Like the forum for the NaNo Prep Challenge the calendar is well organized with great use of the collapsible notes. It keeps the document clear for the quick overview or the person who is looking for just the challenge they are onto the day they look. No sense in reading through miles of info when you are just looking for the challenge of a specific day.
The writing tools you have listed at the bottom will go a long way with the Prep Challengers. I always find things like that of use eventually. I don't always need them but when I do it's handy having links all in one spot.
Looks like this is the place to be if you want to prep for NaNoWriMo in November. There are loads of people participating and it's such an organized event I can't see how anyone could possibly not get a leg up on NaNo.
On top of that the forum looks rather well structured and organized for the newbie to the Prep Challenge. It's got links to the other documents that go along with the event. I also like how you've used the collapsible notes at the top so you don't overwhelm the person checking it out. If they want detail they expand it. If it's not for them they don't have to weed through all the detail.
This was also a very good story. It seems to be written with a good bit more individuality to the characters and it fills in gaps to the other story I reviewed the other day. I hope that is what you intended.
Anyway, there is one thing that really gave me a hard time when reading. That is the tone of voice you have in the story. There are times when the story is being told pretty much by a narrator. There are times when the characters are talking to each other. And, there seem to also be times when the main character is thinking to herself. What I had a problem with was this. I woul dbe reading one thing and think it was talke between characters and it would confuse me because it turned out to be thoughts or a memory of the main character.
I am not sure the best way to make this easier to read but I just thought I should point it out.
And, thank you again for having me read another great story.
I really liked your story. It was definitely a touching one with characters that seemed individual from one another, though a little more could be done to make them show their personalities a little more. I did relate to them, though.
I don't think I will go into a detailed review, but give some general suggestions on things that seemed to slow me down when reading. That being said, they are only suggestions and you don't have to use them if you don't agree with them.
On thing you may want to work on is your description of things. It was something I had struggled with for a long time as a writer until I realized something. The description for something does not need to all be in one spot and that the description does not need to describe everything. For example, you describe the major fountain, the fountain of peace, in a very detailed manner. Something you could do is write more about the walk around the fountain that Leuna has, and describe one piece of the fountain at a time as she goes around. Also, you may want to not describe it with measurements. Describe things in relation to other things the reader may know, like the geyser of water is about as tall as a person's forearm. I know that is not the best example, but I hope it makes sense.
Another thing that made it hard for me to read was the use of numbers in with all the writing. I am a slow reader and changing from one type of reading to another slowed me down. That may just be me though.
I think the biggest advice I would suggest would be to let the reader come up with some of their own description in their mind while reading. Description is great, but sometimes it can also slow a story down.
I sinserely hope that helped and I really did enjoy your story. It was one of those I tend to be a sucker for, the ones about real life and dealing with it as the characters try to.
This one is an awesome piece! I had no clue where it was going and thought it was very entrancing with all the rich detail.
You did a great job at captivating my imagination. I kept trying to figure out what types of creatures you were trying to describe, until I got to the very end.
I did notice a spelling error and one grammar mistake. I hope the suggestions help.
In paragraph two, you have 'gapping' and I think you want 'gaping' for the meaning you are trying to get across.
Also in paragraph two, you have a line that seems to be just a phrase by itself and not a free standing sentence of it's own. I suggest you combine it with the following one.
This is what you have:
A cramped dark space in which it is difficult to catch one’s breathe. The smell is that of days gone by.
And, what I would suggest:
A cramped dark space in which it is difficult to catch one’s breathe, the smell is that of days gone by.
I hope my suggestions came as a help to you with this piece and that you keep writing these wonderful, colourful pieces.
I really like the description you have in the piece. It really transports the reader into the story. I also like that you have picked a character in another story you like and decided to develope that character with your chapter.
I do have a couple suggestions, though. I hope you will see why I am making them and if you dissagree with any of them, it is your right to disregard what I have suggested.
Anyway, on to the things I want to point out.
In your chapter, you have a few lines that really could be made into more than one line or, at least, divided with a semi-colon. This is an example of what I mean.
You have this in the first paragraph:
Most of them have never seen the real world they came to college directly from high school.
