First of all, thank you for your review, and I'm pleased to return some words to you even after this extended time. Please understand. Very nice story, and thank you for highlighting all the great things about America. My only critisism is that the story seemed to drag a lot, and it seemed like an essay. Therefore you should try to get to the point and bring us the meat of the story a lot faster so we don't get entirely bored and stop reading. Your perspective is very interesting to me, as I always thought everyone around the world hated Americans! "I felt about America to how the Greeks may have felt when they entered Persia." To me this sentence sums up the story in a lot of ways, maybe use more images to compare and contrast with this particular concept. Right now you're going on and on to an end that becomes more and more predictable as we read on. More use of imagery and alliteration would beef this story up a lot. Talk more about how you felt when you realized that America wasn't all you expected, tell a story about something that happens specifically to you that will reflect this feeling...right now this feels a lot more like a rant that really doesn't compell me to feel any way at all. I live in America and I still don't see why people say it's so great...what would you tell me? What if I've been wanting to move to Iran? Instead of just telling us all of these opinions, focus on one or two and weave a story around it that will compell us and draw us to consider your point of view...the point of writing, i think is to inspire feeling or to spark up conversation, so talk about why it is that people don't want to live in Iran, even with all of the Western Influences being so potent and effective in the culture. Overall, don't take my personal opinion as anymore than exactly that. Write in the way that makes you most comfortable, but personally I like to see a lot more "story" in the things I read, and not opinionated, unfocused, uncentralized ranting...tell me a story, add action and adventure, drama or poetry, but don't talk on and on just to tell me: Well America wasn't exactly all I expected, but I have some great neighbors!"
This was a cool story, but I had a hard time following, probably because of all the techinical terms. I'm not a big grammer kind of guy so I can't really say anything there. All I can really say is that it's a solid story. I think the use of dialouge is strong, and it makes the story almost flawless. Like I said the terminologies made it a little harder to read for me, but obviously that was all about the game they were playing, I would say this is the best piece of writing I experienced on this site so far. The end was really nice, how she talked about the child having to reach manhood at sometime, thats a concept I never experienced being explored in that way. Truly, I really think this was the best writing I've read on this site, I don't know what else to say beside do it again.
Its extremely hard to explain a lot in a very short period, so I give you points for exucuting that technique without leaving out too much details. I like the narration about how the energy is affecting the main character, that makes a cool image. I would work on the structure a little bit, you might be making paragraphs when they're not needed. As far as the story itself I would say It's sounding like a x-men Lord of the Rings type of deal, so im interested to see where it goes.
I like the refrences and the metaphors, that makes the writing fairly strong, This first chapter is very short, so I'll have to read a few more chapters to give a better critique. The narraration is solid and they story seems worth it to keep going. Off the bat I would say it sounds like a cross between Harry Potter, Twilight, and X-Men, but I need to read a lot more to make that kind of comparrison.
This story was different. It was encouraging and a little different then most other stories I ever read. I thought it was a little slow for my taste, and the dialouge seemed a little stale. I personally prefer very authentic and careful dialouge. I would have liked to see some objective reenforcements like the mans side of the story and how their culture relates to their lifestyle. I personally thought it was unfair to depict the men in the story as such pigs, they are just lving the same way their people have been living for centuries. How are we to be certain the main character made the right choice? What will the husband do when he finds his family gone in the morning? Is being married at a young age really so bad? And when did they even get on the train?I can see the porpose of the story and it was good to see the girls get away from their tormenter buat personally I like to be taken through the events a little more instead of told about them. I hope you dont take offense to any of my review, its just my opinion.
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