Thanks so much for sharing! I'm sure this will aid many writer's on this site. :) Not just in writing submissions necessarily, but in regards to any job one sets out to attain. A formally typed resume polished to perfection and cover letter really make you stand out to employers. It's a simple courtesy most people tend to skip over.
Original idea. However, difficult to read. There was missing punctuation throughout. Many words were capitalized for no apparent reason. Your paragraphs - for lack of a better word - were patchy and broken. I'm left wondering if the details of the dream, excluding the hourglass which you explained, have any special meaning to them... Or are they random?
Short and mildly confusing... this reads like a rough draft. I think you could do much with this piece to improve it into a wonderful romantic tale. It's always refreshing to see that true love does exist in a world as cruel as ours. Peter and Stacy, even if fictionally, are one of those couples.
Thought-provoking. Definitely a little food for thought in this short piece of expression. This is most certainly something every individual can relate to. We all experience pain and wounding on various levels throughout our lifetimes. It;s important to learn from these experiences and move forward with our new found knowledge from lessons learned. Though there are many days I see people make the same mistakes continuously... It makes me wonder if they're missing something or are simple too single-minded to notice their error.
You could do a great many things with this concept. It's a wonderful point of inspiration.
Nice twist! I loved the story thus far. You have an incredible gift. Samantha is very easy to relate to despite her murderous tendencies. I really look forward to seeing what happens between her and the detective working her case.
As far as suggestions and corrections...
First, I noticed you have given Samantha two last names? Gray and Hahn. Is this a mistake in which you overlooked changing from Gray to Hahn or is it part of the story? Perhaps a precaution she's taken.
The only other thing I noticed that bothered me a little is that she refers to him as "Detective John". This personalizes him. Most people refer to detectives and other law enforcement officers by their surnames, in which case he'd be Detective Hansen.
Other than those minor bits and pieces, I think you've done a fantastic job!
Eagerly awaiting more,
Vivian St. Crow
P.S. Please shoot me an email whenever you add more. I'd love to continue reading.
I must say... You've, without a doubt, caught my attention. :) I'm very much interested in seeing what comes next! Excellent start. I love your attention to detail.
Well-written,
Vivian St. Crow
P.S. Please keep me posted when you add more. I'd love to read it.
Only one minor spelling correction! In your first sentence you have "starting at" as opposed to "staring at" -- a simple mistake, easily fixed. :) You have an interesting little piece here... It leaves me thoughtful.
The middle three definitely sounded the most interesting. I think this was mostly due to your enthusiasm about them as much as the uniqueness of their plot lines. I'm not quite feeling story number 1... it reminds me too much of things I've seen broadcasting on television lately, which seems to be a bit over done in my opinion. Though I'd love to see how you make the over-used concept your own! Option number five, seemed interesting enough. I read a lot of vampire related stories and yours has certainly peaked my interest. Not only for the sake of vampires but also because I have a fondness and passion for art.
I look forward to seeing how you progress these stories!
Best of luck writing (these, your masterpiece and anything else you may happen across in your creative process)!
Vivian St. Crow
P.S. Please keep me posted. I'd very much love to read these stories and will gladly offer feedback. :)
Your writing style is very diverse and colorful! I like that. :) Your use of metaphors like the life raft paint a vivid image.
1) That alone was worth the bullet. 'And the bruise on my ass,' Callie thought. (Single quotes or italicizing internal thought works well.)
2) You comma splice through out the beginning. Try to break up your sentences a bit for a smoother read. You can also use prepositional phrases to mix it up.
Ex. Stumbling to her feet, Callie reached for the bar counter to steady herself.
3) You're also missing some punctuation. I noticed an end quote toward the bottom and a comma instead of a period and a question mark. one of Callie's last four quotes contains "gauge" rather than "gouge."
All minor corrections. Overall, you have a well written piece that appeals to the senses, making your world just that much more realistic and chilling!
I completely agree with your message that you shouldn't judge others. I firmly believe in getting to know someone for who they are instead of prejudging based on perceptions made by judging their appearance. I'll admit I don't know much about "life as a juggalo." Seeing as you've been one for 7 years now, you could really expand this piece and share with us what exactly it means to be a juggalo.
People of any form of prejudice are either uninformed or completely content in their ignorance... neither of which is very attractive. As far as cowards posting on the internet, you can never really say... Maybe they've had their own life experiences that force them to feel they can't speak out verbally. Or perhaps they're just shy and it's a way for them to express themselves more easily. Or - like is the case in real life as well as online - they feel the need to hurt others to feel more secure and feel better about themselves by putting others down...
I hope you continue to write on this subject. I'd love to learn more about your lifestyle and how it is unique and challenging in its own right.