My suggestion would be this:
Most of them have never seen the real world. They came to college directly from high school.
Or:
Most of them have never seen the real world; they came to college directly from high school.
Another thing you have in this piece is the lack of needed commas when you have quotation marks used with in a sentence.
This is just a piece from paragraph eight for an example:
Martha started writing again “…today was definitely a good day.
It should have a comma, as such:
Martha started writing again, “…today was definitely a good day.
Another thing I would suggest, but this is not a needed change, would be that you reword some of your sentences to not use the names of the characters as much. I think the only reason this came to mind was because of Martha's name at the beginning of several of the paragraphs. That made them stick out in my mind and when that happened, I seemed to be mentally looking for the names while reading.
Who knows, that may just be a problem with my way of reading. I tend to be a slow reader and when something stands out like that, it slows me down a lot.
Well, thank you again for another wonderful piece with well defined characters and well written descriptions that transport the reader into the story.
I really liked this piece. It is a well developed view of Shoba and the things that are playing on her and her husband. As a reader, I would feel the stress between the two and the despair that she is feeling.
I do have a couple suggestions for you on this piece.
First, I would suggest you break the paragraphs apart into smaller ones. What you have in content is fine, but there are a couple places where you could break it up and that would make it a little lighter on the while reading. Also, using a few more paragraphs can allow you to put some added impact on different points.
Andother thing I would like to point out is a grammar issue with the use of quotation marks and commas. Whe you have a quote from a character, whether it is in their head or out loud, you need to use commas if you have both dialog and description in the same sentence. Here is an example of what I mean.
Your sentence:
She thought “It’s so depressive here I’ve got to get out of here” looking at her husband she continued in her thoughts “he didn’t go out today either…he has worn those same drawstring pants for three days. I wish I knew how to motivate him…why can’t he move on… I have”
Here is what I propose:
She thought, “It’s so depressive here I’ve got to get out of here,” looking at her husband she continued in her thoughts, “he didn’t go out today either…he has worn those same drawstring pants for three days. I wish I knew how to motivate him…why can’t he move on… I have.”
Also in this example, from the first paragraph, I suggest you make the line followint it a separate sentence.
I hope the suggestions were helpful and that you understood what i was trying to explain. I know I can be vague at times, so ask me if I was unclear on anything.
Thank you for sharing this piece with the writing.com community.
You do have some great writing in your port. I am very impressed. This one really touched me a lot. I have always wondered what it was like inside a head when someone hit that point where things got so hard to deal with. I am pretty sure I never have, but I do know a couple people who have and sometimes it is just disheartening that I can't relate to or understand their struggle.
I have a couple suggestions. One is more my opinion than anything else, so you can toss that one if you like and the other is a spelling mistake.
"Those who had been and returned said it would change your life. The way you perceived life. The way you think."
This was from your first paragraph. It is also the one that is my opinion. I tend to prefer using commas in cases like this instead of making them separate sentences. I can see what you were attempting at, so I do understand why you have it the way you do. And, you have several other places through the piece that are similar, so it appears to be done by choice and not a mistake that is inconsistant with the rest of your writing.
"ever so small as itmay be"
This one is in the next to the last paragraph and I think you wanted to put a space between 'it' and 'may'.
Overall, I really loved this piece. It gave me a taste of what the mind is like for somebody struggling with mental problems, specifically depression. I know I never want to be in that place. It is just so scary and, from how a close friend of mine deals with similar issues, I really did get a taste.
Thank you very much for having something I could read and understand about depression.
This piece very much impressed be. It is so very touching that I wish I couls have been there. You seem to grab the reader and make them fall into the story, follor it to the very end, an end that is very inspirational.
I do have a couple suggestions for you. Don't take these as slights against your story, but take them for what they are, suggestions that you can do with as you please.
First, I would like to comment on your writing in this item. Upon first look, it seems to be rather dense, but when reading, your writing style grabbed me and the length of paragraphs did not seem as long as I first thought. Very well done. But, what I do have to suggest is that you have a few paragraphs that do not have line spaces between them. Putting line spaces like you have between the others, will help with the initial view of your writing.
Second, I have two grammar suggestions.
"Some people thought this was a little grandiose. While others believed it was possible."
