The overall idea of the story is interesting, but the flow between scenes needs a bit of work. You start out nicely with the descriptive prose, but then in your haste to conclude the story, the writing begins to take on a storyline of a b-horror movie with quick cuts, rapid scene changes, and undeveloped inclusion of new character(s). Does this elicit an image or feeling of panic? Yes, but it also serves to lose and confuse the reader as to what might actually be happening. A bit of expanding of the characters, both Charles, his desire to be with his wife, the stress of driving all night, and "the thing/Belial" would help. Then move into a bit more struggle, where did Belial come from, is "he" real, provide some disbelief in Charles' mind before forcing Charles to kill himself.
You give an allusion to a verse from the Bible, 11:34. Could this perhaps be the introduction of Belial? Instead of there not being a Bible in the drawer, how about the barbers blade being used as a bookmark at that verse with some dried blood on the blade. Set the scene, develop the characters a bit more, and you can have a great short story. (perhaps this is only a nightmare opening to a tired traveler)
PS: lose the swearing. It only shows a lack of creativity in the characters thought process.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/webslinger
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 11:05am on Nov 16, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
