I like the way you describe the brush he uses on your hair.
I would enjoy more description used in this piece. For example: "looked in the mirror and saw his fangs, feeding with my blood", what did it look like? perhaps "...and saw his fangs feeding on my blood. A single drop escapes and slowly leaves it's crimson trail". There are many opportunities.
In this piece you switch between current and past tense several times. For example, in the 2nd paragraph is " but right now someone is brushing my hair", and later in the same paragraph "He stood behind me, brushing my hair". Also, it's redundant. Because it's hard to lock on to rather the event is currently taking place or you're relaying something from the past, It's distracting and takes away from the mood you're trying to create.
A few changes and this could be a really strong piece.
I practice a form of Agnosticism. I believe there to be only two distinct belief systems; there’s a group consisting of all religions, and then there’s Agnosticism. Most people belong to the latter but society conditions its subjects to abandon themselves to theological ideologies. For most it becomes an inseparable foundation of their self-image. But I digress.
Interesting subject matter, thorough choices, and an opportunity for “Other” make this a good poll. I think it would be interesting to take this poll and reframe it in such a way as to put the individual taking the poll in conflict with himself and his own convictions.
I really enjoyed reading this! The strong imagery drew me in and for 30 seconds I was on that bus with you. I felt what you were feeling and it was poetic.
The paragraphing made it easy to read. The only tweak I'd look at is punctuation and elimination of the first paragraph because it isn't relevant . When I reread it and skip the first paragraph entirely the overall effect is enhanced and more dreamy.
Being the father of a 4 year old I connect very much with this poem. It's a beutifull short piece. I was really struck by the words:
his eyes might grow darker
with pain
on my behalf
I am always thinking about this. My moto with my little girl has been "do no harm". Sure there will be the typical stuff that I won't let her do and what not that will make her mad at the time, but she'll grow out of it and grow up to realize I did it because I love her. I'm just ever mindfull of those things that would leave her with resentments and emotional scars.
This is not my favorite type of piece to read, especially the subject matter. But you make it interesting. The descriptions are subtle yet paint a vivid picture of aging.
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