This line, in paragraph six, should probably be one sentence, since the second is really only a phrase. My suggestion is to put a comma after 'grandiose' and make the 'W' lower case.
"Why am I thinking about this? I’m almost at the top of the steps, if I don’t refocus soon I’ll trip. I certainly am grounded now, having allowed my memories of the past two weeks to deflate the joy."
This passage you have at the end of paragraph ten, would probably have a whole lot more impact if you set it off as its own paragraph.
Overall, I love the piece and think you did a great job at pulling the reader into the story. For that I am very glad to have had the opportunity to read it and send my comments. I hope you like what I have said about your writing and hope the suggestions are also helpful.
I have done this exact thing!! Maybe not exactly it, but I have had story ideas vanish like that. It is the most annoying thing in the world to have happen.
It was an enjoyable read, and though I kind of knew what was going to happen, I enjoyed all the little things that went on to get the writer to get the ending to happen as it did.
There is one small thing I would point out since it tripped me when I read it. It would be to remove a word from one of your snetences so that is it a little easier to read.
The sentence is in the first paragraph with this phrase: "making them to come to life" My suggestion would be to change the phrase to this: "making them come to life" That would make it a little easier to read.
Apart from that one suggestion, I think you have a really good scene with a bit of tension many other writers will definitely relate to.
I am very impressed with your writing. The style is such that is just grabs onto you and takes you on for the ride of the story. It is easy to see how one could get caught in a story like this and carried all the way to the end, and then look up and wonder where the time went.
I am not a very fast reader and your story was able to get my attention and keep me glued to it.
One thing I do like, once in a while is a tense, scary story, and with this, you have created just that. It is something I could picture myself picking up a magazing to read.
There is only one thing I would like to point out and that would be your rating on the piece. I may be just one to over rate things, but the weighty topic and the horrific visions would spur me to give the story an 18+ rating. I don't think it is any one vision in the story that makes me think this advisable, but the story as a whole. It truly is a horrifying tale.
One other thing I would like to make note of is that your tale does have rather complex characters. Nobody in the story is just good or just bad. Everyone seems to be a complex mix that displays their personalities.
Thank you very much for asking my opinion of your well written story.
I am very impressed with your new sig. It really looks like a great tagline for things you do around the site. It also tells the reader of it what the site is all about.
I can't get over it. It is just a great image for use with community type things you get involved in.
I love black and whites. They seem to be so much more crisp and fresh. And, in this one you did an excelent shot. Sometimes you can shoot and shoot and not get anything good, but then luck happens and you get an awesome one, like this.
It is a good mix of lights and darks, so very well balanced.
I also like how the subject is not aware of the shot. That catches him in his element and makes the photo just pop.
Very impressive! I think I am going to have to browse your photos a little more.
Very inspirational. Also, very true. It seems too many people tend to get off track and forget the things you talk about.
You poem creates a wonderful, positive feel for a person's place in the world. People should not be lost between the cracks or looked over. Your poem says volumes about this. Keep going. You can do it. The world is yours.
It is a focus we should all sit back and rethink on once in a while in our lives.
Thank you for another incredible poem from your soul. It is nice to see a poet expose themselves like you have in this poem.
I can definitely see where this is coming from. But that may be because of the information I know already about you.
It is a wonderful poem. It places you firmly in the direction you now know you are heading in life, even though that path is not an easy one. It shows an attitude that you may have been covering up or afraid you had, one of your own uniqueness and individuality.
I am very impressed!
Like with all your other writings, I could not find any spelling errors and there were not grammar faults, making it a very easy and pleasant read.
You seem to have chosen your own rhyme scheme, which is pretty impressive in itself. I know I have a hard time with any rhyme scemes, but you do wonderful with them.
Having a rhyme scheme in a poem that is somewhat of a declaration, affirms it and adds more legitimacy to your thoughts.
I also think that you are making a bold statement with the beginning lines of each stanza being the same. Very nice.
From all I see in your poem, you are definitely a well versed poet, and a wonderful human being.
The Jedi
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I tend to be a slow reader and when something stands out like that, it slows me down a lot.
It is just a great image for use with community type things you get involved in.