't do the story itself any favors! But I think this is a great piece and I would love to see more from you as well. Best of luck with your future work and I hope this is helpful!
I think this is an interesting and thoughtful story. It's inspirational in a funny kind of way, and the imagery is very vivid and believable. I might question some of the implications, though - namely, it reads a bit like a social commentary. If this wasn't your intention, I think it might be a good idea to think more about the implications of the setting you choose and the plot devices you pick, especially the "beautiful foreign teacher." If it is your intention, I think you could aim to be a little more convincing. The ending was a bit abrupt as well, but overall, I don't think it's a bad piece at all. Well done and best of luck with future work! I hope this was helpful!
I read this over several times, and the first thing I noticed was how carefully and deliberately each word seems to have been chosen, making it not a single syllable longer than it needs to be. This is a really important skill to have for a writer, and I commend you tremendously for being able to pull it off so smoothly here! I don't take brevity lightly.
This poem made me feel conflicted. On the one hand, passion, strength, and forgiveness... all of these are easily recognizable as the hallmarks of a healthy relationship, and gives me a warm, satisfied feeling. Yet on the other hand, the poem is very subtle in conveying a very different type of emotion. With phrases like "wounded souls," "immense yearning," and "utter pain and remorse" give the reader a sort of sadness that belies the rest of the poem's peaceful and loving tone. That feeling is hard for me to put into words, but I really appreciate the conflicting such emotions that the poem conveys.
Lastly, the ending was very unexpected, but not at all unwelcome. Subtle yet satisfying - well done!
One suggestion I might make is a point of mechanics. Semicolons, like the one used in line three, should typically be used to separate two independent clauses, and not an independent and dependent as yours does. However, I wasn't sure if this was an actual error or just a stylistic choice. I figured I'd mention it just in case.
This is a very surreal and thought-provoking piece. I'm a big fan of the slice-of-life narration you've adopted here, so props to for that. The narrator's descriptions of himself interspersed with the descriptions of those he observes made for an interesting dual narrative.
The little elements you used to spice it up, like the font and the color changes, helped to give it a bit of novelty, which I appreciated. With that being said, I think that future stories like this could be improved to be even better. First, the prose here is written very robotically, making Freidric seem more like a robot or a machine than a person, and I'm not sure if it was intentional. If you want to, you can make him seem more real by varying the sentence structures a little more. Also - try to watch out for sentence fragments! There are a few in here.
Lastly, although I found his observations to be calming and somewhat amusing, I couldn't help but to feel like they were very superficial. Was this intentional, as well? The narrator has been at this observing job for ten years, yet he only records the most basic of observations. It would have been entertaining or amusing to see a bit more of his own deductions or thoughts about what he was seeing, although I also understand that it may have been your intention to make him seem coldly detached.
Anyway, these are just my thoughts. I hope that you find them helpful or encouraging. Best of luck!
I think this is a great start. Because I haven't read the other chapters, I can't comment on the plot, but I'll do my best with just this chapter alone.
First of all, I think this has a lot of strong points. Namely, the way the characters interact with each other feels believable. This piece conveys the characters' emotions pretty well from their dialogue alone and without needing to explain it. That subtlety is good.
I think that this piece could really benefit from a close look-over. Your writing is valuable, and you should treat it as such! With that being said, it deserves to be the best that it can be, which means going over it and getting rid of little mistakes. For example, when referring to a person, "i" and "i'm" should always be capitalized like this: "I" and "I'm." Little mistakes like that can really detract, but by doing your best to get rid of them, your writing can be a lot stronger in the long run! Watch out for typos and run-ons as well.
I hope that this helps! Best of luck with the rest of this exciting story!
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