Whoa... Um, I did really like what you have so far; however, more description would be very useful! I'm entirely uncertain of what all this machinery is or what's happening because of it. I got that there's an elf, who apparently won a lot of credits and a dwarf who clearly rendered the elf unconscious at the end.... Details such as how the credits were won, how the two know each other, and perhaps even starting one's name off with a different letter to make them more easily distinguished since their names are already a tad difficult to pronounce.
Your unique concept drew me to this story for a read. :) Are you aware of the typo in your description? It's just a simple spelling error. Anyhow, I suppose I should read it in its entirety and then resume... I just wanted to jot that down before I forgot.
Here are my corrections:
1) "Scared voice" sounds strange, maybe she can ask (with a question mark) in a shrill voice.
2) Women or a woman as you describe the people. "We don't know (insert comma)" said one of the knights. The same with a period ending the following quote and when he states his name, again with Daniel, etc. Punctuation is vital for a readers understanding, especially when you have so much dialogue that is so closely knit. This particular bit would also read a tad more smoothly if you spaced it out one quote/speaker per line.
3) Another suggestion when you describe how Susan speaks try "asked Susan in disbelief." Too many commas lead to pauses that hinder your progress as you read. Your end quote in the second paragraph can be corrected in a few ways... A) Use a colon to introduce the internal question OR B) Use internal quotations. ("So perhaps the better question is 'Why are we here?'")
I love your concept, unfortunately I didn't get to read the original... so I can only work on your re-write, which in itself is spectacular! I can't wait to see what dreadful events befall our cute couple, Daniel and Susan & their companions from various points in time.
First stanza, "lose control" instead of loose. My only correction. :) This is a morbid, dark poem, but I have to admit... I love it! I'm not a poet myself, I have no talent in the art, but I can see you have a powerful presence in the realm of poetry, perhaps even lyrically as well. I could easily see this going to a beat whether it's soft piano or harsher rock... Uniquely beautiful in its own right.
I loved it! It's short but very sweet. You didn't attempt to fit too much into too little or vice versa. You let it flow naturally - perfection! I also enjoy the way you left both boys nameless, it made me stick with it just that much more. They could be anybody, particularly the boy in black jeans. As a reader, you could easily fit yourself into his shoes and become him!
Just a few grammatical corrections and your piece will be absolutely solidified in its brilliance!
1. Remove the "a" in the third sentence.
2. "almost disgusted" is an odd phrase and redundant when you throw in the "sometimes", taking out almost would sound better.
3. "dread occasion" can easily be righted to "dreadful occasion."
Again, I adored your short story! I sincerely hope to read more from you.
Cheers!
Vivian St. Crow
Short, sweet, and simple - a lovely prologue! I love a good mystery and I hope to follow yours and enjoy it thoroughly. Ashe seems like a very interesting girl. I cannot wait to see how she interacts with the new boys and how their destinies are intertwined. You have a wonderful start; however, you do have a few spelling error - as any good draft does. "A charm of a black and brown dog" is one clear example. It would also be much more easily read with some spacing between the paragraphs, just enter down once more.
Not much on poetry because it's not my strong point, but I really enjoyed this. :) It's simple yet eloquent in style and flows nicely. The "dirt black cuts" is the only part that confuses me just enough to make me pause... But otherwise, well-written!
Great job!
Vivian St. Crow
P.S. Are you referring to the series Lost Girl on Syfy? With Bo and Kenzi?
I loved your story! You're very well-written. I enjoyed it from start to finish. The way you incorporated the aesthetics of Malachi in the eyes of Kim. It really emphasized her feelings for him well while including her love for art. :) I hope she inevitably conquers her fear in confronting her family and that they see that the love between their daughter and this man is more important than their prejudices.
Cheers!
Vivian St. Crow
P.S. Check for a few grammar mistakes. Somewhere towards the beginning "one" should be "won" and so on....
First and foremost, I'd like to commend you on a job well done! You have an amazing talent for telling a powerful and poignant story in very few words. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and cannot wait to see more of Nathan, Ash, and the ever elusive Kara. I think their story could easily be made into a motion picture series - that would be incredible! You paint images so vividly I can almost see it without even bothering to close my eyes.
A few corrections... You had misspelling through out but, Part 2 (not continued) by far had the most issues. I've listed them below... Just be sure to go back and re-read for others.
Part 2: Check your very first sentence and you'll "find" a simple mistake. Paragraph two also has a misspelling: conquer, not concur. Last sentence before continuing you have a minor quotation issue. The entire thing should be in "..." quotes. Oh God, however, should have it's own pair of single '...' quotes. Leaving a finished product of, "Don't worry...'Oh God!'" The final word should be deadly, not deathly. ;)
An emotional piece. You stated in your title that this is 'barely started' but I think you've done a fantastic job! :) I really connected with your character. He's real and you can easily place yourself in his shoes - so well done! So many writer's struggle to make this connection.. I feel you owned it. I sincerely look forward to seeing more of this story and more from you as a writer.
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