That said, there are a couple times where you double down on things with intent to drive a point home. Two examples:
"She ran, ran for her life."
"...she sprinted into an alleyway. A blackened, squalid dead-end alleyway."
In both instances, you're slowing down the pace of the story. I'm not sure if it's a subconscious fear that what you're writing is too intense, but we're on the internet here. You're fine.
This story is supposed to be intense. Words are supposed to jump from the page and my eyes are supposed to swallow them before I know what happened. Then, in a panicked sweat, I should be left without words to read. Scared and confused, like your character.
Slowing down the pace hurts that effect. That's my perspective, anyway.
Purely a subjective opinion here, but in my book, you'd bump this poem up if you changed your verb tenses from present progressive to simply present. It would intensify my connection as the reader to what you're saying by demand. For example:
"Taking one step into love,"
The reader can just say, "I'm not doing that, actually. I'm happily single." But what if you demand something of your reader? What if you start with a punch line? Read your revised first line:
"Take one step into love,"
So it reads:
Take one step into love,
One at a time, heel-toe, repeat.
Slowly ease into trusting them,
“Nobody who isn’t true couldn’t handle
The secrets that lie beneath, right?"
I'll be honest, not a huge fan. The reason is that I think you're just saying a bunch of things, writing them down and putting spaces to make it a poem. A poem doesn't need to rhyme, but it does need to have some sort of resonating flow or rhythm. This misses for me.
"Making it (life) the most richly rewarding time."
I know you might be trying to transcend life here, but to mere mortals, life is obviously the most richly rewarding time because it's the ONLY time. The same thing goes for saying that life includes "splendid events." It just feels a little grounded. Keep writing - I don't mean to take you down here, but I just figured I'd share my thoughts.
What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Alright, it's cool and deep and thoughtful, but make it a piece of literature. Build up the intensity from one end to another, starting with the rocks and ending with the father anecdote. Also, random thought: the use of "that" before "the" is never a good call. Good work and keep writing!
Something about your style is interesting and readable. Lovely piece. I especially love the line, "Hugs and kisses, and “I love you’s” do not reveal the depth." Good work, keep writing!
Ok, I love the poem, but you need to clean it up grammatically.
"out" should be "our."
"Suns" should be "sun's"
"your should be "you're"
I also think you should use punctuation. I know it's not necessary, but I think it would flow better. Maybe a period after "you" in the third line, "stronger" in the fifth, and "deep" in the ninth. And a comma after "asleep" in the eighth? Just thoughts. Other than that, the piece is lovely.
Excellent! It truly is a lovely piece. I especially love the line, "Their urgency is broken now / by a cat upon the couch." It's a phenomenal transition from the outdoors in. Also, the line, "Locked beneath my backyard stream / springs secrets softly flow."
My only reservation is in regard to grammar. In the last line I quoted, their should be an apostrophe after spring. Also, I believe the plural of Finch is Finches. Other than that, lovely piece!
Not a huge fan of your word choice, but I do like the concept of the piece. Also, just a grammatical error: "were" should be "we're," though you may have done that intentionally? Not sure.
I like the intent of the poem. I think it has incredible potential, though it's pretty good as it is. Something about it doesn't read quite right, and I'm a little confused by your rhyme scheme. You're clearly rhyming the ends of stanzas, but your middle stanza (ending with "Train") is not rhymed. I'm sure it's intentional, but as a reader, I had just been getting into the flow of the poem and that threw me off. Also "dead" and "care" in the last stanza don't rhyme. That would be fine in any other stanza, but it detracts from the punch line. Just a thought. Good work though, keep writing!
For starters, love the poem. I read your request for reviews, though, so I'll take a stab at the imagery. In the first 3-4 stanzas, I thought you meant your fire for life. In the next few, I thought you were talking specifically about love (which is my final conclusion). But I also think the moon is an old girl (or guy, whatever tickles your fancy), that you left for the new girl. The moon was a good person, but you didn't feel the fire. The new girl gets you going, rejuvenating your passion for love and life.
Also, in the fourth stanza, I don't love the annoyed child metaphor. Something about it came out awkward. I completely understand the need for this stanza in the piece, but I think it could use some work. Other than that, lovely piece of work. Keep it up!
Phenomenal literature. It makes me a bit uneasy, because I feel we've all been on both sides of that situation. It sucks. But you certainly wrote a winning poem here. My only recommendation: dump the girl. Get rid of her. You can come back to her when she's together, but not for now.
I'll be honest, this seems a little self explanatory. Nothing you say here is particularly riveting. It can be revamped; it has hope, but I personally think it's current state is a little dry. You also tend to assume things on the reader that may distance them - certainly distanced me. You say, "You know you will see them again, so live your life fully and lovingly knowing that is what they would want." Maybe you are writing to a religious audience and I didn't do my research, but I don't "know" I will see anyone again. Just a thought. Keep writing!
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